Fight Club - Trigun Style
by Yossarian1
Summary: Mischief. Mayhem. Kuroneko.
1. Insomnia/Nesting Instinct

__

Author's note: Trigun and Fight Club. A combination that makes sense when you've just watched the entire series of Trigun in one day, seen Fight Club not less than a day before, and gotten four hours of sleep on top of that. It's kind of like Coke and Rum, except for the fact that a Rum and Coke is guaranteed to be good while this new combination is relatively untested. Though I hope this venture of mine produces similarly positive results (unlike that of Orange Juice and Baccardi 151). Regardless, enjoy!

Disclaimer: If I owned Trigun, Fight Club, or any of the other anime characters and their respective series mentioned herein I'd be happy and rich. As is, I'm only happy and relatively broke for the most part. So logically none of these properties are mine. Duh. :) 

****

Fight Club - Trigun style

Mischief. Mayhem. Keroneko.

**** __

INT. BERNADELLI INSURANCE BUILDING. NIGHT.

Wolfwood holds a Colt .45 with the barrel lodged in Vash's mouth. Vash is sitting in a chair. They are both sweating and disheveled. Both look to be around 25; Wolfwood has short black hair and a handsome physique (we can't see his face yet, only his body moving). Vash, meanwhile, has spiky blonde hair and is built about the same as Wolfwood. His features appear much younger and his face holds an almost innocent quality.

****

Vash (v.o.):

People are always asking me if I know Nicolas D. Wolfwood.

Wolfwood:

Three minutes. This is it. Ground Zero. Would you like to say a few words to mark the occasion?

Vash:

i…ann..ignf…agyng…

Vash (v.o.):

With a gun barrel between your teeth, you speak only in vowels

__

Wolf slowly removes the gun from Vash's mouth.

Wolf:

I'm sorry?

Vash:

I can't think of anything.

Wolf:

This isn't really death. We'll be legend. We'll never grow old.

Vash:

Wolfwood, you're thinking of vampires.

Vash (v.o.):

For a second, I totally forget about Wolfwood's whole controlled demolition thing and wonder just how clean that gun is.

Wolf approaches the window so that he can look down – eight stories.

Wolf:

Getting excited now.

Vash (v.o.):

That old saying, how you always hurt the one you love? Well, it works both ways.

__

Cut to:

Starting with an outside view of Wolfwood and Vash behind the window, we drop down the side of the building, passing through the ground, and coming to stop in the basement-level parking garage. Zoom in on a Truck toward the back. We zoom in through the back, coming to stop on a homemade bomb wired to several barrels of liquid. We zoom back out and travel sideways, passing through the ground, revealing a cross-section of pipes and cables, coming to a stop in another basement of a nearby building. Zoom in on a support column wrapped in several layers of brown bags, all of which are wired to a blinking box with a timer on it reading: 2:40 and counting down.

Vash (v.o.):

We have front row seats to this theater of mass destruction. The Demolitions Committee of Project Mayhem wrapped the foundation columns of a dozen buildings with blasting gelatin. In about two minutes, primary charges will blow base charges, and a few square blocks of corporate property will be reduced to smoldering rubble. I know this, because Wolfwood knows this.

__

Cut back to:

The inside of the building. Wolfwood checks his watch.

****

Wolf:

Two and a half. Think of everything we've accomplished.

Vash (v.o.):

And suddenly I realize that all of this: the gun, the bombs, the revolution, all had something to do with a girl named Faye Valentine. But then, maybe I should elaborate…

__

Cut to:

EXT. FRONT OF TAVERN IN NEW KANSAS. EVENING. 

****

Vash and Wolfwood come out of double doors. Both stand there momentarily while Wolfwood lights up.

****

Vash:

What time is it?

Wolfwood:

(Checking his watch)

Uh…little past 3.

Vash:

God, it's late…Oh, thanks for the drinks.

Wolf:

Sure thing.

Vash:

(Musing to himself)

Should probably find a hotel….

Wolf:

What?!

Vash:

…what?

Wolf:

A hotel?

Vash:

Well…yeah…where else am I going to sleep tonight?

Wolf:

Just ask, man.

Vash:

(Perplexed)

Ask what?

Wolf:

Three pitchers of beer and you still can't ask.

Vash:

Huh?

Wolf:

You called me because you needed a place to stay.

Vash:

(Apologetic)

Oh, no, no…hey, man-

Wolf:

(interrupting)

Yes, you did. So just cut the foreplay and ask, man.

Vash:

…Would…would that be a problem?

Wolf:

Is it a problem for you to ask?

Vash:

…Can I stay at your place?

Wolf:

Sure.

Vash:

…um…Thanks.

Wolf:

But first, I want you to do me a favor.

Vash:

Yeah, sure.

Wolfwood:

(Lightning fast)

Iwantyoutohitmeashardasyoucan.

Vash:

Come again?

Wolfwood:

(Slow and explanatory)

I want you to hit me as hard as you can.

Freeze picture

Vash (voice over):

Wait…let me start a little earlier.

__

Pull back from Vash's face. We see that his face is pressed between two large breasts that belong to…Grencia Mars Ellijah Guo Eckener, a gangly man with long, black hair and very feminine features. Gren envelops Vash in a big hug and weeps openly.

Vash (v.o.):

Gren. Gren had bitch tits.

__

PULL BACK TO WIDE SHOT OF –

INT. 2ND METHODIST CHURCH. NIGHT.

Men are paired off, hugging and talking in emotional tones. Near the door is a sign on a stand that reads: "Remaining Men Together."

Vash (v.o.):

This was a support group for men with testicular cancer. The tall, skinny guy, slobbering all over me…that was Gren.

Gren:

We're still men.

Vash:

(Deadpan)

Yes, we're men. Men is what we are.

Vash (v.o.):

About eight months ago, Gren's testicles were removed. Then came hormone therapy. He developed bitch tits because his testosterone was too high and his body upped the estrogen. That was where I fit in –

Gren:

They're gonna have to open my pecs again to drain the fluid.

Vash (v.o.):

- between those huge, sweating tits that hung enormous, the way you think of God's as big.

__

Gren looks at Vash with empathy.

Gren:

Okay. You cry now.

__

Gren hugs Vash tighter, almost smothering his face is his tits.

Freeze Picture

Vash (v.o.):

Oh screw it, I'll just start at the beginning.

__

INT. VASH'S APARTMENT. NIGHT.

Vash (v.o.):

For six months, I couldn't sleep.

__

Echo: "I couldn't sleep, I couldn't sleep…"

Vash lies in bed, wide-eyed, staring at the ceiling fan above his bed. His movement is limited to blinking every now and then.

Vash (v.o.):

With Insomnia, nothing's real.

__

Close up. Alarm Clock. It reads "4:29". As we watch, it flips to "4:30".

Vash (v.o):

Everything is far away. Removed.

__

INT. TAVERN. DAY. 

A bowl of cereal in front of him, Vash sits alone at a table, motionless and with his eyes half-open, paused in the movement of lifting a spoonful of his breakfast to his mouth.

Vash(v.o.):

Everything is a copy-

__

As he talks, we pan across the room. In moving from left to right, the patrons become more and more alike, until everyone seems to be wearing the same faded brown shirts, overalls, and hats.

Vash (v.o.):

-of a copy-

__

Close-up. Someone holding a hand of cards, all of which bear the same picture of a black cat with pointed ears and large, white eyes.

Vash (v.o.):

-of a copy.

__

A shot of the liquor racks behind the bar, the shelves lined with identical bottles all filled with the same brown, unappealing liquid.

INT. VASH'S APARTMENT. DAY.

Vash walks around the cramped room, talking on a cordless phone, looking at a gun magazine.

Vash (v.o.):

Like so many others, I'd become a slave to the armament industry.

Vash:

(Into phone)

Yes, I'd like to order the "Raging Bull" Long Colt, Model 45.

Operator (v.o.)

Please hold a moment.

__

Vash drops the catalogue on the bed.

Zoom in on catalogue. Full page spread of various Colt revolvers.

Vash (v.o.):

If I saw something with enough firepower to level a small community or an antique that no one even bothered to manufacture ammunition for anymore, I had to have it.

__

Pan around room as Vash walks from one end to the other.

Vash (v.o.):

The M608 eight-shot .357 magnum with optional mounted scope…

__

Shot of desk foreground. The .357 appears there as he mentions it.

Vash (v.o.):

…the M1 Garand semi-auto rifle, the M249 Squad Assault Weapon, the R93 machine-pistol, or the AK-74 with flash suppressor and genuine walnut stock.

__

The other guns appear consecutively as he mentions them at various places around the room.

Vash (v.o.):

I would flip through catalogues sometimes and wonder, "what kind of jacketed ammo defines ME as a person?"

__

A pile of clips, all various types, appears where Vash was just walking. He continues to the other side of the room, to a beaten mini-fridge, opening the door and crouching down to look inside. 

INT. REFRIGERATOR . 

Shot of Vash perusing the three items within, including a jar of mustard, an empty bottle of liquor, and an opened container of pudding. Vash smells the pudding and tosses it over his shoulder after making a face of disgust.

Vash (v.o.):

I had it all, even the Gil Hibben throwing knives with the heat streaks that shone when you held them up to the light, so that you knew they were hand-tempered by the hardworking, indigenous peoples of…

Operator (v.o.):

Please hold a moment.

Vash (v.o.):

…wherever.

__

Vash grabs the jar of mustard and closes the door on the camera.

Vash:

(Into phone)

I WAS holding.

Operator (v.o.)

Your call is important to us.

__

EXT. VASH'S APARTMENT. DAY. 

Vash walks over to the desk, opens the drawer and begins fishing around in it. After a brief search, he pulls out a butter knife.

Vash (v.o.):

We used to read pornography, now it was the Helston gunsmiths collection.

__

Shot of Vash continuing to pace, now eating the mustard out of the jar with the knife.

INT. BERNADELLI INSURANCE AGENCY. VASH'S OFFICE. DAY.

Vash sits at his desk, staring into his coffee.

Vash (v.o.):

I work for the Bernadelli Agency. Or at least I think I do. Mostly my job consists of sitting in an office alternately filling out crossword puzzles and reading "Firearms Monthly" to pass the time. Sometimes I fill out papers that my boss hands me. Either way I get paid every other week. If you'd asked me a month ago, though, I would never have expressed the desire for employment of any kind. I guess the strain of nomadic life finally got to me.

__

His boss Meryl, a young woman of small stature with short, dark hair enters, dropping a stack of papers in front of Vash, snapping him out of his reverie.

Vash (v.o.):

It must've been Tuesday. She was wearing her "cornflower-blue" ensemble.

Boss:

(Sorting through papers)

Gonna need you out of town this week. We've got some red flags to cover.

Vash (v.o.):

Sometimes I fantasize about just walking out and never coming back. Then I remind myself that there isn't anything else out there except sand dunes and other, equally unimpressive towns.

Vash:

(Listlessly)

You want me to re-prioritize my current reports until you advise a status upgrade?

Boss:

Make these your primary action items. Here are your travel coupons. Call me from the road if there are any snags.

__

She walks briskly out of the office.

Vash (v.o.):

She was full of pep. Must've had her grande latte enema.


	2. Power Animal/Faye

__

INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE. DAY.

Vash, eyes puffy, face pale, sits before a doctor who's gazing at him tiredly.

Doctor:

No, you can't die from insomnia.

Vash:

What about Narcolepsy? I nod off, I wake up in strange places, I have no idea how I got there…

Doctor:

You need to lighten up.

Vash:

Can't you, please, just give me something?

Vash (v.o.):

Red and blue Tunial lipstick-red seconals.

Doctor:

No. What you need is healthy, natural sleep. Chew some Valerian root and get some more exercise.

__

The Doctor gets up and walks out. Vash follows him into the-

INT. HALLWAY. DAY.

The Doctor takes a clipboard from the secretary.

Vash:

Hey, come on. I'm in pain here!

Doctor:

(Facetious)

You wanna see pain? Swing by the Second Methodist Church Thursday night. See the guys with testicular cancer. THAT'S pain.

__

He walks out into the lobby. Vash stares after him.

EXT. 2ND METHODIST CHURCH. NIGHT.

Vash heads for the front door.

INT. 2ND METHODIST CHURCH. HALLWAY/STAIRWAY.

Vash heads for the meeting room. We can hear music coming from the room.

INT. 2ND METHODIST CHURCH. MEETING ROOM.

Vash stares at a group of men clustered together. They look to him as he enters the room. Vash waves sheepishly.

INT. 2ND METHODIST CHURCH. MEETING ROOM – LATER.

Vash is sitting on a chair, putting on a nametag. They are all listening to a group member speak at a lectern. The speaker has pale skin and sunken eyes and is clearly dying.

Speaker:

I always wanted three kids. Two boys and a girl. Mindy wanted two girls and a boy. We could never agree on anything.

__

He cracks a sad smile, attempting to lighten the mood. Some people laugh.

Speaker:

Well, uh, she…she had her first child last week, a…a girl with her, uh…her new husband.

__

Others near him turn their gaze to the floor. Mumbled curses are heard.

Speaker:

Hey, y'know, thank God. Because, she, she deserves it…she-

__

He breaks down, weeping unabashedly. The group leader goes up to comfort the speaker.

Leader:

Everyone, let's thank Thomas for sharing himself with us.

Everyone:

(In unison)

Thank you, Thomas.

Leader:

I look around this room and I see a lot of courage. And that gives me strength. We give each other strength.

__

Vash looks around. Most of the men are crying; he squirms in his seat.

Leader:

It's time for a little one-on-one. Let's all of us follow Thomas's example and really open ourselves. Can everyone find a partner?

__

Everyone gets up out of their seats and starts pairing up. More than a little embarrassed, Vash remains in his chair. We follow his gaze, as he looks around the room, eventually spotting-

-Gren, who is looking at Vash from across the room. Gren gets up, fidgeting and shuffles uncertainly towards Vash.

Vash (v.o.)

And this is how I met the sentimental swizzle-stick, Gren. His eyes already shrink-wrapped in tears. Knees together, those awkward little steps.

__

Vash sits still, wallowing in discomfort, eyeing this obviously male character sporting a noticeable rack in the neighborhood of at least a "C" cup.

Gren extends his hand. Vash takes it hesitantly.

Gren:

My name's Gren.

Vash:

Hi, Gren.

__

Gren embraces Vash, squashing his face against his chest.

Vash (v.o.):

Gren had been a soldier once. You know the Battle of Titan? When the 41st Ranger group took the city of Knassas in only two days? His work.

Gren:

I used to be a hero. Then they put me on some new anti-depressant, supposed to cure shell-shock y'know? Then my hormones went all crazy….. Now I'm bankrupt, I'm divorced, and my two kids won't even return my calls…

Vash (v.o.):

Strangers with this kind of honesty make me go a big rubbery one.

__

Gren begins to cry. Putting his head on Vash's shoulder and completely covering Vash's face. After a long beat, Gren raises his head and looks at Vash's nametag.

Gren:

Go ahead…Jet. You can cry.

__

Vash doesn't know how to react. Dumbfounded, he lets Gren pull his head back into his chest.

Vash (v.o.):

And then something happened…I let go.

__

Vash starts to cry, tightening his arms around Gren.

Gren:

Thataboy.

Vash (v.o.):

Lost in oblivion - dark and silent and complete. I found freedom. Losing all hope was freedom.

__

Vash pulls away from Gren. Tears streaming down his cheeks, he notices a wet mask on Gren's shirt of what he looks like crying. Like a shroud of Jesus.

Vash (v.o.):

It's easy to cry when you realize that everyone you love will either reject you or die. 

Gren:

It's okay.

Gren hugs Vash again and smiles.

INT. VASH'S APARTMENT. NIGHT.

Vash lies asleep in the fetal position, snoring.

Vash (v.o.):

Babies don't sleep this good.

__

INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE. HALLWAY. DAY.

Vash (v.o.):

I became addicted.

__

Vash stares at a list of support group meetings, stuck to a bulletin board. Looking both ways to make sure no one is watching, he takes the two sheets of paper hung there.

INT. SMALL CHURCH. NIGHT.

A long shot showing Vash participating in a "group-hug" of men and women. Off to the side, we see a sign that reads: "Free and Clear". 

Leader:

(Glancing at Vash's nametag)

Welcome, Spike.

Vash (v.o.):

If I didn't say anything, people always assumed the worst.

Everyone:

Hello, Spike.

__

INT. OFFICE BUILDING BASEMENT. NIGHT.

A long shot of Vash standing with a weeping middle-aged woman. They both hug each other and begin to cry. Near the door is a sign reading: "Seize the Day".

Vash (v.o.):

They cried hard. I cried harder.

__

INT. PUBLIC BUILDING CONFERENCE ROOM. NIGHT.

Everyone, Vash included, sits back in their seats, eyes closed. The group Leader, a tall, strongly built woman with long brown hair, a tinny voice, and a nametag reading, "Millie". She speaks into a microphone from a podium at the front.

Millie:

Now we're going to open the green door – the heart chakra.

Vash (v.o.):

I wasn't really dieing, I wasn't host to cancer or parasites; I was the warm little center that the light of this world crowded around.

Millie:

Now imagine your pain as a white ball of healing light. That's right. Your pain, the pain itself, is a white ball of healing light. It moves over your body, healing you…

__

Vash, eyes closed, is silent.

Millie:

Now keep this going…remember to breathe…and step through the back door of the room. Where does it lead? To your cave…

__

INT. CAVE IN VASH'S IMAGINATION.

Vash walks along, moving through an icy cavern. Off to the side we see a young Jedi suspended from the ceiling, frozen solid. Vash pays him no mind.

Millie: (v.o.):

Now step forward into your cave. That's right. You're going deeper into your cave. And you're going to find…your power animal…

__

Vash comes across a small black cat with pointy ears and ridiculously large, white eyes. It looks back at him.

Cat:

Slide.

__

It giggles with the voice of a small child as it jumps onto a patch of ice and slides away down a tunnel.

EXT. STREET. NIGHT.

Vash walks out the doorway, down the street, smiling blissfully.

Vash (v.o.):

Every evening I died, and every evening I was born again. Resurrected.

__

CUT BACK TO:

INT. 2ND METHODIST CHURCH. MEETING ROOM – RESUMING.

Vash is still hugging Gren.

Vash (v.o.):

Gren loved me because he thought my testicles were removed too. Being there, pressed against his tits, ready to cry – this was my vacation.

__

We hear noise from the hallway. A woman's high heels. 

Vash (v.o.):

And then SHE-

__

Faye Valentine enters, smoking a cigarette. She has short, almost purplish hair and dark, seductive eyes. Dressed all in black, she carries herself with an air of superiority and pride.

Vash (v.o.):

RUINED. EVERYTHING.

__

Faye looks around.

Faye:

This is the cancer thing, right?

__

Gren, Vash, and the others stare dumbfounded.

INT. 2ND METHODIST CHURCH – LATER.

Everyone sits back in their seats. We see Faye, smoking and drinking coffee- Pan to- Vash; glaring at her from across the room.

Vash (v.o.):

This…CHICK…Faye Valentine did NOT have testicular cancer. She was a liar…

__

INT. SMALL CHURCH. NIGHT.

Faye sits, smoking, while a member speaks. Vash spies on her from the doorway.

Vash (v.o.):

She had no diseases at all. I had seen her at "Free and Clear", my blood parasites group Thursdays…

__

INT. CHURCH CATHEDRAL. NIGHT.

Faye sits in the front row, smoking. All the faces in the row are turned toward her, incredulous.

Vash (v.o.):

Then at "Hope", my bimonthly sickle cell circle…

__

Vash leans out from the others, watching her scornfully.

Vash (v.o.):

And again at "Seize the Day", my tuberculosis Friday night.

__

INT. OFFICE BUILDING BASEMENT. NIGHT.

Vash sits in his chair. He hears the striking of a match. He turns slightly to see Faye lighting up.

EXT. 2ND METHODIST CHURCH. NIGHT.

Faye walks out. The support group dispersing, Vash exits with them. He spots Faye walking away. Vash stares after her for a long moment, then leaves as well.

Vash (v.o.):

Faye - the big tourist. Her lie reflected my lie. And suddenly…I felt nothing. I couldn't cry. So once again-

__

INT. VASH'S APARTMENT. NIGHT.

Vash lies awake, staring up at the ceiling in same manner as we saw before.

Vash (v.o.):

-I couldn't sleep.

__

INT. MEETING ROOM. NIGHT – VASH'S IMAGINATION.

Vash (v.o.):

Next group, after guided meditation, after we open our heart chakras, when it's time to hug, I'm going to grab that little bitch Faye Valentine and scream-

__

We follow Vash as he walks up to Faye and grabs her by the shoulders. Everyone watches.

Vash:

Faye, you LIAR! You big TOURIST! I need this, now get out!

__

INT. VASH'S APARTMENT - RESUMING.

Echo: "Get out, out, out…"

Vash sits up in bed, thinking.

Vash (v.o.):

I hadn't slept in four days.

__

INT. VASH'S APARTMENT – LATER.

Vash sits in the middle of the room on the floor, surrounded by gun magazines. He is gripping the phone in his hand. The only sound heard is the drone of the phone's dial tone. A solitary light sits behind him on the bedside table, not quite illuminating his features, nevertheless, we can still make out his eyes in the dark: wide open and staring, unblinking.

Vash (v.o.):

When you have insomnia, you're never really asleep and you're never really awake.

__

INT. SMALL CHURCH. NIGHT.

Everyone sitting in chairs.

Millie:

To begin tonight's communion, Julia would like to say a few words.

__

Taking the lectern is Julia, a pale sickly girl whose skin is stretched tight over her bones. Her long, blonde hair hangs limp and stringy from her head. She clears her throat.

Vash (v.o.):

Oh yeah, Julia. Julia looked the way Joni Mitchell's skeleton would look if you made it smile and walk the room being extra nice to everyone.

Julia:

Well, I'm still here…though I don't know for how much longer. That's as much certainty as anyone can give me. But I have some good news – I no longer fear death.

__

Scattered applause throughout the church.

Julia:

Though…I am in a pretty lonely place. No one will have sex with me. I-I'm so close to the end and all I want is to get laid for the last time. I have pornographic movies in my apartment and lubricants and amyl nitrate…

__

Millie gingerly takes control of the microphone from Julia.

Millie:

Thank you, Julia. Everyone, let's thank Julia.

__

Vash sits, stunned.

Everyone (except Vash):

Thank you, Julia.

__

INT. SMALL CHURCH – LATER.

Millie:

Now you're standing at the entrance to your cave. You step inside your cave and you walk. Keep walking…

__

Vash sits motionless, eyes closed.

Vash (v.o.):

If I had a tumor, I'd name it Faye. Faye…that little scratch on the roof of your mouth that would heal if only you could stop tonguing it.

Leader:

Now, find your power animal.

__

INT. CAVE IN VASH'S IMAGINATION.

Vash walks in to find Faye sitting in the middle of the room, smoking. She regards him indifferently. 

Faye:

Slide.

__

INT. SMALL CHURCH – RESUMING.

Vash's eyes pop open. He turns to look down the aisle at Faye, who's blowing smoke rings with her eyes closed.

INT. SMALL CHURCH – LATER.

Everyone stands around, pairing up.

Millie:

Pick someone special to you tonight.

__

Vash notices the gaunt figure of Julia ambling towards him from the corner of his eye. She smiles at him like a leering Jack-o-Lantern.

Julia:

Hello, Mr. Spiegel.

Vash (v.o.):

I never gave my real name at support groups.

Vash:

Um…Hi Julia.

Julia:

Y'know, we've never actually talked.

__

Julia's eyes are bright with an eerie determination. Vash, noticing the babushka she's wearing, and in an attempt at levity, chokes out –

Vash:

You…um…you like a pirate.

__

Julia laughs, perhaps a little more than the joke warranted. Vash manages a half-hearted laugh. He sees Faye off by herself, getting coffee.

Vash:

Excuse me, I uh, have to –

__

Vash gives a quick nod to Julia and darts away. Julia watches him go.

We follow Vash as he moves toward Faye. He grabs her by the arm and whispers to her –

Vash:

We need to talk.

Faye:

Sure.

__

Vash pulls her away from the coffee table. Once they're away from the others, he turns to her.

Vash:

I'm on to you, okay? You're not dying.

Faye:

What?

Vash:

Okay, in the Sylvia Plath sense of the word, I know we're all dying. But you're not dying the way that Julia is dying…

__

The Leader walks aimlessly about the crowd, murmuring random nuggets of support group talk.

Millie:

Tell the other person just how you feel.

Vash (continuing):

You're a tourist, okay? I saw you at Melanoma, tuberculosis, and then at testicular cancer.

Faye:

And I saw you practicing this.

Vash:

Practicing what?

Faye:

Telling me off. Is it going as well as you hoped…(reads Vash's nametag) Mr. Spiegel?

Vash:

I'll…I'll expose you.

Faye:

Go ahead, I'll expose you.

Millie:

All right, come together. Let yourselves cry.

__

Faye puts her head on Vash's shoulder and begins to cry melodramatically. Vash looks around uncomfortably.

Vash:

Oh, God. Why are you doing this?

Faye:

It's cheaper than a movie and there's free coffee.

Vash:

No, look. This is important, ok? These are MY groups. I've been coming here for over a year.

Faye:

Why do YOU do it?

Vash:

I don't know. When people think you're dying, they really listen –

Faye:

-instead of just waiting for their turn to speak.

Vash:

Well….yeah.

Millie:

Share yourself. Completely.

Vash:

(Warning)

Look, you really don't want to get into this. It becomes an addiction.

Faye:

Really?

__

Vash pulls away from her.

Vash:

(Pleading)

I'm not kidding! I can't cry if there's another faker in the room and I NEED this. So you've got to find somewhere else to go.

Faye:

Candy-stripe a cancer ward. It's not my problem.

__

Faye starts out of the room. Vash follows her.

EXT. SMALL CHURCH. NIGHT – CONTINUOUS.

Faye moves quickly down the sidewalk.

Vash:

We'll split up the week, okay? You can have lymphoma and tuberculosis –

Faye:

You take tuberculosis. My smoking doesn't go over at all.

Vash:

Ok, good, fine. Testicular cancer should be no contest, I think.

Faye:

Well, technically I have more of a right to be there. You've still got your balls.

Vash:

You're kidding.

Faye:

I don't know…Am I?

Vash:

What? No! No!

__

Vash follows Faye into…

INT. LAUNDROMAT. – CONTINUOUS.

Faye walks with authority up to an unattended dryer. She takes out the clothes, picking out shirts, pants, and socks.

Vash:

What do you want?

Faye:

I'll take the parasites.

Vash:

You can't have BOTH parasites! Look, you take blood parasites – 

Faye:

I want brain parasites.

Vash:

Okay, I'll take blood parasites and brain dementia –

Faye:

I want that.

Vash:

You can't have the whole brain!

Faye:

So far you have four, I only have two!

Vash:

Okay, take blood parasites. They're yours. Now we each have three – 

__

Faye gathers the clothing and heads out.

EXT. SIDEWALK – CONTINUOUS.

Vash follow, bewildered.

Vash:

Hey! You left half your clothes!

__

Vash looks up and is nearly run over by a horse-drawn buggy. Faye is currently crossing a street with traffic barreling down. She walks on, oblivious as all manner of transportation stops to honk at her. Vash follows, more cautiously.

INT. PAWN SHOP – CONTINUOUS.

Faye drops the clothes onto the counter. An old clerk sorts through them, writing on pad.

Vash:

What, you're selling those?

__

Faye stomps on Vash's boot. He winces.

Faye:

(In front of the clerk)

Yes. I'm selling some clothes.

__

The clerk starts to ring up the amount.

Faye:

So we have three – that's six. What about the seventh day? I want ascending bowel cancer.

Vash (v.o.):

The girl had done her homework.

Vash:

I want bowel cancer.

__

The clerk gives Vash a strange look as he hands the money to Faye.

Faye:

(to clerk)

Thank you.

(to Vash)

That's your favorite too? Tried to slip it by me, eh?

Vash:

We'll split it up. You get the first and third Sunday of the month.

Faye:

Deal.

__

They shake hands. Vash tries to withdraw. Faye holds it.

Faye:

Looks like this is goodbye.

Vash:

Well, let's not make a big thing about it.

__

Faye walks to the door, pocketing money, not looking back.

Faye:

How's this for not making a big thing?

__

Vash watches her go…a beat. Then he follows her.

EXT. SIDEWALK – CONTINUOUS.

Vash hesitates, unsure, then runs to catch up with her. Faye walks into the street again, not looking, prompting the driver of a motor truck to stop and honk.

Vash:

Faye! Hey, Faye! Maybe we should exchange numbers.

Faye:

Should we?

Vash:

In case we want to switch nights.

Faye:

Fine.

__

Faye walks back over to Vash. Vash takes out a business card, writes his number on the back, gives it to her. She takes the pen, and writes her number on his palm.

Vash (v.o.):

This is how I met Faye Valentine.

__

She walks back into the street, causing more honking and yelling.

Vash (v.o.):

Faye's philosophy was that she might die at any moment. The tragedy, she said, was that she didn't.

__

Faye turns, holding up the card.

Faye:

This doesn't have your name. Who are you? Gourry? Spike? Cid? Any of the stupid names you give each night?

__

Before Vash can answer, a steam-driven car moves into view, obscuring Faye.


	3. Single Serving Vash/Wolfwood

__

INT. SANDSTEAMER CABIN – DAY.

The train rolls into the station, whistle blowing. Vash's eyes pop open.

Vash (v.o.):

You wake up at July.

__

INT. SANDSTEAMER CABIN – DAY.

Vash snaps awake in his seat again, looking disoriented.

Vash (v.o.):

May.

__

EXT. SANDSTEAMER STATION – DUSK.

Vash stands amidst a flowing tide of people getting off the Steamer, looking confused.

Vash (v.o.):

You wake up at December, Clegscraft, August.

__

INT. STEAMER TERMINAL – NIGHT.

Vash runs to the gate counter. The attendant smiles at him.

Vash (v.o.):

Eastern, Western, Central. Lose an hour, gain an hour.

Attendant:

Check-in for that transport doesn't for another two hours, sir.

__

Vash looks at his watch, and then at the terminal's clock.

Vash (v.o.):

This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time.

__

INT. SANDSTEAMER CABIN. DAY.

Vash (v.o.):

You wake up at Inepril.

__

INT. SANDSTEAMER TERMINAL. DAY.

Vash sits on a bench, watching people walk by.

Vash (v.o.):

If you wake up at a different time and in a different place, could you wake up as a different person?

Vash misses seeing Wolfwood, who walks by behind him, drinking a Slushy.

__

INT. SANDSTEAMER CABIN. IN TRANSIT. NIGHT.

Vash sits next to a businessman. As they have idle conversation, we move in on Vash's tray. An attendant's hands set coffee down with a small container of cream.

Vash (v.o.):

Everywhere I travel – tiny life. Single serving-sugar, single-serving cream, single-pat of butter.

__

Cut to:

Hands putting down a dinner tray covered in saran-wrap.

Vash (v.o.):

Microwave Cordon-Bleu hobby kit.

__

Cut to:

INT. HOTEL ROOM. BATHROOM. NIGHT.

Vash brushes his teeth in front of a mirror.

Vash (v.o.):

Shampoo-Conditioner combo. Single-serving mouthwash, tiny bar of soap.

__

Vash picks up an individually wrapped Q-tip. Looks at it. He moves out of the bathroom into…

INT. HOTEL. MAIN ROOM. CONTINUOUS.

Vash sits on the bed. He turns on the TV. It's tuned to the hotel's infomercial channel. Shows waiters serving people in a large banquet room. Vash stops brushing – feels something on the bed, lifts it – a small dinner mint.

Cut to:

INT. SANDSTEAMER CABIN. IN TRANSIT. NIGHT. CONTINUOUS.

Vash sits next to a frumpy woman. They chat. Vash turns to take a bite of his food. Turns back, and it's –

A bald man sitting next to him. Vash takes another bite, turns back and it's –

A businessman sitting next to him. Vash takes another bite, turns back and it's – 

A middle-aged woman next to him.

Vash (v.o.):

They people I meet on each flight - they're single-serving friends. Between departure and arrival at the next town, we have our time together, but that's all we get.

__

Cut back to:

INT. HOTEL ROOM. NIGHT. CONTINUOUS.

The TV now shows a line up of waiters spreading their arms and saying – 

Waiters:

Welcome!

__

Vash flips the mint in the air and eats it.

EXT. WAREHOUSE. DAY.

Vash stands outside with two technicians. They watch as a team of steam-tractors pull the wrecked, burnt-out shell of a Sandsteamer cockpit out into the open. The two technicians help him climb up inside of it.

Vash (v.o.):

On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.

__

INT. SANDSTEAMER COCKPIT. DAY.

Vash walks around the small room, taking notes on a clipboard.

Vash (v.o.):

My boss has me on damage control this week. My job is to apply the formula. It's a story problem.

Technician 1:

Here's where the communications officer went through the windshield. Three points.

Vash (v.o.):

A Sandsteamer leaves Redding travelling 60 iles per hour. Passing through the northern canyons, it gets caught in a landslide.

Technician 2:

The Navigator's retainer is wrapped around the seat's ashtray. Might make a good anti-smoking ad.

Vash (v.o.):

The Steamer's fuel reserves leak and catch fire, burning the entire front section to a crisp. Now: does the Sandsteamer Corp. initiate a recall?

Technician 1:

The Conductor must've been huge. See how the fat burnt into the seat with the polyester shirt? Very "modern art."

Vash (v.o.):

You take the number of Steamers currently operating (A), multiply it by the probable rate of failure (B), and then multiply the result by the average out-of-court settlement (C). A times B times C –

__

Cut to:

INT. SANDSTEAMER CABIN. NIGHT.

Vash is speaking to the middle-aged woman from before.

Vash:

-equals X. We then contact the Sandsteamer Corp. with this information. If they find that X is less than the cost of a recall. Then they don't do one.

Woman:

Are these findings reported to the authorities?

Vash:

Not really.

Woman:

Why not?

Vash:

We're paid very well to not talk.

Woman:

(Disbelieving)

Then why are you sitting here telling me this?

Vash:

(shrugs)

Because I don't care.

Woman:

(A beat)

…Which insurance company do you work for?

Vash:

A major one.

__

Turgid silence. Vash turns back to his plate to finish his dinner. He turns to the window to see a second Steamer coming at them from the left.

Vash (v.o.):

Everytime we pulled into the main concourse, I prayed for a lapse in communication between the station and the Steamers, or a busted braking system, anything that would lead to a collision.

__

Vash' face remains bland during the following: The left side of the Steamer buckles in from the hit by the other one. About 10 feet up the aisle, it is broken in two as the second Steamer plows through completely. People panic. The right side of the Steamer shears off. Sparks fly from metal hitting metal. Magazines and papers fly everywhere.

Vash (v.o.):

Life insurance pays off triple if you die on a business trip.

__

Vash remains in the same position, same bland expression.

WOO-WOO! The Steamer's whistle blares. Vash snaps awake. Everything is normal. From next to Vash, a voice we've heard before –

Wolfwood:

"If you are seated in an emergency exit row…and you feel that you would be unwilling or unable to perform the duties listed on this safety card, please ask your attendant to re-seat you."

__

Vash turns to see Wolf. Wolf is reading a safety instruction manual.

Vash:

It's a lot of responsibility.

Wolf:

(Turning to Vash)

Wanna switch seats?

Vash:

No, I'm not sure I'm the man for that particular job.

Wolf:

An exit-door procedure from a speeding vehicle bigger than a three story building. Mm-Hmm. The illusion of safety.

Vash:

Yeah, I guess so.

Wolf:

Do you know why Steamers filter in air?

Vash:

To reduce the dust so that you can breathe.

Wolf:

So that if necessary, they can mix the air with a higher concentration of oxygen. Oxygen gets you high. In a catastrophic emergency, you're taking, big, panicky breaths. Suddenly you become euphoric and docile, accepting your fate.

__

Wolfwood points to passive faces on the drawn figures in the instruction card.

Wolf:

Emergency brake failure, 80 iles per hour. Blank faces – calm as Hindu cows.

Vash:

(chuckling)

That's…um…an interesting theory. (Pause) What do you do?

Wolf:

What do you mean?

Vash:

What do you do for a living?

Wolf:

Why? So you can pretend you're interested?

__

Vash laughs.

Wolf:

You have a kind of sick desperation in your laugh.

__

Wolf reaches under the seat in front of him and lifts a briefcase. Vash points to his own luggage.

Vash:

Hey, we have the same briefcase.

__

Wolfwood smiles and opens his. He lifts the lid to reveal tiny wrapped bars of soap.

Wolf:

Soap.

Vash:

I'm sorry?

Wolf:

I make and I sell soap.

__

Wolf takes out a business card from the briefcase. He hands it to Vash. It reads: "The Paper Street Soap Company."

Vash (v.o):

And this is how I met –

Vash:

Nicholas D. Wolfwood.

Wolf:

Did you know that if you mix equal parts gasoline and frozen orange juice concentrate, you can make napalm?

Vash:

No, I didn't know that. Is that true?

Wolf:

That's right. One can make all sorts of explosives using simple household items.

Vash:

Really?

Wolf:

If one were so inclined.

__

Wolfwood snaps the briefcase shut. Vash stares.

Vash:

Nick – 

Wolf:

Call me Wolfwood.

Vash:

Wolfwood, you are by far the most interesting single-serving friend I've ever met.

__

Wolfwood just stares at Vash. Vash, enjoying his chance to be witty, leans closer to Wolfwood.

Vash:

You see, everything on a Sandsteamer is single-serving, even –

Wolf:

Oh, I get it. That's very clever.

Vash:

Thank you.

Wolf:

How's that working out for you?

Vash:

What?

Wolf:

Being clever.

Vash:

(Thrown)

Oh…great.

Wolf:

Good. Keep it up then.

__

Wolfwood stands, looks toward the aisle.

Wolf:

Now then, a question of etiquette: In passing, do I give you the ass or the crotch?

__

Wolfwood moves toward the aisle, his ass towards Vash. Walks down a little ways and there's an attendant. He moves past her, his crotch towards her butt. Wolfwood passes into the first-class section and sits in an empty seat. Vash watches.

Vash (v.o.):

How I came to live with Wolfwood, is: Transit lines have this policy about vibrating luggage.

__

INT. BAGGAGE CLAIM. NIGHT.

Utterly empty of baggage. No people except Vash and a security guard. The guard holds a receiver to his ear from a phone on the wall.

Vash:

Was it ticking?

Guard:

(To Vash)

Actually, throwers don't worry about ticking cause modern bombs don't tick.

Vash:

Sorry? Throwers?

Guard:

Baggage handlers. But when a suitcase vibrates, the throwers have to call in the Marshals.

Vash:

My suitcase was vibrating?

Guard:

Nine times out of ten, it's an electric razor. But every once in a while…

(whispers) It's a dildo. 

Of course it's company policy never to imply ownership in the event of a dildo. We use the indefinite article: "A dildo". Never "YOUR dildo."

Vash:

I don't own a –

__

The guard shushes him, listening to the phone. Vash turns to see Wolfwood at the curb outside - 

Vash (v.o.):

I had everything in that suitcase. My spare sunglasses, my trench coat, my toothbrush…

__

-Wolfwood throws a suitcase into the back of a motor car. He jumps in and peels out, leaving a cloud of dust behind. As Vash turns away from the window, the owner of the car dashes after Wolfwood, screaming.

Vash (v.o.):

…never mind.

__

INT. TAXI– MOVING. NIGHT.

Vash looks ahead, sees a three story, brick building on the corner.

Vash (v.o.):

Home was an apartment on the third floor of a filing cabinet for widows and social dissidents. The walls were red brick covering a wooden frame. A foot of brick and planks isn't very effective when your next-door neighbor lets her hearing aid go out and has to watch game shows at full volume…

__

The taxi turns a corner and Vash sees the front of the apartment building. A diffuse cloud of smoke wafts away from a blown-out section on the third floor. Fire wagons, Marshals, and a crowd of onlookers swarm around the front near the lobby.

EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING. NIGHT.

Vash gets out and gapes up at the sight above him. Vash starts toward the building.

Vash (v.o.):

Or, when a volcanic blast of debris that used to be your furniture and personal effects blows out an entire wall of your apartment along with a good section of the roof and sails flaming into the night. 

__

Vash, gaping at the sight before him, absently gives the cabbie money. 

Vash (v.o.):

I suppose these things happen.

__

The taxi pulls away as Vash starts toward the building. He pushes through the fray of people into –

INT. APARTMENT BUILDING. LOBBY.

The doorman sees Vash enter, starts toward him.

Doorman:

There's nothing left. You can't go into the unit, Marshal's orders.

__

Vash nods, turns around and starts out, as if in a trance. The doorman follows –

EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING. – CONTINIUOUS.

The doorman stops at the entrance as Vash walks around the smoking debris of his property. We see a burnt end table, a bed, numerous guns (now twisted lumps of metal), and a smashed mini-fridge, which Vash walks towards.

Doorman:

Do you have someone you can call?

Vash (v.o.):

How embarrassing. A refrigerator full of condiments and no food.

__

Vash reaches down to a severed piece of the fridge's door. He picks up a scrap of paper held on by a magnet. It reads: "Faye" along with a phone number.

INT. VASH'S APARTMENT. 

Close up of stove. Hissing.

Vash (v.o.):

The investigators would later tell me that the pilot light might have gone out…letting out just a little bit of gas…

__

EXT. PAYPHONE. CONTINUOUS.

Vash walks up to the payphone. He picks up the receiver, puts in a coin, and looks at Faye's number a long time.

Cut to:

INT. VASH'S APARTMENT. CONTINUOUS

Hissing.

Vash (v.o.):

The gas could have slowly filled the whole room. Fifteen hundred square eters of high ceilings for days and days…

__

Cut to:

EXT PAYPHONE. CONTINUOUS.

Vash dials Faye's number. It rings twice. Faye picks up.

Cut to:

INT. VASH'S APARTMENT. CONTINUOUS.

Close-up of refrigerator.

Vash (v.o.):

Then, the refrigerator's compressor could've clicked on.

__

EXT. PAYPHONE. CONTINUOUS.

Faye:

Yeah?

__

Cut to:

INT. VASH'S APARTMENT. CONTINUOUS.

Base of refrigerator. A spark and – KA-BOOM! The screen goes white.

Cut to:

EXT. PAYPHONE.

Faye:

I can hear you breathing, you-

__

Vash hangs up. When putting Faye's number back in his pocket, he finds something else. Pulling to out, he realizes it's Wolfwood's business card.

Vash (v.o.):

If you ask me now, I couldn't tell you why I called him.

__

Vash puts in another coin. Dials Wolfwood's number. It rings….and rings….and rings. Vash sighs and hangs up the phone. He turns to leave. A beat and then the phone rings.

Vash:

Hello?

Wolf (v.o.):

Who's this?

Vash:

Wolfwood?

Wolf (v.o.):

Who is this?

Vash:

Um, we met on the Steamer. We had the same briefcase. I'm, uh…the clever guy.

Wolf (v.o.):

Oh yeah. Right, okay.

Vash:

I just called a second ago, there was no answer. I'm at a payphone.

Wolf (v.o.):

I star sixy-nined you. I never pick up my phone. So what's up man?

Vash:

Well….you're not gonna believe this.

__

EXT. LOU'S TAVERN. NIGHT.

A small adobe building near the outskirts of town.

INT. LOU'S TAVERN.

Vash and Wolfwood sit in the back, with a pitcher of beer.

Wolf:

You know, it could have been worse. The Regional government could've taken you to an underground complex outside of Modoc where not even surgeons but semi-skilled technicians would razor your eyelids off as part of toxicity testing an aerosol tanning spray.

Vash:

Well there is always that. I don't know, it's just…when you buy furniture, you tell yourself, that's it, that's the last end table I'm gonna need. No matter what else happens, I've got that end table problem handled. I had it all. I had a bed that was very comfy, a wardrobe that, while it represented the bare minimum, was getting very respectable, and a certifiable galleria of weapons that any collector would kill to get. I was so close to being…complete.

Wolf:

Shit man, now it's all gone.

Vash:

ALL gone.

Wolf:

Do you know what FMJ is?

Vash: 

Full metal jacketed rounds.

Wolf:

They're bullets. Just bullets. Now why do guys like you and I know what FMJ means? Is this essential to our survival? In the hunter-gatherer sense of the word: NO. So what are we then?

Vash:

We're, you know, consumers.

Wolf:

Right. We're consumers. We're by-products of a lifestyle obsession. Murder, crime, poverty – these things don't concern me. What concern me are gun magazines, television with five hundred channels of infomercials, and some asshole's name on everything I buy. I'm sick of all these companies pushing this shit about designer handguns and gold plated throwing knives. If I'm going to wax somebody, I'll do it with my Grader and not a fancy walnut stock, titanium-lined paperweight that some fucker in a topcoat was pushing on The Shopping Channel last night. I say screw the industry, I say never be complete. I say stop trying to be perfect. I say evolve and let the chips fall where they may….But that's just me, I could be wrong, and maybe it's a terrible tragedy.

Vash:

Nah, you're right, it's just stuff.

Wolf:

Although, you did lose a lot of versatile solutions for a modern living.

Vash:

Fuck, you're right. (Wolf offers him a cigarette) Nah, I don't smoke. My insurance will probably cover it though.

__

Wolfwood stares at him.

Vash:

What?

Wolf:

The things you own, end up owning you. But do what you like, man.

__

EXT. LOU'S TAVERN. EVENING. 

****

Vash and Wolfwood come out of double doors. Both stand there momentarily while Wolfwood lights up.

Vash:

What time is it?

Wolfwood:

(Checking his watch)

Uh…little past 3.

Vash:

God, it's late…Oh, thanks for the drinks.

Wolf:

Sure thing.

Vash:

(Musing to himself)

Should probably find a hotel….

Wolf:

What?!

Vash:

…what?

Wolf:

A hotel?

Vash:

Well…yeah…where else am I going to sleep tonight?

Wolf:

Just ask, man.

Vash:

(Perplexed)

Ask what?

Wolf:

Three pitchers of beer and you still can't ask.

Vash:

Huh?

Wolf:

You called me because you needed a place to stay.

Vash:

(Apologetic)

Oh, no, no…hey, man-

Wolf:

(interrupting)

Yes, you did. So just cut the foreplay and ask, man.

Vash:

…Would…would that be a problem?

Wolf:

Is it a problem for you to ask?

Vash:

…Can I stay at your place?

Wolf:

Sure.

Vash:

…um…Thanks.

Wolf:

But first, I want you to do me a favor.

Vash:

Yeah, sure.

Wolfwood:

(Lightning fast)

Iwantyoutohitmeashardasyoucan.

Vash:

Come again?

Wolfwood:

(Slow and explanatory)

I want you to hit me as hard as you can.

Freeze picture.

Vash (v.o.):

Let me tell you a little bit about Nicolas Wolfwood.


	4. Odd Jobs/Paper Street

__

Cut to:

Extreme close-up: movie frame. 

It comes into focus and we see it's a penis.

INT. PROJECTIONIST BOOTH. THEATER. NIGHT.

__

Vash, in the foreground, narrates to the camera. In the background, Wolfwood sits at a bench, looking at individual frames cut out of movies. Near him, the projector rolls a film.

Vash:

Wolfwood was a night person. While the rest of us were sleeping, he worked. He had one part time job as a projectionist. See, a movie doesn't come in one big reel, but several, rather. So someone has to be there to change projectors at the exact moment one reel ends and the next begins. If you look for it, you can see little dots coming into the screen in the upper right hand corner.

__

Wolfwood points to the side of our screen. Two dots briefly appear onscreen.

Wolf:

In the industry, we call them "cigarette burns".

Vash:

That's the cue for a changeover. The movie goes on and no one in the audience has any idea.

Wolf:

And why would anyone WANT this shit job?

Vash:

Because it affords them other interesting opportunities.

Wolf:

Like splicing single frames of pornography into family films.

Vash:

So when the snooty cat and the courageous dog with the celebrity voices meet for the first time in reel three, that's when you'll catch a glimpse of Nick's contribution to the film.

__

INT. THEATER.

We see the audience, but not the screen. Cartoon voices are heard. Briefly, there is the sound of a woman moaning, but it is cut off as the film continues. In the audience Meryl sits stunned, glancing to either side to see if anyone else saw it. Millie sits next to her, contentedly munching popcorn; oblivious. Further down, Jet squints at the screen to make sure he wasn't just seeing things, next to him, Spike raises an eyebrow while Faye moves to cover the eyes of Ed, who's wearing a quizzical expression on her face.

Vash:

Wolfwood pretty much sticks to close-ups, like a four-story tall erection, slippery, red and terrible, or a Grand Canyon vagina with an echo, twitching with blood pressure as Cinderella dances with her Prince Charming. People watch. Nobody complains. Afterwards, moviegoers feel sick or start to cry and don't know why.

Wolf:

Nice. Big. Cock.

Vash:

Even a hummingbird couldn't catch Wolfwood at work.

__

INT. LARGE BANQUET HALL. NIGHT.

Wolfwood moves around one of the many tables throwing food to the patrons. Vash sits in one of the chairs at the same table. He turns to the camera behind him.

Vash:

Wolfwood also worked sometimes as a banquet waiter at the luxurious Pressman Hotel.

__

INT. SERVICE ELEVATOR. NIGHT.

Vash turns and we pan to Wolfwood, standing by a cart with a giant soup tureen. His hands are on his fly and he's making to piss into the soup.

Vash:

He was THE guerilla terrorist of the food service industry.

Wolf:

Do not watch. I cannot go when you watch.

Vash:

He farted on meringue, sneezed on braised endive, and as for the cream of mushroom soup…well-

Wolf:

Go ahead, tell 'em.

Vash:

You get the idea.

__

Cut back to:

EXT. LOU'S TAVERN. RESUMING.

Vash:

What do you want me to do? You want me to hit you?

Wolf:

C'mon, do me this one favor.

Vash:

Why?

Wolf:

Why? I don't know why. Never been in a fight. You?

Vash:

Well, not really, but that's a good thing, right?

Wolf:

No it is not! How much can you know about yourself if you've never been in a fight? I don't want to die without any scars-

__

Wolf takes two bottles of beer out of his pockets and sets them on the ground.

Wolf:

-so come on and hit me before I lose my nerve.

Vash:

This is crazy.

Wolf:

So go crazy. Let 'er rip.

Vash:

I don't know about this.

Wolf:

Well don't either. But who gives a shit? No one's watching, what do you care?

Vash:

This is crazy. You want me to HIT you?

Wolf:

That's right.

Vash:

What, like in the face?

Wolf:

Surprise me.

Vash:

This is so stupid.

__

Vash swings wide. A clumsy roundhouse like in the movies, except instead of knocking Wolfwood flat, Vash hits Wolfwood's ear, making a dull, flat sound.

Wolf:

MotherFUCKER! Ow…You hit me in the ear!

Vash:

Oh, Jesus. I'm sorry.

Wolf:

Why the ear, man?

Vash:

Aw, I'm sorry, I screwed it up!

Wolf:

Oh, no, that was perfect.

__

Wolfwood shoots out a straight punch to Vash's stomach. Vash falls back against a car. His eyes tear up. Wolfwood moves closer to see if he's okay.

Vash:

(coughs)

Nah, that's alright. Wow. That really hurts……hit me again.

Wolf:

No, no, you hit ME. Come on!

__

Wolfwood punches Vash in the stomach again. They move around, clumsily throwing punches. 

__

EXT. STREET – LATER.

Wolfwood and Vash sit together on the curb. Their eyes glazed with endorphin-induced serenity. Wolfwood is smoking and Vash is drinking a beer. Vash hands the beer to Wolfwood.

Vash:

We should do this again sometime.

__

Wolfwood smiles and drinks.

EXT. PAPER STREET. NIGHT.

__

A street sign in the foreground: "Paper Street". A paper mill sits on one side of the road, facing a lone house on the other. The rest of the land is scrub grass and dunes. The house is a grand old three story, long since abandoned. Wolf leads Vash towards it.

Vash:

Where's your car?

Wolf:

What car?

__

INT. PAPER STREET HOUSE. NIGHT.

Wolf leads Vash through the front door.

Vash (v.o.):

I don't know how Wolfwood found the house, but he said he'd been there for a year. It looked like it was waiting to be torn down. Most of the windows were boarded up.

__

INT. PAPER STREET HOUSE. LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS.

Wolfwood and Vash climb creaky stairs to the 2nd floor landing. 

Vash (v.o.):

There was no lock on the front door for when the Marshals or whoever kicked it in. The stairs were ready to collapse. I didn't know whether he owned the place or if he was squatting. Neither would have surprised me.

__

Wolf opens the door to a bedroom.

INT. ROOM – CONTINUOUS.

Vash enters. Wolf stands in the hallway.

Wolf:

(pointing to the room)

That's you.

(pointing to room down the hall)

That's me.

(points across hall)

That's toilet. Good?

Vash:

Yeah, thanks.

__

Vash sits on the creaky bed. Dust flies up.

Vash (v.o.):

What a shithole.


	5. Fight Night/Infectious Human Waste

Author's note: Big thanks to everyone who reviewed! Your praise and criticism (constructive, mind you) is always appreciated. If you haven't already noticed; yes, I have been sticking a bit close to the original Fight Club script, a problem that I'm looking to remedy as this thing progresses. So if some of the scenes from here on out don't progress as in the movie or if you find dialogue added or deleted entirely, chalk it up to me trying to find a happy medium between sticking to the original story while trying to alter it to suit the misplaced characters herein. Blah, blah, blah, chapter 5 is up. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I still don't own Trigun, Fight Club, or any of the other characters or licenses mentioned.

INT. PAPER STREET HOUSE. SHOWER. MORNING.

Vash turns on the water. Loud vibrations are heard from the wall. Water spits in starts.

****

Vash (v.o.):

Nothing worked. I learned after a week to take baths only, since the showerhead spewed a ruddy brown liquid that I tried my hardest to believe was NOT sewage.

INT. KITCHEN.

Wolf is warming toast over a stove. Vash sits on the table.

****

Vash (v.o.):

There were no neighbors. Just some warehouses and an ammo factory. That coppery, metallic tang ever-present in the air. The smell of manufactured death. 

EXT. REAR OF LOU'S TAVERN. NIGHT.

Wolfwood and Vash fight. Two guys come out of the tavern. They see them fighting.

****

Man:

The Hell's this?

They walk towards them. Vash sees the men first.

****

Vash:

Ow! Hey, truce, truce!!

Wolfwood stops pummeling Vash momentarily.

****

Wolf:

Oh, hi guys.

****

Men:

Hey.

Wolfwood decks Vash with a right hook.

INT. BERNADELLI AGENCY. RESTROOM. DAY.

Vash and another employee stand side by side, pissing. Vash is whistling. The other man can't help but notice Vash's black eye.

INT. PAPER STREET HOUSE. BASEMENT. NIGHT.

Vash sits on the basement stairs, watching as Wolfwood, knee-deep in water, works at opening the fuse box, flipping breakers in what seems a random order, showing Vash how it's done.

****

Vash (v.o.):

Every time it rained, we had to kill the power. By the end of the first month I didn't miss TV. I didn't even mind the warm, stale refrigerator.

EXT. BACK OF LOU'S TAVERN. NIGHT.

About ten guys stand, yelling as Wolfwood fights a guy in workman's clothing. Wolfwood lands a good hit and the man falls down. A guy in a business suit with short purpleish hair and glazed golden eyes steps forward and raises his hand.

****

Legato:

Can I be next?

Vash and Wolfwood look at each other.

****

Wolf:

Alright, man. Lose the tie.

****

Legato:

Actually, all I want is for you to hit me. Please.

****

Wolf:

(shrugs)

…Suit yourself.

Legato stands, smiling as Wolfwood uppercuts him, sending him flying backwards onto the pavement.

****

Vash (v.o.):

Masochists aside, Wolfwood and I were finding out more and more that we weren't alone.

Legato lies bleeding from the mouth, reveling in the moment.

****

Legato:

Oh yeah.

****

Wolf:

(to the crowd)

Anyone who will actually fight back?

EXT. PAPER STREET HOUSE. NIGHT.

Vash and Wolfwood swing golf clubs – THWACK – sending golf balls flying out towards the desolate horizon –

****

Vash (v.o.):

At night, Wolfwood and I were alone for an ile in every direction.

-well, almost desolate. After one swing, we hear glass shattering in the distance.

EXT. PAPER STREET HOUSE – LATER.

Long Shot. Starting from opposite ends of the screen, Vash and Wolfwood (clad in football helmets and pieces of makeshift armor) jump towards each other, screaming. 

****

Vash (v.o.):

Without TV, you find new ways to entertain yourself.

Near the middle, they collide with one another. Vash gets up and starts hitting Wolfwood with his helmet. Wolfwood gets up and chases Vash offscreen, brandishing his pogo stick.

EXT. PAPER STREET HOUSE – LATER.

Vash stands in front of the house. To his right are several mattresses stacked on top of each other. He's wearing a gas mask and holding red emergency flares.

Cut to:

Wolfwood. On top of the house, holding a ping-pong paddle in each hand and wearing aviator's goggles. 

****

Vash (v.o.):

Contrary to popular belief, some of the stupidest ideas are birthed from boredom, not alcohol.

Cut to:

Vash waves flares rapidly. We hear a rising wail. Wolfwood falls onto the mattresses, bouncing off and landing with a thud to the right of the pile. Vash walks over. He kicks Wolfwood to make sure he's still alive. Wolfwood responds by lifting a hand.

****

Wolf:

Ow.

INT. PAPER STREET HOUSE. NIGHT.

It's raining.

****

Vash (v.o.):

Rain trickled down through the plaster and the light fixtures. Everything wooden swelled and shrunk. Everywhere were nails to snag an elbow on. The previous occupant had been a bit of a shut-in.

INT. READING ROOM. NIGHT.

Candles burn. Vash is reading magazines. Rain drips from the ceiling. There's no furniture, so Vash sits upon one of the shorter piles of magazines, of which there are literally thousands around the room. Wolfwood, clad in a robe and slippers, rides by on a tricycle.

****

Wolf:

Hey, man, what're you reading?

****

Vash:

Listen to this: It's an article written by an organ in the first person. "I am Jack's medulla oblongata, without me, Jack could not regulate his heart rate, blood pressure, or breathing." There's a whole series of these! "I am Jill's nipple." I am Jack's colon."

****

Wolf:

(still on the cycle)

Yeah, I get cancer, I kill Jack.

Wolfwood hits a wet spot and flips over the handlebars, going down hard.

INT. BERNADELLI AGENCY. VASH'S OFFICE. DAY.

Vash dabs blood from his mouth with a tissue. His boss enters and begins complaining.

****

Vash (v.o.):

After fighting, everything in life gets the volume turned down.

****

Vash:

What?

****

Vash (v.o.):

You can deal with anything.

****

Boss:

Have you finished those reports yet?

Vash hands her the reports.

****

Vash (v.o.):

The people who had power over you, have less and less.

****

INT. PAPER STREET HOUSE. BATHROOM. MORNING.

Vash is taking care of an injury. Wolfwood is in the tub. 

****

Wolf:

If you could fight anyone, who would you fight?

****

Vash:

I'd fight my boss, I guess.

****

Wolf:

Really?

****

Vash:

Yeah, why? Who would you fight?

****

Wolf:

I'd fight my guardian.

****

Vash:

Guardian?

****

Wolf:

My parents died when I was real young. Social Services gave me to this eccentric old guy. Liked me to call him Chapel. Always eating apples. He'd been a college grad, so it was real important that I go too. So I graduate and I call him up, I say "Hey, 'Dad', what now?" "Get a job he says." So I get a job. I'm twenty-five now and I make my yearly call, I ask him "Okay, 'Dad', what now?" He says "I don't know, get married." 

****

Vash:

I can't marry. I'm a twenty-three year old boy.

****

Wolf:

We're a generation of men raised by women. I'm wondering if another woman is really the answer we need. 

EXT. STREET. NIGHT.

Vash walks along.

****

Vash (v.o.):

It used to be when I came home angry and depressed, I'd just clean my guns or dust my one end table. I should've been looking for a new apartment. I should've been haggling with my insurance company. I should've been upset about all my nice neat flaming little shit. But I wasn't.

Vash stops, looks at a church with support group people milling around the entrance, drinking coffee. Faye is amongst them, smoking. Vash's face shows no reaction. He continues to walk.

****

Vash (v.o.):

Before Wolfwood, before Fight Club, before my apartment was rendered so much smoldering wreckage, I might have wondered if what I was feeling was the beginning of a mental breakdown. Wolfwood would just tell me that I'd started on the road to hitting bottom.

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM. DAY.

A slide show progresses, run by a chipper salesman, Walter. Vash sits, bored, with a face resembling a bruised fruit. Boss and other associates are there too.

****

Walter:

The basic premise of cyber-netting any office is to make things more efficient.

****

Vash (v.o.):

Walter. Walter with his big, cheese-eating grin and golden tan that would lead to skin cancer eventually. Walter, the kind of guy with clear skin and perfect teeth and a job that you'd bother to write the alumni association about. And maybe he's thinking about some pain-free pot luck dinner that he went to last Tuesday, or the need to stop cruel product testing on animals. But probably not. 

****

Boss:

Can I get the icon in Cornflower blue?

****

Walter:

Absolutely. Efficiency is priority number one, people. Because waste is a thief.

(indicating Vash)

I showed this already to my man here. You liked it, didn't you?

Vash smiles. His teeth are stained with blood. They glow eerily in the dim light. Everyone stares. 

****

Vash (v.o.):

You can swallow a pint of blood before you get sick.

EXT. LOU'S TAVERN. NIGHT.

Out of silent darkness, Headlights appear from all directions. Cars pull up and fill in the lot quickly. Young men get out and march into the tavern.

****

Vash (v.o.):

It was right in everyone's face. Wolfwood and I just made it visible. It was on the tip of everyone's tongue. Wolfwood and I just gave it a name.

INT. LOU'S TAVERN. SAME.

The men, Vash and Wolfwood at the lead, enter and stand against the wall, waiting. Loud rock music is playing in the background. Wolfwood motions to Doohan the bartender, an older man with short-cropped gray hair and skin resembling shoe leather.

****

Doohan:

Alright people, time to clear out! You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here!

Doohan flicks on the lights. Sober customers help their drunken friends out. They plop down money and leave sporadically.

****

Doohan:

(To someone)

Turn off the music. Lock the doors.

Doohan leads Wolfwood, Vash and the others to –

INT. TAVERN BASEMENT.

Concrete walls. One bare bulb above with Wolfwood standing directly beneath it. The guys mill about, finding partners. Everyone brims with eagerness, but tries to act cool. Chatter gets louder. Everyone spreads out, forming a circle, with Wolfwood at the center. Vash stands off to the side. 

****

Vash (v.o.):

Every week, Wolfwood gave the rules that he and I decided.

****

Wolfwood:

Gentlemen! Welcome to Fight Club.

Chatter dies. A couple of coughs, feet shuffling, then silence. During the following, we see men taking off shirts and shoes. A few take off wedding rings and put them in their pockets.

****

Wolf:

The first rule of Fight Club is – you do not talk about Fight Club. The second rule of Fight Club is – you DO NOT talk about Fight Club! Third rule of Fight Club – someone goes limp, taps out, the fight is OVER. Fourth rule – NO POOFTAHS. Fifth rule – excluding Sundays, you fight SOBER. Sixth rule – no shirts, no shoes. Seventh rule – fights will go on AS LONG as they have to. And the eighth and final rule – if this is your first night at Fight Club…you HAVE to fight.

INT. TAVERN BASEMENT. LATER.

We're in the middle of a fight between a tall guy, Shin and a shorter guy with long red hair, Kenshin.

****

Vash (v.o.):

This kid from Cowboy Bebop, Shin, couldn't even stay alive for two episodes. But Shin was a god for ten minutes when he trounced the protagonist of Rurouni Kenshin in a bare-knuckle match.

Harder, faster punches between the two fighters. Sweat flies, shouts become deafening. Shin has Kenshin in a headlock, and is pounding the kid's face with his fist.

****

Vash (v.o.):

Sometimes all you could hear were the flat, hard packing sounds of flesh over the yelling, or the wet choke when someone caught their breath to shout–

****

Kenshin:

SSStoooop!!!!…

Shin gets up off his opponent, leaving Kenshin lying on the floor as the others crowd around him to make sure he's still alive.

****

Kenshin:

Orrrooooo….

INT. BERNADELLI AGENCY. VASH'S OFFICE. DAY.

Vash sits, playing Tetris on the computer. He glances to the doorway, watches Shin, wearing a janitor's uniform and sporting some fading bruises on his face, pushing a supply cart. Shin nods at Vash.

****

Vash (v.o.):

You weren't alive anywhere like you were there. But Fight Club only existed in the hours between when Fight Club started and when Fight Club ended.

INT. RESTAURANT. DAY.

Vash, eating lunch, watches Kenshin approach, dressed in waiter's outfit.

****

Vash (v.o.):

Even if I could tell someone they had a good fight, I wouldn't be speaking to the same guy.

Kenshin refills Vash's water. The two of them briefly make eye contact. Kenshin has a bruised cheek, a black eye, and a bandaged nose.

****

Vash (v.o.):

After joining Fight Club, we all developed an identity complex. Who you were in Fight Club was not who you were in the real world.

EXT. STREET. DUSK.

Vash and Wolfwood walk, both smoking.

****

Vash:

If you could fight any anime character, who would you fight?

****

Wolfwood:

Alive or dead?

****

Vash:

Doesn't matter.

****

Wolfwood:

Akira. You?

****

Vash:

Spiegel. I'd fight Spike Spiegel.

They reach a bus stop as a bus arrives. Tossing their cigarettes, they get onboard.

INT. LOU'S TAVERN. BASEMENT. SAME NIGHT.

A scream. Wolfwood hits the floor, stomach first. His opponent, Midvalley, a guy with long, dark hair and a slender build lands on top of him. The surrounding crowd, Vash included, screams at them.

Wolfwood and his opponent wrestle desperately. Wolfwood flips his attacker, sprawling to pin him. Wolfwood lashes out with punches to Midvalley's groin.

Cut to:

Vash lands a couple of blows on his opponent's stomach, a shorter, powerfully built man named E.G. Mine. Vash brings up a left uppercut into Mine's jaw. Spatters of blood adorn the walls, along with sweat. Vash catches sight of an appreciative Wolfwood off to the side, drinking beer and smoking.

****

Vash (v.o.):

Fight Club wasn't about winning. It wasn't about words.

Mine recovers, throws a headlock around Vash, who snakes his arm into a counter headlock. They wrestle like wild animals. The crowd cheers maniacally.

****

Vash (v.o.):

The hysterical shouting was in tongues. Like at a Pentecostal church.

Onlookers kneel to stay with the fight, cheering louder. Mine smashes Vash's face into the floor, over and over.

****

Mine:

Is that it?

****

Vash:

Stop! Stop!

****

Vash (v.o.):

When the fight was over, nothing was solved, but nothing else mattered.

Everyone moves in as Mine steps away. Wolfwood pushes through the crowd. They turn their attention to the floor, a blood mask of Vash's face –similar to the tear mask on Gren's shirt from before.

****

Wolf:

Hey. Cool.

****

Vash (v.o.):

Afterwards, we all felt saved.

Vash limply shakes his opponent's hand.

****

Mine:

Hey, how about next week?

****

Vash:

How about next month?

****

Wolf:

(talking to the crowd)

Doohan, you're in the middle. New guy, you too.

INT. HOSPITAL EMERGENCY ROOM. NIGHT.

A nurse tends to Vash while Wolfwood watches.

****

Vash (v.o.):

Sometimes, Wolfwood spoke for me.

****

Wolf:

He got trampled by a Thomas.

****

Vash:

I got trampled by a Thomas.

INT. PAPER STREET HOUSE. BATHROOM. MORNING.

Vash brushes his teeth, Wolfwood cuts his nails.

****

Vash (v.o.):

After Fight Club, daily grooming took on more importance than before. Keeping your hair short or your cuticles trimmed back was the difference between slamming your opponent's head into the concrete and having him grab you by your long, stringy locks and do the same to you. Don't even get me started on piercings.

****

Wolf:

If you could fight any historical figure who'd you fight?

****

Vash:

Roosevelt.

****

Wolf:

The cripple or the boxer?

****

Vash:

(considers)

…the cripple.

****

Wolf:

Good answer.

****

Vash:

And you?

****

Wolf:

Rommel.

****

Vash:

The Desert Fox? Why?

****

Wolf:

Goering was too fat, Himmler was a pencil-neck, and Hitler's too obvious a choice.

Vash wiggles a tooth, he's able to yank the entire thing out. He looks at it.

****

Vash:

Shit.

****

Wolf:

Hey, even the Mona Lisa's falling apart.

Vash drops it down the drain.

INT. PAPER STREET HOUSE. AFTERNOON.

The phone rings. Vash goes to answer it. In the background, we see Wolfwood doing Tai Chi and making strange noises.

****

Vash:

Y'ello?

****

Faye (v.o.):

Where have you been these past eight weeks?

****

Vash:

Faye?

Cut to:

INT. FAYE'S APARTMENT. SAME.

Extreme close-up. Faye lying on bed, wrapped in phone cord.

****

Faye:

Hi.

Cut back to:

INT. PAPER STREET HOUSE. SAME.

****

Wolf:

HAI!

Vash looks back through the archway as Wolfwood strikes and holds a stance.

****

Vash:

(quietly)

How'd you find me?

Cut to:

INT. FAYE'S APARTMENT.

****

Faye:

You left a forwarding number. I haven't seen you at any support groups.

****

Vash:

Well, that's because we split them up, remember?

Cut back to:

INT. PAPER STREET HOUSE.

****

Faye:

I know, but you haven't been attending yours.

****

Vash:

And how would you know?

Cut to:

INT. FAYE'S APARTMENT.

****

Faye:

(smiling)

I cheated.

****

Vash:

(not surprised)

Well, I found a new one.

Faye sits up in bed.

****

Faye:

Really?

Cut back to:

INT. PAPER STREET HOUSE.

****

Vash:

Sadly, it's for men only.

Cut to:

INT. FAYE'S APARTMENT.

****

Faye:

What? Like the testicle thing?

Cut back to:

INT. PAPER STREET HOUSE.

****

Wolf:

HOO-RAH!

****

Vash:

Look, this is a bad time, I'm just on my way out –

Cut to:

INT. FAYE'S APARTMENT.

Faye lies on the bed again.

****

Faye:

So am I. Got a whole bottle of Xanex in my system. In retrospect, I guess it wasn't such a hot move.

Cut back to:

INT. PAPER STREET HOUSE.

Vash stops cold, looks at camera. He catches the phone as it slips from his grip.

****

Vash (v.o.):

And here I thought Fight Club had beaten all emotion out of me.

****

Vash:

Come again?

Cut to:

INT. FAYE'S APARTMENT.

****

Faye:

Oh, I'd go to the hospital and everything, but putting on shoes requires effort and sedatives sort of take that out of you.

****

Vash:

(flustered)

How long ago was this?

****

Faye:

(smiling)

Is that concern I hear in your voice?

Cut back to:

INT. PAPER STREET HOUSE.

Vash is shuffling through papers in the table drawer beneath the phone.

****

Vash:

Your address is still on the card you gave me, right?

****

Faye:

Look, this isn't a for-real-suicide-thing, it's more of a cry-for-help-thing.

Vash pulls a white card out of the drawer, moving to leave.

****

Vash:

Just stay where you are!

****

Faye:

Don't you want to hear me describe death? Do you want to see if my spirit can use a phone?

****

Vash:

Try not to move around too much, I'm coming over!

Vash puts down the phone on the table and runs out of the room.

INT. PAPER STREET HOUSE. LIVING ROOM. SAME.

Vash runs into the room to find Wolfwood dangling backwards over the couch wearing an ice pack on his face.

****

Wolf:

Problems, Cisco?

****

Vash:

(Hysterical)

Faye-…drugged-….You- I go…You-…keep occupied.

Wolfwood doesn't move. 

****

Wolf:

Ja woll.

Vash bolts out of the room.

EXT. PAPER STREET HOUSE. SAME.

Vash comes running out of the house and down the road, fumbling with a map.

****

Vash (v.o.):

Now why would I, of all people, think that it'd be a bad thing for Faye Valentine to die?

Cut to:

INT. PAPER STREET HOUSE. SAME.

Wolfwood is eating Captain Crunch out of the box, he walks to the phone and picks up the discarded receiver.

****

Faye (v.o.):

(singing)

…sing the death song kids, cause we've got no future-

****

Wolf:

Hey.

****

Faye (v.o.):

-and we wanna be… Do I know you?…

Cut back to:

EXT. ROAD INTO TOWN. SAME.

Vash plods along, panting. He's looking from the town map to the address and back.

****

Vash:

Take a right when I reach Main. Take another right at Hill. And follow that towards Luton street to…

Cut to:

INT. PAPER STREET HOUSE. SAME.

****

Wolf:

So you're staying in tonight?

****

Faye:

Death by OD seems like the perfect way to start the weekend.

****

Wolf:

How about dinner and a movie?

****

Faye:

Too traditional.

****

Wolf:

Coffee and mindless banter?

****

Faye:

Try again.

****

Wolf:

Want to fuck?

****

Faye:

Your place or mine?

****

Wolf:

I'll be over in 15.

Cut back to:

EXT. TOWN. STREET.

Vash runs down the street, looking at signs and the map he's holding, bumping into people every so often.

****

Vash:

And she's at Shady Sands apartments-

Cut to:

INT. PAPER STREET HOUSE..

Wolfwood putting on his coat as he listens to receiver.

****

Faye (v.o.):

-third floor-

Cut back to:

EXT. TOWN. STREET.

****

Vash:

-second floor, room 211.

Cut to:

INT. PAPER STREET HOUSE.

****

Faye (v.o.):

-room 311.

With the phone cord stretched to the doorway, Wolfwood listens to the last bit of info and lets go, darting out of the room and letting the receiver hit the wall.

INT. SHADY SANDS APARTMENTS. 2ND FLOOR – LATER.

Vash stands outside room 211. Pounding on the door.

****

Vash:

Faye!

INT. SHADY SANDS APARTMENTS. 3RD FLOOR.

Wolfwood walks down the hallway, smoking, looking at the dilapidated wallpaper. He finds Faye's room, stubs out his cigarette and knocks.

Faye, eyes glazed, leans out the doorway. Looks Wolfwood up and down, grabs him by the collar and drags him inside.

INT. FAYE'S APARTMENT. SAME.

Faye leads Wolfwood towards the bed.

****

Faye:

You got here fast!…Did I call you? Hm.

She tries to sit on the bed. She slides off, along with the blanket and sheets. Wolfwood laughs.

****

Faye:

The bed is sealed in slippery-soft plastic. For your protection.

Wolfwood looks around the room. His gaze falls on a dildo atop the dresser to his right.

****

Faye:

Oh, don't worry, it's not a threat to you.

Sirens and vehicles screeching can be heard. Doors opening and slamming. Footfalls outside.

****

Faye:

Oh Fuck, somebody called the cops…

Wolfwood drags her to her feet.

INT. HALLWAY. SAME

They come out of her room. Faye looks at her keys, trying to discern which one is for her door. Wolfwood reaches in and locks it from the other side. He grabs Faye as she starts to walk towards the stairwell, where the paramedics are coming up. Wolfwood spins her around to face the wall. Trying to play the innocent bystander, he starts doing a little dance. Faye, still drugged, manages to just sway in place, giggling.

****

Paramedic #1:

Hey, where's 311?

****

Faye:

(innocent voice, pointing)

End of the hall.

As the paramedics and an oddly familiar man with spiky yellow hair rush past, Wolfwood leads Faye to the stairwell.

****

Faye:

(Calling after them)

The girl who lived there has lost all faith in herself!

The paramedics reach the door, pounding on it.

****

Paramedic #1:

Miss Valentine! Open up!

****

Faye:

She's infectious human waste! Good luck trying to save HER!

****

Paramedic #1:

You have every right to live!

Wolfwood drags her down the stairs.

INT. SHADY SANDS. 2ND FLOOR. EARLIER.

Same shot as when we left Vash. He sits dejectedly against the door.

Sirens. Vash looks to the stairwell to see paramedics rushing up to the third floor.

****

Paramedic #2:

Where is she?

****

Paramedic #1:

(Looking at housing list)

…Valentine…Third floor, room 311.

Vash sits, perplexed. Looks at the paper with Faye's address a second before crumpling it up, throwing it over his shoulder, and rushing after the medics.

INT. SHADY SANDS APARTMENTS. THIRD FLOOR.

Vash runs up the stairs and down the hall. At the end, paramedics are hammering on the door. Vash notices a couple dancing off to the side as he passes by. He continues on.

Both Wolfwood and Faye don't see Vash in running to the stairs. Wolfwood because his back is turned and Faye because she's too drugged to know otherwise. 

****

Paramedic #1:

(To door) 

Miss Valentine, only you can help yourself and you can start by OPENING THE FUCKING DOOR!!!

****

Paramedic #2:

(Admonishing)

Dude!

****

Paramedic #1:

-sorry, sorry.

****

Vash:

I know her, let me try.

They pay him no mind. Vash yells at the door-

****

Vash:

Faye? You want to talk? We could go back to my place and chill with Wolfwood. You want to do that? You might like him, he's….uh….right up your alley.

Silence.

Paramedic #3 up till now has been standing off to the side, holding the medical bag. She steps forward-

****

Paramedic #3:

Oh, for Christ's sake-

-and kicks in the door, shouting-

-UP AND AT 'EM, BITCH!!

The group barges into the room. The hallway is now empty. A beat. Then-

****

Paramedic #1:

Wait a minute…

EXT. ROAD. DUSK.

Faye rides Wolfwood piggyback, while they walk down the road.

INT. PAPER STREET HOUSE. KITCHEN. NIGHT.

Wolfwood is making coffee. Faye is sitting on the floor, propped against the refrigerator.

****

Faye:

If I fall asleep, I'm done for. You're gonna have to keep me up….all night.

EXT. ROAD. EVENING.

Vash walks home, shoulders slumped, and looking pissed.

****

Vash (v.o.): 

If you asked me now, I couldn't tell you why I'd gone running after the Faye. It's not that I had a thing for her; but I wasn't about to stand by while she killed herself with sedatives. Her interest in me (if she even had one) was strictly on a predator/prey basis. Like a stalker's obsession with their victim before they break into that person's house, reducing the occupant to a truncated body wrapped in duct tape with the hands stapled to its chest by morning's light. I could only wonder where she'd gotten to in half an hour with a bottle of Xanex in her system. And why was I even concerned in the first place?

It begins to rain. Vash sighs, nonplused.

****

Vash (v.o.):

I am Vash's convoluted affection. 

INT. PAPER STREET HOUSE. NIGHT.

Vash walks in the doorway, drenched, trailing wet footprints.

****

Vash (v.o.):

I contemplated pulling a Bond and sneaking in through one of the side windows just to avoid talking to Wolfwood. At midnight with nothing but soaking underwear to show for my six hours of running around, I didn't feel like hearing how he'd been putting the moves on Faye over the phone the whole time I was gone. 

INT. PAPER STREET HOUSE. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY. SAME.

Vash walks down the hallway to his bedroom

****

Vash (v.o.):

His door was closed. Knowing Wolfwood, he'd probably managed to smooth-talk her into phone sex even while she was on the verge of losing consciousness. If so, that would explain why he'd turned in early. Masturbation can take a lot out of person.

INT. PAPER STREET HOUSE. VASH'S ROOM. SAME

Vash walks in, collapses on the bed.

****

Vash (v.o.):

Speaking of losing consciousness…

He pulls the single faded white blanket over himself. Dropping off almost immediately.

INT. VASH'S DREAM. BEDROOM.

Grunts of pleasure and exertion. Glimpses of Torsos, asses, tits, legs, arms, and female hair, all drenched in sweat. Insane grunting and laughing. A flash of Faye's face.

Cut to:

INT. VASH'S BEDROOM. MORNING.

Vash sits upright in bed. Looks around the room.

INT. HALLWAY. SAME.

Vash notices the neighboring door is closed.

****

Vash (v.o.):

It was noon and Wolfwood's door was closed. I'd been living here for about two months and Wolfwood was always up by ten at the latest.

INT. BATHROOM. SAME.

Vash enters and stops. Staring into the toilet. He can't help but notice four used condoms floating inside.

INT. KITCHEN. SAME.

Vash sits, eating cereal. He hears footsteps approaching.

****

Vash:

You won't believe the dream I had last night.

Faye walks in, looking like she was raped by an overzealous howler monkey. One breast hangs out, unabashedly. Vash looks like someone just shot him in the chest.

****

Faye:

I can hardly believe anything about last night.

Faye goes to get coffee. She drinks and gargles, giving Vash a wink.

****

Vash:

What are you doing here?

****

Faye:

What?

****

Vash:

I live here, what are you doing in my house?

Faye stares at him a second, drops the cup in the sink and storms out of the kitchen.

****

Faye:

Fuck you.

Faye comes back in, pausing to pull up her blouse, put on her coat and glare at Vash.

****

Vash:

Could you at least tell me how you got in here?

****

Faye:

Go to hell!

She exits, slamming the back door behind her. Vash sits, confused.

Wolfwood enters, laughing.

****

Wolf:

Ha-Haaaa! Man, you got some fucked up friends!

Wolfwood is wearing a grimy flannel robe. He stares after Faye, scratching himself. He grins at Vash and starts to pour coffee.

****

Wolf:

But limber though. Like a fucking gymnast. You'll never guess what happened after you left.

****

Vash (v.o.):

Like you, I already knew the story before he told it to me. It just took this long for it all to come together.

****

Wolf:

Un-be-lievable!

****

Vash (v.o.):

Phone sex between the two of them I could handle. At least then she wouldn't be in the house.

****

Wolf:

You know what I mean man, you've fucked her.

****

Vash:

No, I didn't.

****

Wolf:

Never?

Vash:

No.

Wolf:

You're not into her are you?

****

Vash:

No! God, no!

****

Vash (v.o.):

I am Vash's raging bile duct.

****

Wolf:

Good. Because she's a predator posing as a house pet. So keep your distance. I mean, the shit that came out of this woman's mouth I've never heard!

INT. FLASHBACK. WOLFWOOD'S BEDROOM. NIGHT.

Faye and Wolfwood lie next to each other on the bed, panting. Wolfwood lights up.

****

Faye:

I want to have your abortion.

INT. KITCHEN. MORNING – RESUMING.

****

Wolf:

(shudders)

Gaaah!

Wolfwood goes to the fridge. Vash goes back to eating his cereal, eyes boring a hole into the back of Wolfwood's head.

****

Vash (v.o.):

How could Wolfwood NOT go for that? The night before last he was splicing scenes of anal sex into "Harry Potter".

****

Vash:

Faye doesn't need a lover, she needs a fucking case worker.

****

Wolf:

She needs a companion in her destitution and she's into sport fucking.

****

Vash:

Why the hell didn't you tell me you'd brought her home last night?

****

Wolf:

You got in late. We thought you'd finally lost it and ran off. Tell the truth, I was happy for you, man. Here I was thinking you'd finally hit bottom.

****

Vash:

Hit….what? Look just keep her out of here alright?

****

Wolf:

(Gives a dismissive wave)

No can do. Now listen, I can't have you talking to her about me –

****

Vash:

Why would I-

****

Wolf:

You say anything about me, or what goes on in this house to her – or anybody – and we're done. Now promise** me.**

Vash:

Ok.

****

Wolf:

You promise?

****

Vash:

Yeah, I promise.

****

Wolf:

Promise?

****

Vash:

I just said I promised! Wh-

****

Wolf:

Now that was three times you promised. Don't forget.

Vash sits, smoldering.

****

Vash (v.o.):

If only I'd let that stupid bitch talk herself to death, none of this would have happened.

****

Wolf:

So you're alright with her coming over from now on?

****

Vash:

Fine.

****

Vash (v.o.):

I am Vash's grinding teeth.

****

Wolf:

This isn't a problem?

****

Vash:

Not at all.

****

Vash (v.o.):

I am Vash's restrained homicidal urges.

****

Wolf:

Good.

****

Vash:

Great.

****

Vash (v.o.):

Put a gun to my head and paint the wall with my brains.


	6. Chemical Burn/Middle Children of History

Author's Note: New Chapter. Oh happy day! Not much to say, other than reiterate the fact that there is some OOC ness and a touch of AU to this story (if it isn't obvious already). Also, my utmost thanks to Aozame Yokujin for playing the part of muse during my impasses in writing this thing. :) 

Disclaimer: I don't own Fight Club, Trigun, or any of the anime properties mentioned in here. So back off with any and all claims of copyright infringement.

INT. PAPER STREET HOUSE. NIGHT.

Vash lies in bed, reading "Arms and Ammo" magazine. Muffled sounds of sex come from beyond the wall.

****

Faye:

Oh, do it baby! Come on! Yes, yes, YES!! OH FUCK, YES!

INT. PAPER STREET HOUSE. BASEMENT. 

The whole basement is flooded. Vash fiddles with the circuit breakers. Sparks fly.

****

Vash (v.o.):

I could've moved to a room on the third floor, where I wouldn't have heard them. But I didn't.

INT. PAPER STREET HOUSE. 2ND FLOOR HALLWAY.

Vash walks by Wolfwood's room on his way to his own. The door is ajar enough that we can see in. Through the crack we discern flailing limbs and tossing sheets. We hear them both as they orgasm.

****

Faye:

Ah! Oh God! Oh OH OH AAA!

****

Wolf:

Fuck! Ow, OW!

Vash, wondering what exactly they're doing in there, peeks in the crack-

Wolfwood opens the door, his chest covered in crosses drawn with what appears to be chocolate pudding. He is completely naked save for the aviator goggles he was wearing earlier.

****

Wolf:

What are you doing?

****

Vash:

Just going to bed.

Peering around Wolfwood, Vash sees Faye hanging from a large white cross propped against the wall. As he watches, she falls off with a crash.

****

Faye:

Whoops.

****

Wolf:

You wanna finish her off?

****

Vash:

Um…no thanks.

****

Faye:

I found some cigarettes.

Vash turns and leaves.

****

Wolf:

Where were we?

****

Faye:

Who were you talking to?

****

Wolf:

Shut up.

Wolfwood closes the door.

INT. PAPER STREET HOUSE. BATHROOM.

Vash stands brushing his teeth, frenetically. Not too far off, we hear Wolfwood and Faye still screwing.

****

Vash (v.o.):

I became the calm little light of the world. I was the Zen master.

INT. BERNADELLI AGENCY. VASH'S OFFICE. DAY.

Close up of computer monitor. We see Haiku being typed in neat letters:

Small gentle flower

Is it hard to be pretty?

So much expected

****

Vash (v.o.):

Until today, it pissed me off that I'd become this totally centered ZEN master and nobody seemed to notice. So I educated them. I wrote little haiku things and faxed them around to everyone.

Vash sits at his desk, typing and smoking. Not only are his clothes unkempt and stained with blood, but his eyes are blood-shot and he hasn't shaved. All in all, he looks like shit. His boss spots him and walks over.

****

Vash (v.o.):

When I pass people in the hall at work, I get all ZEN right in everyone's hostile little face.

****

Meryl:

Is that YOUR blood?

****

Vash:

(indifferently)

Some of it, yeah.

Meryl just stares at Vash with a mixture of disbelief and contempt. 

****

Meryl:

You can't smoke in here.

Vash stares right back, coughs. He resumes typing, trying his best to ignore her.

****

Meryl:

Take the day off. Come back Monday with some clean clothes. And get your act together.

INT. BERNADELLI AGENCY. HALLWAY.

Vash walks out, his face passive. He ignores the odd stares from fellow co-workers, not even noticing when he bumps into people. 

****

Vash (v.o.):

On the way out, I say HELLO to everyone at work. HELLO, I say. Look at me. The Zen master. I am so ZEN. Yes, these are bruises from fighting. Yes, this is blood. This is NOTHING. Blood is NOTHING. Everything is NOTHING and it's so cool to be enlightened. Like me.

EXT. PAPER STREET HOUSE. SUNSET.

Vash walks up the porch and opens the door.

****

Vash (v.o.):

Try giving up the single life and all of your worldly possessions and going to live in a dilapidated house at the ass-end of town-

INT. PAPER STREET HOUSE. ENTRANCE.

Vash walks in, stops. Looks up to see the chandelier rocking back and forth on the ceiling. Sounds of loud, energetic sex coming from upstairs.

****

Vash (v.o.):

-and you have to come home to THIS.

INT. PAPER STREET HOUSE. LIVING ROOM. EVENING.

Vash is doing sit-ups. Faye walks towards the stairs, burning the underside of her arm with the end of her cigarette.

****

Faye:

I embrace my own festering, diseased corruption. Burn, witch, burn.

Vash stares as she disappears upstairs. He resumes his exercise. Moments later, sounds of wild sex are again heard from upstairs. Plaster rains down from the ceiling.

****

Vash (v.o.):

Wolfwood told me not to call this "love". I had no problem with that. After all, most people don't refer to their girlfriends during sex as "human butt wipe".

INT. PAPER STREET HOUSE. KITCHEN. MORNING.

Vash is scrubbing the blood out of his shirt with a toothbrush. Faye and Wolfwood are still at it upstairs. The phone rings. Vash goes to answer it. As he does, the sounds from upstairs stop.

****

Vash:

Hello?

Intercut with:

INT. MARSHALL'S OFFICE. SAME.

Agent Stern stares at a file in his hand.

****

Agent Stern:

Yes, this is Agent Stern with the arson unit. We have some new information regarding the "incident" at your apartment.

****

Vash:

Yes?

****

Stern:

Well it seems that prior to the explosion, someone sprayed freon into your front door lock, then tapped it with some sort of chisel to shatter the bolt.

****

Vash:

Um, no I wasn't aware of that.

****

Vash (v.o.):

I am Vash's sense of foreboding.

****

Stern:

The dynamite…

****

Vash:

Dynamite?!

****

Stern:

…left a residue of ammonium oxalate and potassium per chlorate. You know what this means?

Vash is growing increasingly uneasy.

****

Vash:

Um…no I don't.

****

Stern:

It means it was homemade. See whomever made this could have blown out your fridge's pilot light days before the actual explosion. The gas was just a detonator.

****

Vash (v.o.):

I am Vash's cold sweat.

****

Vash:

Who would have done such a thing?

****

Stern:

I'll ask the questions.

****

Wolf:

(whispering in Vash's ear)

Tell him.

Vash nearly screams. He turns around to find Wolfwood standing right behind him.

****

Wolf:

Tell him that disaster is a natural part of my evolution toward tragedy and dissolution.

****

Stern:

Excuse me, are you there?

****

Vash:

Yes, I'm listening. It's just hard to know what to make of all this.

****

Stern:

Have you recently made enemies with anyone who might know about explosives?

****

Vash:

Enemies?

****

Wolf:

In breaking my attachment to physical possessions, I discover the greater power of my spirit through the destruction of myself!

Vash covers the receiver with his hand, shushing Wolfwood.

****

Stern:

Son, this is serious.

****

Vash:

I know it's serious.

****

Stern:

I mean that.

****

Vash:

Yes, I know. Look, that apartment was my life. I loved every stick of furniture in that place. The lamp, the refrigerator, the bed, the carpet square, everything. That wasn't just a bunch of stuff that got destroyed, it was ME!

****

Vash (v.o.):

I'd like to thank the academy.

****

Wolf:

Bravo.

****

Stern:

I may have to talk to you a little further. Is this phone number one where I can easily reach you?

****

Vash:

Um…yes. Wait…are you saying I'm a suspect?

****

Stern:

No, not at all. Just don't leave town is all. Goodbye.

****

Vash:

Okay…goodbye.

Vash hangs up. Turns to Wolfwood to chew him out, but sees he's gone. Vash resumes scrubbing his shirt, albeit more harshly.

Faye enters, lights a cigarette.

****

Vash (v.o.):

Except for their screwing, Faye and Wolfwood were never in the same room.

****

Faye:

The condom is the glass slipper of our generation. You put one on when you meet a stranger, you…dance all night. And come morning, you throw it away. The condom, I mean, not the stranger.

Vash rolls his eyes. Faye moves toward Vash.

****

Faye:

I got this dress for one double dollar at a thrift store.

****

Vash:

It was worth every penny.

****

Faye:

It's a bridesmaid's dress. Someone loved it intensely for one day, and then got rid of it.

Faye pushes up against Vash. She slowly moves her fingers down his back and around his sides, eventually coming to rest on his stomach. Vash is feeling particularly uncomfortable right now. Resting her chin on his shoulder, Faye whispers into his ear seductively.

****

Faye:

Like a sex crime victim bound in electrical tape. Underwear inside out, skin still warm with the passion of their assailant. A heat of the moment kind of thing, if you will.

Vash has stopped scrubbing. He gulps and tries to feign indifference.

****

Vash:

Then it suits you.

Faye slowly moves her hands down to his zipper.

****

Faye:

You could try it on sometime.

Vash exclaims and pushes Faye off of him. He turns to her.

****

Vash:

(Flustered)

Look-…do you even have a purpose here?

****

Faye:

(Glaring at him)

Apparently not.

Faye storms out of the room as Wolfwood enters, reading a porno, from the opposite side of the room.

****

Wolf:

Get rid of her.

****

Vash:

What? Hey, you get rid of her!

****

Wolf:

Don't mention me.

Wolfwood continues through the room without pausing. As he exits, Faye enters, rooting through her purse.

****

Vash:

Y'know, I think its time you got out of here.

****

Faye:

Don't worry. I'm leaving.

****

Vash:

Not that we don't love your little visits.

Faye pulls a cigarette from her purse and point with it at Vash.

****

Faye:

You are such a fucking head case, I don't even know where to begin.

She exits, singing Tool's "Stinkfist". 

****

Faye:

"…Finger-deep within the border line…

…Show me that you love me and that we belong together…"

****

Vash:

Ok, yeah, thanks, goodbye.

****

Faye:

(fading)

"…Relax. Turn around and take my hand…"

Vash watches her leave. Wolfwood enters. Walks toward Vash, chuckling.

****

Wolf:

Oh, you kids.

****

Vash:

Why are you still wasting time with that, that THING?

****

Wolf:

I'll say this about Faye, at least she's trying to hit bottom.

****

Vash:

(Defensive)

Oh, and I'm not?

****

Wolf:

Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken.

****

Vash:

So why did you tell her to get lost?

****

Wolf:

Cause we've got work to do.

****

Vash:

Come again?

****

Wolf:

Tonight, we're making soap.

****

Vash:

(Amused)

Really? And how do we go about that?

****

Wolf:

First we'll need to render fat.

****

Vash:

Do we even HAVE fat to render?

****

Wolf:

Not yet…

EXT. BACK OF RESTAURANT. NIGHT.

Vash and Wolfwood approach two large trash dumpsters behind the building. Wolfwood puts on rubber gloves as Vash surveys the area.

****

Wolf:

See, the salt balance has to be just right, so most of your large domesticates including Thomases and Rontos have the necessary amounts AND composition of enzymes to produce the best fat for soap making.

****

Vash:

Where are we any way?

****

Wolf:

Big Al's Meat Buffet.

Wolfwood jumps into the trash bin, pulling out a lumpy bag full of dark grease and excess fat.

****

Wolf:

Pay dirt! Richest fat in the land!

Wolfwood hands the bags to Vash, who looks rather disgusted at having to hold animal waste, but takes them nonetheless.

As Wolfwood sorts through the bin, a kid with blonde hair comes out carrying two trash bags. It's obvious he's an employee from his goofy hat and apron. He stands, perplexed for a second.

****

Zazie:

Excuse me? Sir? 

****

Wolf:

(From inside the dumpster)

Fuck off.

****

Zazie:

Sir, any refuse in there is property of Big Al's and-

****

Wolf:

(Popping out of dumpster)

Hey, kid.

****

Zazie:

What?

Wolfwood tosses an open bag of fat at him, covering the employee in grease and other unpleasant excretions. 

****

Wolf:

Fuck off.

Wolfwood ducks back into the dumpster.

****

Zazie:

(Drops bags, looks at camera)

I don't care if this is a cameo, they're not paying me enough for this shit.

The employee turns and walks back inside. Vash kicks open one of the bags he dropped. He picks up a small bag of grease adding it to the growing pile in his arms.

INT. PAPER STREET HOUSE. KITCHEN. NIGHT.

Vash and Wolfwood each stir a boiling pot.

****

Wolf:

As the fat renders, the tallow floats to the surface. Once the tallow hardens, we skim off the layer of glycerin. If you were then to add nitric acid to this mixture, you'd have nitroglycerin. If you were so inclined, you could also add sodium nitrate and a dash of sawdust. Then you've got dynamite.

****

Vash (v.o.):

Wolfwood was just full of useful information.

****

Wolf:

Now, ancient peoples of Earth found that their clothes got cleaner when they washed them at a certain part of the river. You know why?

****

Vash:

Why?

****

Wolf:

Because human sacrifices were once made on the hills above this river. Bodies would burn. Water would then seep through the wood and ashes to create lye.

Wolfwood grabs a can from the table.

****

Wolf:

This is lye – the crucial ingredient. The lye would combine with the melted fat of the bodies, creating a thick, white soapy discharge that would then seep into the river. May I see your hand, please?

Wolfwood licks his lips. He takes Vash's right hand and kisses the back of it.

****

Vash:

What is this?

Wolfwood pours the lye on Vash's hand.

****

Wolf:

This is a chemical burn.

Vash screams as the lye reacts to the moisture in Wolfwood's kiss. Vash twists and jerks. Wolfwood holds tight.

****

Wolf:

It will hurt worse than you've ever been burned and you will have a scar.

The lye on Vash's hand is now a bubbling white foam in the shape of a kiss.

****

Vash (v.o.):

If guided mediation worked for cancer, it can work for this.

VASH'S IMAGINATION: A SHOT OF A SERENE DESERT PLAIN. VASH SITS CROSSLEGGED, MEDITATING.

RESUME.

****

Wolf:

Don't shut this out. Stay with the pain.

****

Vash:

WHAT?!

****

Wolf:

The first soap was made from the ashes of heroes. Like the first monkeys shot into space. Without pain, without sacrifice, we would have nothing.

****

Vash (v.o.):

I tried not to think of the words "searing" or "flesh".

VASH'S IMAGINATION: VASH SITS EATING PUDDING IN A GROVE OF TREES.

RESUME:

Vash snaps out of it. Tries to jerk away again. Wolfwood grabs Vash's other hand to get his attention.

****

Wolf:

Stop it! This is your pain! This is your burning hand! It's right here! Now LOOK AT IT!!

****

Vash:

No, I'm going into my cave! I'm gonna find my power animal!

VASH'S IMAGINATION: VASH RUNS INTO HIS CAVE. FAYE IS LYING IN THE MIDDLE, WRAPPED IN A FUR COAT.

RESUME:

Wolfwood slaps his hands to get his attention.

****

Wolf:

NO! Don't deal with it the way those dead people do! 

****

Vash:

Okay! Okay! I get the point! PLEASE!

****

Wolf:

No, what you're feeling is premature enlightenment.

VASH'S IMAGINATION: FAYE SITS UP. SHE'S COMPLETELY NAKED. SHE LOOKS AT VASH SEDUCTIVELY, LICKING HER LIPS.

RESUME:

Wolfwood slaps Vash across the face.

****

Wolf:

DAMNITT! This is the greatest moment of your life and your somewhere else missing it!

****

Vash:

(whimpering)

It….hurts…

****

Wolf:

SHUT. UP. Our fathers were our role models for God. If our fathers failed us, what does that tell you about God?

****

Vash:

I never HAD a father, what are you talking about?

VASH'S IMAGINATION: VASH WALKS TOWARDS FAYE AND KNEELS DOWN. SHE GRABS HIM BY THE COLLAR. THEY KISS AS FAYE BRINGS ONE OF HIS HANDS UP TO CUP HER BREAST.

RESUME.

Wolfwood slaps Vash again.

****

Wolf:

Listen to me. You have to consider the possibility that God does not like you. He never wanted you. In all probability, he HATES you. This is not the worst thing that can happen…

****

Vash:

It isn't?

****

Wolf:

We don't NEED Him.

****

Vash:

We don't?

****

Wolf:

Fuck God.

****

Vash:

Fuck GOD!?

****

Wolf:

Fuck damnation, fuck redemption; if we are God's unwanted children, SO BE IT!!!

Vash squirms toward the sink. Wolfwood holds him.

****

Wolf:

Now look, you can run water over your hand and make the burn worse or, OR – Look at me!….Or you can use vinegar to neutralize the lye.

****

Vash:

Let me have some, PLEASE!

****

Wolf:

But first, you have to give up. First you have to know, not fear, but know that someday you will die. Until you know that, you are useless.

****

Vash:

(Crying)

Please…stop….you don't know what this feels like…

Wolfwood turns his right hand so that Vash can see a kiss-shaped burn on the back of his hand. Vash stops sobbing long enough to take it in.

****

Wolf:

(Quietly)

It's only after you've lost everything that you're free to do anything.

****

Vash:

Okay…give to me…

Wolfwood grabs a bottle of vinegar, pours it over Vash's hand. Vash slumps to the floor, clutching his wounded appendage.

****

Wolf:

Congratulations. You're one step closer to hitting bottom.

INT. HOTEL. FRONT DESK. DAY.

Wolfwood waits as a clerk fills out forms. On the counter are individually wrapped bars of pink soap. Vash looks around warily. His right hand is bandaged.

****

Vash (v.o.):

Wolfwood and I sold the soap we made to local hotels at twenty double dollars a bar.

****

Clerk:

I just want to say, this is the BEST soap.

****

Wolf:

Why, thank you.

****

Vash (v.o.):

All this money from animal waste. If only I'd known Wolfwood earlier.

INT. BERNADELLI AGENCY. VASH'S OFFICE. DAY.

Vash sits, zoning. His boss walks in, holding a sheet of paper.

****

Vash (v.o.):

More than anything else, work had become a way to kill time during the day. That, and it meant that my existence would be Faye-free for at least a few hours. 

****

Meryl:

(reading from paper)

"The first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club."

Vash snaps awake.

****

Vash (v.o.):

Half asleep, I must have left the original in the copy machine.

****

Meryl:

"The second rule of Fight Club"- Is this yours?

****

Vash:

Um…

****

Meryl:

You're paid for your full attention to this company. Not to waste time playing little war games or abusing the copy machine.

****

Vash:

Abusing the copy machine? There's an image…

****

Meryl:

(Icily)

Don't get smart with me. What do you think I should do with an employee who spends his office hours in some little fantasy world? Make a managerial decision. What would you do?

Silence as Vash considers. Then-

****

Vash:

Well, to be honest….I'd be careful who I talked to about this. Because the person who wrote that…is dangerous.

Vash rises slowly.

****

Vash:

And this buttoned down schizophrenic could probably go over the edge at any moment in the working day and stalk from office to office with an Armalite Ar-180 carbine gas-powered semi-automatic.

Meryl stares. She backs up as Vash moves toward her.

****

Vash:

This guy is probably at home every night with a little rattail file, filing a cross into the tip of every one of his rounds. This way, when he shows up to work one morning and pumps a round into his nagging, ineffectual, candy-ass boss, that one round will split along the filed grooves and spread open the way a dumdum bullet flowers inside you to blow a bushel load of your stinking guts out through your spine in a slow motion explosion of sausage-casing small intestine.

Meryl is backed up against the wall now. Vash looming over her.

****

Vash:

Go ahead, read some more. No really, it sounds fascinating. The work of a totally diseased mind. It's scary, actually. This sick fuck is probably somebody you've known for years. Maybe someone who knows all about you. Like where you live, where your husband works, and where your kids go to school.

Vash snatches the paper out of Meryl's hand, startling her.

****

Vash:

Or maybe you shouldn't be bringing me every little piece of trash you pick up.

Vash crumples the paper into a ball and tosses it into the trash. The phone rings. Vash walks back to his desk to answer it. Meryl doesn't so much as twitch.

****

Vash:

(Cheerfully)

Compliance and Liability, how may I help you?

Intercut with:

INT. FAYE'S APARTMENT. SAME.

Faye sits on the bed.

****

Faye:

My tits are going to rot off.

****

Vash:

(To his boss)

Could you excuse me? This is a personal call.

Meryl responds by easing her way out of his office, never taking her eyes off him.

Vash sits. 

****

Vash:

(into phone)

What are you talking about?

****

Faye:

I need you to check and see if there's a lump in my breast.

****

Vash:

Go to a hospital.

****

Faye:

I can't afford to throw money away on a doctor. Please?

Vash looks into the camera.

****

Vash (v.o.):

She didn't call Wolfwood because she didn't want to scare him. I'm neutral in her book.

EXT. SHADY SANDS APARTMENTS. DUSK.

Vash walks up to the entrance. He sees Faye taking two boxes from the back of a delivery truck.

****

Vash:

Taking food to-

(reads labels)

"Mr. and Mrs. Singer" Who are they exactly?

****

Faye:

Tragically, they're dead. I'm alive and I'm in poverty. You want any?

****

Vash:

Uh, no I'm good.

****

Faye:

I got one for you.

****

Vash:

Thanks for the thought.

****

Faye:

Hey, what happened to your hand?

****

Vash:

Um…nothing.

INT. FAYE'S APARTMENT – LATER.

Faye stands in front of a mirror with her shirt open. Vash stands behind her, feeling the underside of her left breast.

****

Vash:

Right there?

****

Faye:

Uh-huh. Feel anything?

****

Vash:

No.

****

Faye:

Make sure.

****

Vash:

I'm pretty sure.

****

Faye:

You feel nothing?

****

Vash:

Nothing.

****

Faye:

(sighs)

Well, that's a relief.

Faye buttons up her shirt. Vash looks eager to leave.

****

Faye:

Thank you.

****

Vash:

No problem.

****

Faye:

Least I can do is return the favor. Want me to check your prostate?

****

Vash:

Uh, no I think I'm good.

****

Faye:

Well then…

Faye leans closer and kisses him. Vash makes no response.

****

Vash:

Are we done?

Faye sighs dejectedly.

****

Faye:

Yeah, we're done. See you…around.

Vash takes his jacket and leaves.

EXT. SHADY SANDS APARTMENTS – MOMENTS LATER.

Vash stands outside. He looks up to Faye's apartment window. The light turns off as he watches. As he turns to leave, he hears a familiar voice from behind-

****

Gren:

Jet? Is that you?

Vash turns to see Gren in workout sweats, holding a box of donuts.

****

Gren:

Jet! It's me, Gren!

****

Vash:

Gren! Hi!

Vash sticks out his hand, but Gren hugs him.

****

Gren:

We all thought you were dead!

****

Vash:

(Chuckles)

No, I'm still here. How are you, Gren?

****

Gren:

Oh God, better than I've ever felt in my whole life.

****

Vash:

Really? Still "Remaining Men Together?"

****

Gren:

Nope, I've got a new club now.

****

Vash:

Oh, really? What's that?

****

Gren:

Well…the first rule is…I'm not supposed to talk about it. And the second rule is…I'm not supposed to talk about it. And the third rule-

****

Vash:

Gren? I'm a member. Look at my face.

Gren looks dubiously at Vash a moment, then laughs, hugging him again.

****

Gren:

That's fucking great!

****

Vash:

I've never seen you there.

****

Gren:

I go Tuesdays and Thursdays.

****

Vash:

Oh, I go Saturdays.

****

Gren:

Do you know about he guy who invented this thing?

****

Vash:

Well, actually-

****

Gren:

They say he was born in a mental institution and that he sleeps only one hour a night.

****

Vash:

Really?

****

Gren:

Do you know Nicholas Wolfwood?

Vash stares at him.

INT. BASEMENT. GENERAL STORE. NIGHT.

Music: "Smells like Teen Spirit" - Nirvana

Gren and Vash are fighting. The faces in the crowd are unfamiliar, since this is a new group. The crowd screams wildly.

They circle each other. Vash throws a series of quick jabs. Vash gets Gren with a right hook. Gren staggers. In the back, a few guys are laughing.

****

Heckler:

Hey kid, your tits are too big!

Gren regains his footing and sidesteps Vash's next punch, grabbing his arm and throwing Vash to the ground.

Gren gets Vash in a chokehold, smothering Vash's face between his breasts. Losing air, Vash taps out. Gren gets up and throws his head back, bellowing some kind of battle cry. The crowd cheers.

EXT. GENERAL STORE – LATER

Everybody disperses for the night. Gren helps Vash walk out.

****

Gren:

I didn't hurt you, did I?

****

Vash:

Actually Gren, you did.

****

Vash (v.o.):

Fight Club. This was mine and Wolfwood's gift – our gift to the world.

INT. LOU'S TAVERN BASEMENT. NIGHT.

An enormous crowd, including Vash and Gren, stand in a circle around Wolfwood.

****

Wolf:

I look around and I see a lot of new faces.

An enthusiastic chorus from the crowd.

****

Wolf:

SHUT UP! ….This means a lot of you have been breaking the first two rules of Fight Club. 

Silence falls.

Wolfwood walks through the crowd as he talks.

****

Wolf:

I see in Fight Club some of the strongest and smartest men who've ever lived. I see all this potential and Goddamnitt, it's wasted busing tables and hauling trash. Advertisements have us chasing furniture and guns that are nothing more than useless comforts. Making us work jobs we don't like so we can buy shit we don't NEED. We're the middle children of history. We've no great depression or war. Our great war is a spiritual war, our great depression is our lives. We've all been raised by television to believe that one day we'd all be movie stars, rock gods, and millionaires – but we WON'T. And we are slowly learning this fact. And we are very, VERY pissed off.

A rumble of agreement emanates from the crowd. Vash stands in quiet awe of the ease with which Wolfwood motivates these men.

****

Wolf:

The first rule of Fight Club is – You do not-

Wolfwood is interrupted by the sound of footsteps coming down the stairs. A blonde haired man with sharp features (Knives) comes down, followed by an enormous thug with machine guns strapped to his wrists (Monev).

****

Wolf:

Who are you?

****

Lou (Knives):

Who am I? There's a sign out front that says "Lou's Tavern". I'm Lou. And who the FUCK are you?

****

Wolf:

Nicholas Wolfwood.

****

Lou:

Who said that you useless humans could use my place?

****

Wolf:

We have a deal worked out with Doohan.

****

Lou:

Doohan? Doohan's in the hospital with a broken collarbone. He doesn't own this place. I do. How much money is he getting for this?

****

Wolf:

There is no money.

****

Lou:

Is that so?

****

Wolf:

Free to all.

****

Lou:

Well now, isn't that something?

****

Wolf:

It is, actually.

****

Lou:

Listen, if anyone is getting brutally beaten in one of my joints, it'll be by ME. Now I want all of you shiftless, unevolved sacks of meat out of here NOW.

****

Wolf:

You should join our club.

(Indicates Monev)

You and your friend.

****

Lou:

Stupid fuck, did you hear what I just said?!

****

Wolf:

You seem like a violent person, I think you'd get along well here.

Knives glances at Monev. The giant laughs as Knives turns back to Wolfwood, smirking. Without warning, he slugs Wolfwood in the stomach. Wolfwood doubles over.

****

Lou:

You hear me now, smart-ass?

****

Wolf:

No, I didn't quite catch that, Lou.

Knives hits him in the face.

****

Wolf:

(Determined)

Still not getting it…

Knives hits him again.

****

Wolf:

OW! Ok! I got it, I got it – shit I lost it.

Knives kicks Wolfwood in the stomach, sending him sprawling to the floor. Vash and the others come forward to help. Wolfwood waves them back. He locks eyes with Vash, giving him a look that says, "I've got it under control." Monev brandishes his guns.

****

Monev:

Back! Everybody back!

****

Wolf:

Hahahahaha! Oh, Lou! Come on, man! We really like this place…

Knives's face grows dark with anger. A sinister gleam comes into his eyes as he grabs Wolfwood by the collar and raises his fist, ready to completely destroy him.

****

Wolf:

(Goading)

That's it Lou, get it all out…

****

Lou:

Shut the FUCK UP!!!

Knives begins to beat Wolfwood relentlessly. Punching him in the face until Wolfwood is bleeding from the nose and mouth. Wolfwood is laughing maniacally the entire time. 

****

Lou:

You think this is FUNNY!?

****

Wolf:

Oh Lou, it's outrageous! HahahahaHA!!

****

Lou:

SHUT UP!!!

****

Wolf:

HaHAA!! You stupid FUCK! Beat me to a bloody pulp, I don't care! Punch in my teeth and crack my ribs, but I don't give a shit! I'm nothing to you and this whole fucking world AND I COULD CARE LESS!! AH HA HAA!!!! 

Wolfwood looks like an accident victim when Knives finally steps away from him. Knives looks at Monev, shaking his head. Wolfwood lays, bleeding and broken, giggling to himself.

****

Lou:

Pathetic. Let's get out of here.

As Lou turns to leave, Wolfwood jumps up, grabbing onto Knives. He tackles him to the floor, dribbling blood onto Knives's face. Wolfwood continues to laugh. Monev tries to pull Wolfwood off. 

****

Wolf:

HAHAHA! You don't know where I've been, Lou! You don't know WHERE I'VE BEEN!! HAAHAHAA!!

Even Knives is thoroughly grossed out by being dribbled on by a ranting lunatic. 

****

Lou:

Get him the HELL OFF OF ME!!!

****

Wolf:

Please let us keep this place, Lou! PLEASE!

****

Lou:  
CHRIST! JUST USE THE FUCKING BASEMENT!!

****

Wolf:

I want your WORD, Lou!

****

Lou:

On my brother's grave…

Wolfwood lets go. Monev drops him to the floor and helps Knives up the stairs. The front of his suit is covered in blood. Knives retches from the blood in his mouth and eyes. They both exit.

****

Wolf:

Thanks, Lou. Come back anytime.

The crowd moves to help Wolfwood. They pick him up and move him to a crate. He sits, breathing laboriously for a moment. Then pulls a cigarette from his back pocket. Vash is there to light it for him.

****

Wolf:

This week…each one of you has a homework assignment. You're gonna go out and start a fight with a total stranger.

(pause)

You're gonna start a fight….and you're gonna lose.


	7. Vash's Smirking Revenge/Project Mayhem

Author's Note: This just gets more fun to write the further I get into it, though it's kind of sobering to think that it'll end in several more chapters. Ah well, such is life. Once again, AU warning along with sporadic showers of OCC ness. 

Disclaimer: I don't own Fight Club, or Trigun, or the any of the anime characters and their respective properties mentioned in here, yare, yare… 

EXT. THOMAS CORRAL. DAY.

Shin is looking at the Thomases for sale. The Owner walks up to him.

****

Owner:

How may I help you, sir?

EXT. STREET. DAY.

Gren walks closely behind a businessman, stepping on his heels.

EXT. TOWN SQUARE. DAY.

Midvalley, dressed as a gardener, waters shrubs by a fountain. As two men pass, he sprays them with the hose.

****

First man:

Hey jackass, watch out!

They continue on their way.

****

Vash:

Now this is NOT as easy as it sounds.

EXT. THOMAS CORRAL. DAY.

Shin grabs the corral owner by the neck and throws him over the corral fence, upsetting the Thomases. He jumps in after him.

****

Vash:

Normally, people will do just about anything to AVOID a fight.

EXT. STREET. DAY.

Gren watches someone ride by on a bike.

EXT. TOWN SQUARE. DAY.

Midvalley still watering shrubs. As a priest passes, he jerks the hose up and sprays him.

****

Priest:

Excuse me? You sprayed me with your hose.

Midvalley looks non-plused; sprays him again.

****

Priest:

Okay, that's not necessary.

EXT. STREET. DAY.

Empty at first. A beat. Then Gren comes running on, chasing the biker off screen.

EXT. THOMAS CORRAL. DAY.

The Owner climbs over the fence, covered in mud and Thomas shit. Shin pushes past Thomases, climbs casually over the fence and follows the hysterical owner as he runs toward the shop.

****

Owner:

Get the hell away from me!

EXT. TOWN SQUARE. DAY.

Midvalley slaps the priest's bible to the ground, spraying it.

****

Priest:

Hey man! That's the bible!

The priest slaps at Midvalley, who pushes him away.

He hits Midvalley on the shoulder, a weak slap, actually. Midvalley glares at him. The priest retreats, Midvalley drops the hose and chases after him.

****

Priest:

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry!

EXT. STREET. DAY.

Gren stands eating a hot dog. A postman walks in from off screen. Gren finishes his hotdog by the time the postman is right next to him. 

****

Postman:

Morning.

Gren dusts off his hands and punches the postman in the face, sending him sprawling.

INT. BERNADELLI AGENCY. MERYL'S OFFICE. DAY.

Vash stands in the doorway, knocks on the frame. Meryl looks up from her desk.

****

Vash:

We need to talk.

****

Meryl:

Yes, we do.

Vash closes the door. Sits down in single chair in front of desk.

****

Meryl:

Alright. Where do we begin? With your constant absenteeism? Your unpresentable appearance? Your complete lack of respect for your superiors? You're up for review, you know.

Vash just smiles.

****

Vash:

I am Vash's complete lack of surprise.

****

Meryl:

…what?

****

Vash:

(Calm, conciliatory tone)

First things first – I don't come here much because I don't like this job. I hate it and everything associated with it. Second – I look the way I do because I spend most of my off time brutalizing my fellow man in a twisted attempt to find meaning in this sad existence that I have created for myself. Third – I have NEVER held respect for you, for Walter, or anyone who works here and never will. I find you all sadly devoid of any true human emotions except greed and why you haven't realized the utter futility of this lifestyle that you pursue is beyond me-

****

Meryl:

(Aghast)

Do you realize-

****

Vash:

- I'm not finished. I could care less what the board thinks of me. I prefer a life devoid of living by a scale and basing my self-worth on what society says is acceptable as a profession.

His boss rises in anger, warning-

****

Meryl:

You're through here! Get the hell ou-

Vash rises to meet her, shouting-

****

Vash:

SIT DOWN AND LISTEN!!!

She cringes, falling back into her chair.

****

Vash:

You think you actually hold power here? You can inflate your self-worth by every miniscule task performed and every meaningless promotion you earn in this shithole of a job, but it doesn't change the fact that you're nothing more than a slave to these rich fucks with huge bank accounts and fancy titles in front of their names…

Vash stops, calming himself. Meryl looks on, speechless.

****

Vash:

I seem to have gotten off on a tangent there. Actually, I didn't come here to admonish you, or to tell you to go fuck yourself, even though I just did.

(smiles)

What I have is a proposal.

****

Meryl:

(Regaining some of her fire)

What do you think there is to negotiate? You're through here, that's for certain!

****

Vash:

(Ignoring her)

Pretend that you're the Federal Marshall's office. SOMEONE informs you that this company withholds information at the request of frequent clients, including reports of numerous Sandsteamer accidents over the last eight years. These reports deal with, but aren't limited to, corrosion-resistant liners that don't withstand initial tests, brake systems that fail after a thousand iles and fuel pumps that rupture easily and burn scores of people alive. What then?

****

Meryl:

Are you…threatening me?

****

Vash:

(Continuing)

OR…you could keep me on the payroll as an outside advisor and in exchange for my salary, my job will be to never tell of these things that I know.

****

Vash (v.o.):

Wolfwood and I went over all of this last night. I took the liberty of adding some stuff.

****

Meryl:

(Losing it)

GET OUT OF HERE, you - you twisted little SHIT!

(Picking up phone)

Security?

****

Vash (v.o.):

I am Vash's smirking revenge.

Vash punches himself in the face. He staggers. Meryl stares, incredulous.

Vash looks at Meryl.

****

Vash:

Why did you do that?

Vash punches himself again, he flies off his feet and goes through a glass table behind him, shattering it.

****

Vash:

(to himself)

That hurt.

(To Meryl)

What the hell has gotten into you?!

Meryl drops the receiver. She stands motionless, watching as this man attacks himself.

****

Vash:

AHHHH!!! LET GO OF ME, YOU SADISTIC BITCH!!

Vash grabs himself by the collar and throws himself about the room, knocking things over and wrecking havoc.

He stops momentarily in front of a large glass cabinet.

****

Vash:

Oh no….OH GOD, NO PLEASE!!! NO –

Vash throws himself backwards.

Freeze picture

****

Vash (v.o.):

For some reason, I thought of my first fight with Wolfwood.

RESUME.

Vash flies backwards into the case. The glass shatters everywhere. He crumples in a heap alongside the plaques inside the case. His hand moves as though possessed of it's own will. He punches himself again and then throws himself onto the floor.

Vash comes up from behind a couch. He's dribbling blood in viscous red streams from his nose and mouth. We see glass embedded in his arm and face. He crawls forward like some gangly monster. We see he's giggling.

****

Vash (v.o.):

I'm being such a doofus. This is way too over the top. Too Jerry Lewis to get the message across. I guess I got carried away.

****

Vash: 

(Laughing)

Please…

Meryl backs away in horror. Vash still laughs. 

****

Vash:

Please…don't hit me any more…

Vash reaches Meryl, who's backed up against the wall, watching this horrible thing coming towards her and making small, disgusted cries. He slowly claws his way up her pants and grabs her shirt, leaving filthy handprints. Meryl is trying to pull herself free and is freaking out in the process.

****

Vash:

Just give me the paychecks and you won't ever see me again. Kay?

Vash smiles, his already split lips cracking from the effort and making more blood come out of his mouth.

****

Vash (v.o.):

I'm trying not to laugh. But it's really hard to keep a straight face when you realize that everything you've worked for and everything you've endured…

Two Security guards enter and gape at the sight before them: Meryl Stryfe standing with bloodied fists over a beaten employee. 

****

Vash (v.o.):

…has come to fruition.

Vash slumps to the floor, crying.

****

Vash:

(To guards)

Thank God you're here. Don't let her hit me again…

The guards, hands on their guns, move into the room. Meryl shakes her head, rejecting the situation before her.

****

Meryl:

(Quietly)

No…

****

Guard 1:

(To Meryl)

Ma'am? Step away from the injured man.

****

Meryl:

But…he…

****

Vash:

Be gentle with her, she doesn't know her own strength.

The guards put Meryl in handcuffs and lead her to the door. Vash is helped up by the second guard.

****

Vash:

(To Meryl)

I forgive you.

Meryl stares at him in shock as she's led out of the room. His back to the second guard, Vash smiles.

INT. HALLWAY – LATER.

Vash walks down the hallway, wheeling a shopping cart full of electronics and computer equipment. The two guards flank him, keeping away co-workers who can't help but stare at Vash, who hasn't stopped bleeding. Vash whistles contentedly.

****

Vash (v.o.):

Telephone, computer, fax machine, eighty-two weekly paychecks, forty-eight flight coupons…Wolfwood and I now had corporate sponsorship. This is how we were able to have Fight Club every night of the week.

INT. GENERAL STORE. BASEMENT. NIGHT.

A fist smashes into a jaw. One fighter flies to the floor. Like a spring, he's back on his feet, charging his opponent. We see Midvalley dance out of the way of his attacker's next punch. The Priest from before anticipates this and swings in with his other fist, hitting Midvalley in the face, he goes down. The Priest gets him in a chokehold. Midvalley, turning blue, taps out.

****

Vash (v.o.):

Now, nobody was the center of Fight Club except the two men fighting. The leader stalked the outskirts of the crowd like a wolf. A shadow. His face rarely seen, but his presence always felt.

The fight over, the crowd cheers. Midvalley shakes the priest's hand. The Priest pulls Midvalley to him and hugs him, having the time of his life.

****

Priest:

Thank you! Oh God, Thank you!

****

Vash (v.o.):

I am Vash's wasted life.

INT. GENERAL STORE. BASEMENT – LATER.

Wolfwood hands out envelopes to the crowd, who has lined up in front of him. Vash stands by watching.

****

Vash (v.o.):

Wolfwood dreamed up new homework assignments. He doled them out in sealed envelopes.

EXT. CITY HALL. NIGHT.

Music: "Come Out and Play" – The Offspring

Several Fight Club members fiddle with pipes and tools, constructing some type of apparatus.

EXT. PUBLIC SQUARE. SAME.

FC members with bags of bird feed move about in front of a fountain, sprinkling seed here and there. Birds begin to land, picking at the small mounds. As we watch, more and more birds descend on the area.

INT. SHOPPING CENTER. SAME. 

Two FC members hold service doors open to let three others in, each of them pulling several harnessed Thomases with them.

EXT. STREET. SAME.

Vash and Wolfwood walk along, posting flyers to store windows. They read such things as: "Recycle your Animals", "Babies: The Other White Meat", and "Make Mine Veal."

****

Wolf:

Did you know there's a Fight Club up in Inepril?

****

Vash:

Yeah, I heard. Hey, did you start the one over in Mei City?

****

Wolf:

No, I thought you or Gren did.

****

Vash:

Wasn't me.

They look up the street at the sound of commotion. Several Marshals arrive in squad cars in front of the local shopping center. People run out the doors, chased by irate Thomases.

****

Vash:

Was this one yours or Shin's idea?

****

Wolf:

Actually, I think Kenshin was assigned to Thomas infestation of the local plaza.

They watch as the Marshals attempt to corner some of the confused creatures, albeit unsuccessfully.

EXT.CITY HALL. NIGHT. 

FC members stand beside a catapult of sorts. One of them loads a bag onto the dish.

****

Member:

Pull!

With the pull of a lever, the bag goes flying towards the buildings in front of it. It smacks wetly against the façade, splattering animal pieces and parts everywhere. We see that they have been at this for a while, as nearly the entire front is covered in juices and residue.

EXT. PUBLIC SQUARE. DAY.

The entire courtyard is covered in birdshit. People attempt to cross the field of filth, tiptoeing around the larger spots.

EXT. SANDSTEAMER CABIN. DAY.

An attendant, after looking around, opens a box from a print shop. Inside are Safety Instruction Cards. We see the cards as he and two others insert them into the seat pockets. The cards show passengers flailing about in confusion, fighting each other to get to exits, screaming in terror and praying.

INT. GUN SHOP. NIGHT.

We see FC members wiring display dummies clothed in hunting gear and ammo belts. Using duct tape, they secure sizable amounts of what appear to be C4 to the backs of the dummies.

EXT. DRY GOODS STORE. NIGHT.

Vash and Wolfwood walk towards it. Vash carries a backpack.

****

Wolf:

Stop here for a second.

****

Vash:

What's up?

****

Wolf:

Turn around.

He starts to root through Vash's backpack.

****

Vash:

So what are we doing?

****

Wolf:

Homework Assignment.

Wolfwood pulls a Grader pistol from the backpack.

****

Vash:

What the hell?! Please tell me that's not a gun!

****

Wolf:

It's a gun.

****

Vash:

It's not loaded, right?

****

Wolf:

It's loaded. Run around and meet me in the back-

****

Vash:

Don't fuck around!

****

Wolf:

-NOW.

Wolfwood enters the shop. Vash stands for a second, torn.

****

Vash:

Fuck!

He runs around to the back.

EXT. DRY GOODS STORE. NIGHT – MOMENTS LATER.

Wolfwood comes out the back, holding a gun to the Clerk's head. He forces the Clerk, a heavily muscled man with long blonde hair to his knees and holds the gun to his head.

****

Vash:

Oh come on, man!

****

Wolf:

(to Clerk)

Hands behind your head.

****

Wolf:

Give me your wallet.

The Clerk gives him his wallet, fumbling for it in his pocket. He looks about ready to cry. Wolfwood flips through and pulls out his driver's license.

****

Wolf:

(Reading license)

"Gabriev, Gourry." 1337 W. Luton, Apartment K. Small, cramped basement apartment, right Gourry?

****

Gourry:

H-How'd you know?

****

Wolf:

'Cause they give shitty basement apartments letters instead of numbers. Gourry, you're about to die.

****

Gourry:

(Whimpering)

Oh God…

Wolfwood looks at Gourry's wallet again.

****

Wolf:

Is this your mom and dad? Mom and Dad will have to call up kindly Dr. So-and-So to get your dental records. Know why? Cause there's gonna be nothing left of your face to make a positive ID.

Gourry starts to whimper.

****

Vash:

(To Wolfwood)

Jesus Christ, come on, man!

****

Wolf:

An expired community college ID…? What did you study, Gourry?

****

Gourry:

S-s-s-stuff…..

****

Wolf:

Stuff? Were the midterms hard? 

Gourry doesn't respond. Wolfwood pistol whips Gourry across the back of the head. Vash winces. Gourry starts to cry openly.

****

Wolf:

Listen to me Gourry Gabriev, you're going to DIE. It doesn't matter if it's in one second or in an hour. Lie to me. Tell me the first thing off the top of your head. Make some shit up, I don't care. I've got the gun.

****

Gourry:

Th-Theatre, mostly.

****

Wolf:

Why?

****

Gourry:

I-I-I don't know…I just wanna go home, please…

****

Wolf:

Well no shit, Gourry, so do I. But after that how do you want to spend the remainder of your life?

Gourry fumbles for words. Wolfwood draws back the hammer. 

****

Wolf:

The question Gourry, was: What did you want to be when you grew up?

****

Vash:

Christ! Answer him, Gourry!

****

Gourry:

Plays! Plays!

****

Wolf:

Acting!

****

Gourry:

Yeah, a-a-and stu-

****

Wolf:

-stuff, yeah I got that. That would've meant more schooling.

****

Gourry:

Too much school.

****

Wolf:

But you could be in school, working your ass off, Gourry Gabriev, or you could be dead. You choose. Would you rather be dead? Here? On your knees in the back of a Dry Goods store?

****

Gourry:

No!

Wolfwood uncocks the gun. He tosses Gourry's wallet to the ground in front of him.

****

Wolf:

I'm going to keep your license. I'm going to be checking in on you. Now, I know where you live. If you aren't on your way to becoming a stage actor in six months, I'm going to find you and kill you. I'd rather see you dead than working a shit job for just enough money to buy cheese and watch television….Now run on home.

Gourry picks up his wallet. He gets to his feet and runs off into the night.

****

Vash:

I feel ill.

****

Wolf:

Imagine how he feels.

****

Vash:

That wasn't funny, what the hell were you thinking?

****

Wolf:

Tomorrow will be the most beautiful day of Gourry Gabriev's life. His breakfast will taste better than any meal you or I have ever eaten.

Wolfwood tosses the gun back to Vash and walks away.

****

Vash (v.o.):

You had to give it to him-

****

Wolf:

Come on.

****

Vash (v.o.):

He had a plan. And it started to make sense in a Wolfwood sort of way. No fear. No distractions-

Vash pops out the clip, holds it up to the store lights. It's empty.

****

Vash (v.o.):

The ability to let that which does not matter, truly slide.

EXT. GUN SHOP. NIGHT.

The front window, along with the merchandise, explodes in a ball of fire.

EXT. PAPER STREET HOUSE. DAWN.

Wolfwood sits on the roof. Gazing out at the landscape, smoking.

****

Wolf:

(to himself)

You are not your bank account. You're not the clothes you wear. You're not the contents of your wallet. You're not your bowel cancer. You are not your Grande Latte. You're not the car you drive….You're not your fucking khakis. We are the all-singing, all-dancing, crap of the world.

INT. PAPER STREET HOUSE. KITCHEN. MORNING.

Vash sits eating doughnuts and sipping coffee. Faye walks in and heads to the coffeepot. Vash looks at her, wants to say something.

****

Faye:

Don't worry, I'll be out of your way in a second.

****

Vash:

You, uh…you don't have to leave if you don't want to.

Faye looks over her shoulder at him.

****

Faye:

Whatever.

Vash looks down at his coffee dejectedly. Tries to change the subject.

****

Vash:

(A pause)

You still going to groups?

****

Faye:

No, not as often….Julia's dead.

****

Vash:

Oh, wow….when did that happen?

****

Faye:

Do you even care?

****

Vash:

(Considers)

I don't know, I haven't thought about it in a while.

****

Faye:

Well…it was a smart move on her part.

****

Vash:

(Cautiously broaching the subject)

Can I ask? W-what are you getting out of…this?

****

Faye:

…out of what?

****

Vash:

Out of…this relationship. I mean, why come back? Does this make you happy?

****

Faye:

Sometimes.

****

Vash:

Well…if the only satisfaction you get is from the sex, why put up with the rest? It's not like you're chained here. 

Faye puts her cup down, considering. She shuffles her feet uncomfortably.

****

Faye:

I know that. But I just keep hoping…things will change. I hold on to this pipe dream that one day we'll get over our mutual stubbornness and…be able to say that we're sorry for the shit we've caused each other.

(Laughs quietly)

I know. Wishful thinking. But that's all I really want…

Faye looks up at Vash. He's startled by an expression he's never seen on her face before: one of sincerity.

****

Faye:

…to be able to tell someone you love them, without a pithy comment or cold shoulder as a response.

Vash is momentarily thrown by her response.

****

Vash:

Um…I agree, though…what I was driving at was – why does a weaker person feel the need to latch on to a stronger person? What do they get out of it?

****

Faye:

Well, what do you get out of it?

Vash begins to notice the sound of sawing and hammering. He can't place where it's coming from.

****

Vash:

No, no, it's different with us, we're-

****

Faye:

"Us?" What do you mean by us?

****

Vash:

I'm sorry – Do you hear this?

****

Faye:

Hear what? Don't try and change the subject, I want to talk about this.

Vash walks to the basement door, which is cracked open. He looks down to see Wolfwood at the bottom.

****

Wolf:

You're not talking about me, are you?

****

Vash:

(To Wolf)

No.

(To Faye)

What?

****

Faye:

The day you came over to my place to play doctor – what was going on there?

****

Wolf:

(Whispering)

What are you talking about?

****

Vash:

(To Wolf)

Nothing.

(To Faye)

Nothing.

****

Faye:

Don't lie to me.

****

Vash:

Come on.

****

Faye:

Look at me.

****

Vash:

Knock it off.

Faye grabs Vash's face.

****

Faye:

LOOK at me!

Vash pulls Faye's hands away from his face. She sees Wolfwood's kiss-shaped scar on his right hand.

****

Faye:

I asked you about this before, who did this?

****

Vash:

A…person.

****

Faye:

Guy or Girl?

****

Vash:

What do you care?

****

Faye:

What do you care if I ask?

****

Vash:

Just leave me alone.

****

Faye:

Will you answer me?!

****

Wolf:

(Whispering)

This conversation…

****

Vash:

This conversation…

****

Wolf:

…is over.

****

Vash:

…is over.

Vash shuts the basement door. Faye stares at him.

****

Faye:

I can't win with you, can I?

Faye walks back into the kitchen, grabbing her things. Vash listens as the back door slams. He hears footsteps fading in the distance.

Vash stands perplexed for a moment, then rushes downstairs to find Wolfwood.

INT. PAPER STREET HOUSE. BASEMENT. 

Vash looks around, triple-bunk-beds clutter the basement. Wolfwood comes around the corner and jogs up the stairs.

****

Vash:

What the hell was that about? You really pissed her off this time – what is all this?

****

Wolf:

What does it look like?

****

Vash:

Why do we need bunk-beds?

A door bell sounds from upstairs. Vash follows.

EXT. PAPER STREET HOUSE. FRONT PORCH – MOMENTS LATER.

Wolfwood walks out. Sano, a young man with spiked dark hair and a red bandanna around his head, stands in all black regalia, staring straight ahead in subordinate military fashion. Next to him is an army-surplus mattress. Wolfwood inspects him.

****

Wolf:

Too young. Sorry.

Wolfwood comes back inside, shuts the door.

INT. PAPER STREET HOUSE. ENTRANCE.

Vash gives Wolfwood a quizzical look.

****

Vash:

Who's he?

****

Wolf:

If the applicant is young, tell him he's too young. If he's fat, tell him too fat – Old, too old.

****

Vash:

"Applicant?"

****

Wolf:

The applicant waits outside for three days without food, shelter, or encouragement. If he remains through all of this, he may then enter to begin the training.

****

Vash:

Training for what?

EXT. PAPER STREET HOUSE. FRONT PORCH – MOMENTS LATER.

Vash comes out. Sano stands rigidly. Wolfwood stands in the doorway, lights a cigarette.

****

Vash:

Training for what?

Sano doesn't answer.

****

Vash:

You think this is a fucking game? Get the hell off of our porch and quit wasting our time.

EXT. PAPER STREET HOUSE. FRONT PORCH. NIGHT.

Sano remains standing. Wolfwood comes out.

****

Wolf:

Bad news, kid. It's not gonna happen. I'm sorry if there was a misunderstanding. It's not the end of the world, just….go away.

EXT. FRONT PORCH. NIGHT.

Vash comes out with a broom.

****

Vash:

Don't look at me! You think you're getting in this house?! You're never getting in this fucking house! Leave!

Vash begins to smack Sano with the broom. He remains standing.

EXT. FRONT PORCH. NIGHT

Wolfwood talks to Sano again.

****

Wolf:

Look, there's obviously been some confusion, friend. I just want to let you know that you are trespassing and I will be forced to call the authorities.

EXT. FRONT PORCH. NIGHT.

Vash still talking to Sano.

****

Vash (v.o.):

Sooner or later, we all became what Wolfwood wanted us to be.

****

Vash:

(Brandishing broom)

I'm gonna go back inside and I'm gonna get a shovel.

EXT. FRONT PORCH. MORNING.

Wolfwood and Vash walk out. Smoking and eating a doughnut, respectively. Sano is still there, along with Gren, who is dressed similarly to him and carrying a mattress as well.

Sano answers "Sir!" to all the following questions:

****

Wolf:

You have two black shirts? Two pair black pants? One pair black shoes? Two pair black socks? One black jacket? Three hundred double dollars personal burial money?

(considers)

Alright, grab your things and come on in.

Sano goes inside. Wolfwood turns to Gren.

****

Wolf:

You're too young, stick-boy. And your tits are too big. Get the fuck off my porch.

Wolfwood goes back inside.

Gren looks hurt. He gathers his things and goes to leave. Vash, feeling sorry, follows him.

****

Vash:

Gren…it's okay, man. Come on…

EXT. FRONT PORCH. NIGHT.

Gren stands at rigid attention.

INT. PAPER STREET HOUSE. UPSTAIRS BATHROOM. DAY.

Wolfwood and Vash stand in the doorway, watching Sano shaving his head bald. When he's done, Wolfwood gives him a slap across the top of his head.

****

Wolf:

Like a monkey, ready to be shot into space. A Space Monkey! Ready to sacrifice himself for the greater good of the cause!

EXT. PAPER STREET HOUSE. FRONT PORCH. DAY.

Gren and Omi, a new applicant with very feminine features and short brown hair, stand at attention. Sano comes out.

****

Sano:

(To Gren)

Hey freak! You're too fucking scrawny!

(To Omi)

And you, you're too fucking-…-SHORT! Get the fuck out of here, both of you!

Vash watches through the window. 

****

Vash (v.o.):

And so it went…

EXT. PAPER STREET HOUSE. BACKYARD. DAY - CONTINUOUS.

Half a dozen Space Monkeys work in the garden, preparing a section of ground with shovels and rakes. Wolfwood talks to them through a megaphone.

****

Wolf:

Listen up, maggots. You are not special. You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You are the same decaying organic matter as everything else.

****

Vash (v.o.):

Wolfwood was building himself an army.

INT. BUS. IN TRANSIT – CONTINUOUS.

Vash sits, holding a briefcase and several green folders.

****

Vash (v.o.):

…but for what greater purpose? For what greater good?…

EXT. PAPER STREET HOUSE. NIGHT – CONTINUOUS.

Vash walks towards the house as the bus pulls away.

****

Vash (v.o.):

…In Wolfwood we trusted.

INT. PAPER STREET HOUSE. KITCHEN. NIGHT.

Vash walks in and puts down the folders and briefcase. Wolfwood enters, opens the fridge and grabs a beer. He's wearing black combat pants and his arms are smeared with green paint. He smiles at Vash.

****

Vash:

What's going on?

Vash notices rope and repelling gear on the table.

****

Vash:

Um…

****

Wolf:

Go on in, we're celebrating.

Before Vash can ask what for, Wolfwood hands him a beer and pushes him into the living room.

INT. PAPER STREET HOUSE. LIVING ROOM. SAME.

Vash enters. Gren, Sano, Omi, Shin, Kenshin, and several others sit, drinking and watching TV. They're also decked in various forms of black combat fatigues and wearing smudges of green paint. Gren waves "hi", and the others nod at Vash, smiling.

On the TV is a reporter (Kaoru, from Rurouni Kenshin) covering a story at the local Plants outside of town.

****

Reporter:

I'm told that Federal Marshal Jacobs has just arrived and is now heading up the investigation here. Marshal Jacobs, could you tell us what happened here tonight?

****

Kenshin:

She's hot.

Several others nod in agreement.

Marshal Jacobs, a wrinkled official, turns toward the camera.

****

Jacobs:

We believe this is another in a series of acts of vandalism and social disorder related to these recently emerging underground boxing clubs. We are conducting a thorough investigation and plan to have more information soon.

****

Reporter:

That was Marshal Jacobs commenting on the-

The camera cuts to show several of the large, lightbulb-shaped power plants in the area, spotlights showing each of the bulbs adorned with giant green smiley faces.

The reporter's words are lost in the laughter that follows. Everyone except Vash, that is.

****

Vash:

Holy shit, what did you guys do?

Silence. They look at one another and start laughing again.

****

Gren:

Sir, the first rule of Project Mayhem is you do not ask questions, sir.

Vash turns to look at Wolfwood in the archway. Wolfwood slinks out of sight. Vash follows him into the kitchen.

****

Vash:

What's Project Mayhem?

Wolfwood is rummaging through the freezer.

****

Wolf:

Want some ice cream?

****

Vash:

No, I'd like some information.

****

Wolf:

(Turning to face Vash)

Don't have any of that; all we got is ice cream.

Vash glares at Wolfwood. Wolfwood smiles back, pulling a container of ice cream from the freezer and picking up a spoon from the sink.

****

Vash:

What was that stunt you pulled tonight?

****

Wolf:

(Eating out of the carton)

Sure you don't want some? It's Moose Tracks.

Vash steps forward and knocks the ice cream from Wolfwood's hands. Wolfwood's smile vanishes. They stare at each other.

****

Vash:

I asked you a question.

****

Wolf:

My ice cream's on the floor.

****

Vash:

(Pause)

I asked you a question.

****

Wolf:

(Pause)

My ice cream's on the floor.

A moment of silence.

****

Wolf:

(Sighs)

Look, every organization needs a detachment of select individuals to accomplish jobs that normally wouldn't be handled by the main element of that said group. Project Mayhem is to Fight Club what the SWAT team is to the Federal Marshals or the SS was to the German army.

****

Vash:

Did you just use the Nazis as a comparison?

****

Wolf:

Tell you what, we've got a job coming up in a few days here. If I add you to the team will that give you back your feeling of special unique-ness?

****

Vash:

What are you talking about?

****

Wolf:

I know you're pissed that you weren't on the inside for this last job-

****

Vash:

No I'm not! It's-

****

Wolf:

Yes, you are. But now you can re-live those golden days when it was you and I against the world. Now how does that sound?

****

Vash:

(Grumbles, considering it.)

…Fine.

Wolfwood beams. He slaps Vash on the back as he picks up the ice cream and grabs a (relatively) clean spoon from the sink.

****

Wolf:

Excellent. Come on, "Space Ghost: Coast to Coast" is on in ten.

Wolfwood heads back into the living room.

****

Vash (v.o.):

He had a plan AND an army. But for what greater cause? For what reason?…

Vash, still fuming, grabs another beer from the fridge and exits to the living room.

****

Vash (v.o.):

…In Wolfwood we trusted.


	8. Near-Life Experience/Mea Culpa

Author's Note: Hoo-rah! Sorry for the length of time between updates, but there was an unavoidable intrusion by RealLife ® in the form of an English paper and a take-home history quiz due Thursday and Friday, respectively. But then, all you care about is the fact that Chapter eight is up, so why should I bore you with details? ;) Enjoy!

Oh, and for those wondering, here's a short guide to the names used, the bit characters, and their respective animes.

****

Cowboy Bebop: Gren, Shin, Vicious/Bartender, Spike, Jet, Ed, Doohan/Bartender (Lou's Tavern), Julia

****

Trigun: Meryl/Boss, Millie/Group Leader, Legato, E.G. Mine, Zazie/Restaurant employee, Monev, Knives/Lou

****

Rurouni Kenshin: Kenshin, Kaoru/Reporter, Sano

****

Slayers: Gourry Gabriev

****

Weiss Kreuz: Omi 

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the anime properties listed in here, or the movie "Fight Club". Don't sue. 

INT. HOTEL BALLROOM. NIGHT.

A banquet. Marshal Jacobs and most of the Federal Marshal Agency are there as well.

A speaker spouts rhetoric about a return to "normalcy" and a thorough investigation into these "terrorist acts" occurring over the past few weeks.

Jacobs gets up from his table and whispers to an aide-

****

Jacobs:

Be right back, I'm gonna use the can.

He heads out of the room. Vash, in waiter's uniform, looks towards Gren, Shin, Sano, Omi, and others in waiters outfits. They nod. All of them proceed casually out of the room as the speaker is met with thunderous applause.

INT. HALLWAY – MOMENTS LATER.

Jacobs walks down the hall towards the bathroom, turns a corner and stops to adjust his tie in the mirror. Vash and the others follow. Jacobs opens the door to the bathroom-

-and finds himself face to face with Wolfwood. Wolfwood smirks and grabs Jacobs by the collar, dragging him into the bathroom.

INT. BATHROOM.

Vash and the other "waiters" follow. Vash locks the door. Shin slaps a piece of tape over Jacobs's mouth, while the others pull down his pants. Gren pulls out a rubber band – reaches towards Jacobs's crotch.

****

Sano:

Wrap it around the top of his hackie-sack, Gren.

****

Gren:

Damn! This guy's balls are ice-cold!

****

Wolf:

(To Jacobs)

Hi. You're going to call off your "investigation" and publicly state that there are no underground "terrorist" cells. Or – these guys are gonna take your balls.

Omi pulls out a deadly looking knife. Jacobs, wide-eyed, screams a muffled protest.

****

Wolf:

We'll send one to the Felnarl Post and the other to the December weekly, press release style. Look, the people you are after are the people you depend on. We serve your food, we clean your home, we collect your garbage, we school your children, we guard you while you sleep. You do not FUCK WITH US.

Wolfwood nods to Omi, who makes a quick slashing motion toward Jacobs's privates. He lets out a stifled cry. Omi merely holds up the cut rubber band and flicks it at Jacobs.

****

Omi:

Gotcha!

EXT. HOTEL. DELIVERY AREA – LATER.

Wolfwood, Vash and everyone file out through the service entrance. Wolfwood turns to Omi and gives him a slap on the back, talking jovially to him. Vash stares contemptuously. 

****

Vash (v.o.):

I am Vash's Inflamed Sense of Jealously.

The group splits, with Wolfwood leading one and Omi leading the other. They both head off in separate directions. Vash follows Wolfwood's lead.

INT. LOU'S TAVERN. NIGHT.

Vash is fighting Omi. They circle one another. Omi throws a series of quick punches at Vash's face, one grazing his face. Vash pauses, touches his lip, sees blood on his fingertips. He smiles. The crowd is cheering maniacally.

Omi moves in for another blow, but Vash strikes his midsection, stopping Omi cold. Vash knocks him to the ground and begins to pummel the poor guy. His face darkening with rage as he deals blow after blow. 

****

Vash (v.o.):

I wanted to put a bullet between the eyes of every Sandworm that wouldn't screw to save its species. I wanted to see dust storms choke the life from every piss-ant town on this planet. 

Vash continues to beat on Omi, ignoring his feeble clawing. The crowd has stopped cheering. They stare as Vash goes on, reducing the man underneath him to a bloody, open sore.

****

Vash (v.o.):

Pump chlorofluorocarbons into the air to gobble up the ozone. Burn the museums and destroy everything beautiful I could never have. I wanted the world to hit bottom.

Vash eases up as Omi has stopped moving. The crowd surrounds him, unmoving and silent. Vash slowly lowers his fists and looks up around him.

****

Vash (v.o.):

I wanted to breathe smoke.

Vash looks at the twitching mass that resembles Omi and at the crowd. He shrugs and gets up.

Wolfwood is standing by the stairs as he goes to leave.

****

Wolf:

Where did you go, Psycho Boy?

****

Vash:

I felt like destroying something beautiful.

****

Wolf:

(To the crowd)

Get him to a fucking hospital.

He and Vash exit up the stairs followed by Sano and Midvalley.

EXT. LOU'S TAVERN. NIGHT – MOMENTS LATER.

Raining. The four of them wait as a car pulls up. A Valet with a bruised face gets out.

****

Valet:

Don't worry, Mr. Wolfwood. Hotel parking. Long term.

****

Vash:

(Motions to Wolfwood)

After you, Mr. Wolfwood…

****

Wolf:

Oh no, after you.

Vash rides shotgun, Wolfwood driving, while Midvalley and Sano are in the back.

The stolen car pulls away. Bumper stickers on the back read: "I DRIVE BETTER WHEN I'M DRUNK." and "IF YOU CAN READ THIS: I'LL KILL YOU."

INT. CAR – MOVING. NIGHT.

Rain pelts the windshield. Vash sits silent. The car moves down the road, the lights from town receding in the distance. The road is deserted.

****

Wolf:

Something on your mind, dear?

****

Vash:

No…Alright, yeah why wasn't I in on Project Mayhem from the beginning?

****

Sano & Midvalley:

The first rule of Project Mayhem is you do not ask questions.

****

Wolf:

What do you mean?

****

Vash:

Why wasn't I told about it first?

****

Wolf:

Fight Club was the beginning of Project Mayhem. Now it's out of the basement and become something more.

****

Vash:

But we started Fight Club together! This is as much MINE as it is YOURS!

****

Wolf:

Is this about you and me?

****

Vash:

Hasn't it always been?

Wolfwood remains silent. Suddenly he veers off the road, heading to the outskirts of town.

****

Vash:

…the hell are you doing?

****

Wolf:

Get something straight, WE are not special. This, ALL of this, does not belong to us. We were just the catalysts. Nothing more.

****

Vash:

Yeah well, whatever. You should've told me.

****

Wolf:

What do you want? A statement of purpose? Should I e-mail you? Should I fax you? You want me to put this on your action-item list?

****

Vash:

Oh, FUCK YOU! I just want to know-

****

Wolf:

You decide your own level of involvement!

****

Vash:

Ok, I will! But first I need to know certain things!

****

Sano & Midvalley:

The first rule of Project Mayhem-

****

Vash:

SHUT UP!

(To Wolf)

I know you're pissed about Omi. I'm sorry if I lost it, but don't –

****

Wolf:

Fuck what you know! You need to forget what you know, that's your problem. And forget what you THINK you know about life, friendship, love, and ESPECIALLY about you and me.

****

Vash:

(Perplexed)

…What do you mean by that?

Wolfwood accelerates. We notice that the ground here is more traversed and (if possible) flatter than the road they were just on. Lighted markers on high poles flank either side of the very wide road that Wolfwood is now driving on. Vash looks out the windshield-

-to see a Sandsteamer, billowing smoke and huge as a moving mountain, pulling out from the Transport Station that they're driving towards.

Music: "Orestes" – A Perfect Circle

****

Wolf:

(To Sano and Midvalley)

Gentlemen, what would you wish you'd done before you died?

****

Sano:

Bought a bigger sword.

****

Midvalley:

Asked out Legato.

****

Wolf:

(To Vash)

And you?

****

Vash:

I-I don't know – Turn the wheel!

****

Wolf:

Bullshit! You have to know the answer to this question. If you died right now, how would you feel about your life?

****

Vash:

What do you want me to say?!

****

Wolf:

Just answer the question!

****

Vash:

I wouldn't feel anything good, alright? I'm weak, stupid, worthless, and all I do is want and need things and if I were to die right now I would feel sorry that I wasted it. There! Is that what you want to hear?

****

Wolf:

Not good enough.

Vash tries to wrest the wheel from Wolfwood's grip. He holds tight.

****

Vash:

Quit fucking around, Wolfwood!!!

The Sandsteamer's whistle bellows like some prehistoric beast, its lone headlight filling the interior of the car. Vash, Sano, and Midvalley brace themselves.

****

Vash (v.o.):

You melt and swell at this moment and for that time, nothing matters. Look up to the stars and you're gone. The amazing miracle of death. One second you're walking and talking, the next, you're an object. 

Wolfwood steers out of the way. The car shaking with the Steamer's passing.

****

Vash:

GodDAMNIT! Fuck you, fuck Fight Club, fuck Faye! I am sick of all your shit!!

****

Wolf:

LISTEN TO YOU!

****

Vash:

What?

****

Wolf:

You're fucking pathetic!

****

Vash:

Oh, because I'm pissed at you for once?

****

Wolf:

Why do you think I blew up your apartment?

****

Vash:

…What?

****

Wolf:

Hitting bottom is not a weekend retreat. It's not a goddamn seminar. So stop trying to control everything and just LET IT GO!

Vash and Wolfwood stare at each other. Up ahead, we see another Sandsteamer pulling out of the station. Wolfwood keeps the car on its course. 

****

Wolf:

I'll ask you once more: If you were to die right now, what would you regret most?

Vash stares straight ahead, silent. The Sandsteamer is approaching rapidly.

****

Wolf:

Ten seconds to impact.

Vash says nothing. Sano and Midvalley exchange worried glances.

****

Wolf:

Nine…

The Sandsteamer is almost on top of them. Déjà vu.

****

Wolf:

…Eight…

Silence. Sano and Midvalley put on their seatbelts.

****

Wolf:

…Seven…

The car interior fills with light and the reverberating sound that only a steam engine the size of a building can produce.

****

Vash:

I wish…

****

Wolf:

…Six…

****

Vash:

…I'd told Faye…

****

Wolf:

…Five…

****

Vash:

…that I think I love her.

Indifferent to the Sandsteamer, blinding bright and roaring, Wolfwood glances at Vash and smirks. Vash closes his eyes and awaits the inevitable.

****

Wolf:

Believe in me and you shall live forever.

Wolfwood pulls the car to the left, hard. It's not enough. The rear of the car fishtails against the leftmost corner of the Steamer's front. 

The car does a rollover, the inside a twisted menagerie of flailing limbs and shattered glass. It eventually comes to rest beside the platform, upside down.

EXT. OVERTURNED CAR.

Still raining. Wolfwood emerges from the passenger side. He runs over and pulls Vash out. Sano helps Midvalley out from the back. 

****

Vash (v.o.):

I'd never been in a car accident. This must have been a taste of what all those people in the Sandsteamer wrecks felt like before I filed them as statistics.

Wolfwood sits, cradling a stunned Vash.

****

Wolf:

Goddamn! HAHA! We just had ourselves a near-life experience!

INT. PAPER STREET HOUSE. VASH'S BEDROOM. NIGHT.

Vash lies in bed, fading in and out of consciousness. Wolfwood sits nearby.

****

Wolf:

In the world I see, you're hunting Sandworms among the Plants around the ruins of July City. You'll wear leather clothes that will last you a lifetime. The desert will be your home and the only world you'll ever know. You'll climb the rocky crags in the desolate canyons of the north and when you look down, you'll see tiny figures pounding corn and laying strips of Thomas to dry in the empty freight lanes of some abandoned Steamer route, shimmering with heat and stretching endlessly into the distance. Imagine a world where humanity has been beaten into remission, giving the planet enough time to heal. Imagine waking up one day, reborn beneath the twin suns of a world that has long since stopped caring…

Wolfwood gets up, grabs his suitcase and pats Vash's head. Vash tries to talk, but is still too weak.

****

Wolf:

Feel better, kid.

Wolfwood exits. The door closes behind him.

INT. VASH'S ROOM. DAY.

Vash wakes to sunlight streaming in from the window.

****

Vash (v.o.):

And then…

INT. WOLFWOOD'S ROOM. SAME.

Vash opens the door, looks in at an empty room.

****

Vash:

Wolfwood?

He closes the door, on the other side of it are numerous driver licenses, under a header at the top reading: "HUMAN SACRIFICES."

INT. LIVING ROOM. SAME.

Vash walks into the room, looks around.

****

Vash:

Hello?

****

Vash (v.o.):

Wolfwood was gone.

INT. KITCHEN. SAME.

Vash enters to see space monkeys tending to the various stages of soapmaking. Some render fat while others cut sheets of it into bar form.

****

Vash (v.o.):

The house had become a living thing. The walls pulsed with the motion of so many people while the air hung wet with the sweat of labor.

****

Kenshin:

We are all a part of the same compost heap. We are the all singing, all dancing crap of the world…

****

Vash (v.o.):

Planet Wolfwood. I had to hug the walls to get around this clockwork of space monkeys.

Vash moves to the front room, passing by two space monkeys on the way. One of them (E.G. Mine) is reprimanding the other.

****

Mine:

What are you thinking, smoking in here? You know how much fucking ether we have in this house?

INT. FRONT ROOM. SAME.

Vash opens a door with "WAR ROOM" scrawled across it. Space monkeys talk over short-wave radios. The wall to his right is dominated by a header reading: HOMEWORK. Below are folders marked "MISCHIEF", "DISINFORMATION", and "ARSON". Next to them is another row of twelve folders, each individually numbered.

Vash moves to open one but Omi, his face contorted and bruised from his fight with Vash, steps in front of him.

****

Omi:

It's under control, sir.

****

Vash:

Where's Wolfwood?

****

Omi:

Sir, the first rule of Project Mayhem-

****

Vash:

Never mind.

Vash exits.

INT. KITCHEN – MOMENTS LATER.

Vash grabs a bottle of Vodka out of the fridge.

****

Vash:

All alone. My brother dumped me. Wolfwood dumped me. I am Vash's broken heart.

He exits, taking a swig.

EXT. PAPER STREET HOUSE. GARDEN. NIGHT.

Vash walks along, alternately drinking and smoking. He's more than a little sloshed.

****

Vash (v.o.):

What comes next no one knows. The fifth rule of Project Mayhem is you have to trust Wolfwood.

Vash tosses his cigarette butt on the stone walkway. A space monkey appears out of nowhere to sweep it up.

****

Vash:

Get the fuck away from me. Go on! Get out of here!

Faye walks up, carrying a duffel bag.

****

Faye:

What's all this?

****

Vash:

Paper Street Soap Company. Quaint, isn't it?

****

Faye:

I guess. Do you…mind if I spend the night?

****

Vash:

Why?

****

Faye:

Well, we had talked about me moving in. I thought if it was still okay, I could start bringing my stuff over tomorrow.

****

Vash (v.o.):

Sacrificial cow. Wolfwood had dumped me and then he'd left me to deal with Faye. I am Vash's boiling point.

****

Vash:

You think this is a fucking condo? Some Holiday Inn weekend retreat? This is the first I've heard of this and if either of you had mentioned it to me, I would have said "no" anyway!

****

Faye:

…What?!

****

Vash:

I don't know why you even bother with that guy to begin with. If you haven't noticed, he's not here.

****

Faye:

What the hell is wrong with you?

****

Vash:

WOLFWOOD'S. NOT. HERE. He went away. Wolfwood is GONE. How is this my fault?

****

Faye:

But Wolfwood-

****

Vash:

-ISN'T HERE! Are you listening?! He's off God knows where and if he never comes back, that's just fine with me! 

Faye quivers with anger, her eyes tearing.

****

Faye:

Y-you deceptive, heartless son of a-

****

Vash:

Oh, spare me…

Fine, fuck it. Stay if you want. I don't care anymore.

****

Faye:

So I noticed. Goodbye.

Faye turns and walks away. Vash watches her go. After she's out of sight, Vash tosses the bottle to the ground in anger. The space monkey from before is there to sweep it up.

****

Vash:

(sighs)

Shit.

Suddenly, loud commotion is heard from inside the house. Vash runs to the porch door.

INT. PAPER STREET HOUSE. KITCHEN – CONTINUOUS.

Vash enters. Shin enters, his leg shot up, supported by Omi. They begin to treat the leg. Others carry in a dead body, clothed in ski mask and black combat fatigues; they put it on the table.

****

Kenshin:

We got wounded coming through! Clear some fucking room!

****

Vash:

What happened!? What happened?!

****

Shin:

We were on assignment-

EXT. PUBLIC SQUARE. NIGHT - FLASHBACK

A large globe on a pedestal sits in the midst of a small grassy area.

****

Shin (v.o.):

Orders were to kill two birds with one stone-

A series of small explosions around the statue's base and the globe rolls free off of the pedestal…

****

Shin (v.o.):

Destroy a piece of corporate art-

…down the street…

****

Shin (v.o.):

-and trash a franchise donut shop.

…and right through the front window of the aforementioned shop. Glass sprays everywhere as the globe crashes into the store.

EXT. STREET. NIGHT – FLASHBACK CONTINUOUS.

The three perpetrators, Gren, Shin, and Kenshin split up as they run.

****

Shin (v.o.):

Everything went smooth until…

Two Marshals appear at the end of the street. They draw pistols and take aim.

****

Marshal:

Freeze!

INT. KITCHEN – RESUMING.

****

Vash:

What?

****

Shin:

They shot Gren!

Vash, eyes wide, pulls the mask off the corpse. It's Gren, his features slack, a sizeable hole in his forehead, and an even bigger one in the back that dribbles blood and gray matter when Vash removes the mask.

****

Kenshin:

Those motherfucking pigs!

****

Vash:

YOU IDIOTS! You're running around in ski masks trying to blow things up? What did you THINK was going to happen?

Vash chokes, tears welling in his eyes. He turns away from the body.

****

Shin:

Ok, we have to get rid of the evidence. We have to dispose of the body.

****

Omi:

Bury him in the garden…

Vash turns to look at him in disbelief.

****

Vash:

What?

****

Omi:

Take him to the garden and BURY HIM. Come on people, move!

Vash gets between several space monkeys who try to move Gren.

****

Vash:

Get away from him! This is not a fucking piece of evidence! This is a person and a friend of mine and you're not going to bury him in the fucking garden.

****

Omi:

But he was killed serving Project Mayhem, sir.

****

Vash:

You don't understand. This is Gren.

****

Kenshin:

But…in Project Mayhem we have no names…

****

Vash:

No. That's not true. This is a man and he has a name and it's Grencia Mars Elijah Guo Eckener, okay?

****

Kenshin:

Grencia Mars Elijah Guo Eckener…

****

Vash:

And he's dead now because of us. You understand that?

****

Shin:

I understand. In death, a member of Project Mayhem has a name. His name is Grencia Mars Elijah Guo Eckener.

****

Kenshin:

His name is Grencia Mars Elijah Guo Eckener.

****

Vash:

Stop.

****

Shin:

His name is Grencia Mars Elijah Guo Eckener.

****

Vash:

Shut up!

****

Everyone (except vash):

His name is Grencia Mars Elijah Guo Eckener!

(rising)

His name is Grencia Mars Elijah Guo Eckener! His name is Grencia Mars Elijah Guo Eckener…!

****

Vash:

SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!

The chant drowns out Vash's protests. At wits end, he dashes upstairs. The chanting continues through all of this.

INT. WOLFWOOD'S ROOM – MOMENTS LATER.

Vash rifles through papers. He finds ticket stubs for numerous Sandsteamer trips to…pretty much everywhere.

The phone rings. Vash answers.

****

Vash:

Wolfwood?

****

Stern (v.o.):

Uh, no, this is Agent Stern with the Arson unit. Can I see you in my office tomorrow morning?

Vash slams the receiver down.

INT. SANDSTEAMER – IN TRANSIT.

Vash sits, biting his nails.

****

Vash (v.o.):

I went to all the cities on Wolfwood's ticket stubs, bar-hopping…

EXT. TRANSIT STATION. NIGHT.

Vash hurries to catch a taxi leaving the terminal.

****

Vash (v.o.):

I don't know how or why, but I could look at fifty different bars and just know whether he'd been there.

EXT. TRANSIT STATION. INEPRIL. DAY.

Vash rushes outside.

****

Vash (v.o.):

Every city I went to…

INT. TRANSIT STATION. DECEMBER. DAY – CONTINUOUS

****

Vash (v.o.):

…as soon as I set foot off of the Steamer…

EXT. TRANSIT STATION. MEI CITY. NIGHT – CONTINUOUS.

****

Vash (v.o.):

…I knew that a Fight Club was near.

INT. BAR. DAY.

Vash talks with several patrons. All of them have bruises from fighting.

****

Vash:

I'm looking for Wolfwood. It's very important that I speak with him.

****

Bartender:

I wish I could help you…sir.

He winks at Vash.

INT. TRANSIT STATION. DAY.

****

Vash (v.o.):

Wolfwood had been busy. Franchises had been established throughout most of the territories. Was I asleep? Had I slept? Is Wolfwood my bad dream, or am I his?

INT. TAXI – MOVING. NIGHT.

Vash looks out the window, thinking. 

****

Vash (v.o.):

I was living in a perpetual state of déjà vu. Everywhere I went, it felt like I'd already been there. Like following the Invisible Man, always one step behind Wolfwood.

INT. RESTAURANT. DAY.

Vash enters. The place is deserted. He walks to the kitchen door and opens it. Inside are a group of men standing in a circle, chanting-

****

Kitchen Workers:

His name is Grencia Mars Elijah Guo Eckener. His name is Grencia Mars Elijah Guo Eckener-

They stop as they realize they're being watched.

****

Man's voice O.S:

Welcome back, sir.

Vash turns to see a battered man in a neck brace. He has shoulder-length sliver hair and sharp features.

****

Vicious:

How have you been?

****

Vash:

Uh…how do you know me?

****

Vicious:

Is this a test, sir?

****

Vash:

No, this is not a test.

****

Vicious:

You were in here last Thursday.

****

Vash:

Thursday?

****

Vicious:

You were standing exactly where you are now asking me how security was doing. It's green all the way, sir.

****

Vash:

…Who…who do you think I am?

****

Vicious:

Are you sure this isn't a test, sir?

****

Vash:

NO, this is not a test!

****

Vicious:

You're him, sir. You're Mr. Wolfwood. You're the one who gave me this-

The bartender holds up his hand to show a kiss-shaped scar on the back.

****

Vash (v.o.):

Please return your seatbacks to their upright and locked positions.

INT. HOTEL ROOM. NIGHT.

Vash bursts in, grabs the phone and punches in a number.

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. FAYE'S APARTMENT. SAME.

****

Faye:

Hello?

****

Vash:

Faye, it's me. Have we ever done it?

****

Faye:

…you asshole.

****

Vash:

Please don't hang up, it's important! I need to know!

****

Faye:

What kind of stupid question is that to ask?

****

Vash:

Is it stupid because the answer is "yes" or because it's "no"?

****

Faye:

This is a trick, isn't it?

****

Vash:

NO! Just answer the question!

****

Faye:

You mean, do I think we were just having sex, or making love?

****

Vash:

We did screw.

****

Faye:

Is that what you're calling it?

****

Vash:

So that's a "yes"?

****

Faye:

You fuck me, then snub me. You love me, then hate me. You show me your sensitive side, then you turn into a complete jackass. Is that a pretty accurate description of our relationship, Nick?

****

Vash (v.o.):

We have just lost cabin-pressure.

****

Vash:

What did you just say?

****

Faye:

What is wrong with you?

****

Vash:

What did you just call me? Say my name!

****

Faye:

Nicholas Wolfwood! Nicholas Wolfwood, you fucking head-case! 

****

Vash (v.o.):

Please assume crash positions.

****

Vash:

Oh…interesting. Thank you for your time…

****

Vash (v.o.):

We're all going to die.

Vash lets the receiver drop to the floor.

****

Faye:

Wolfwood? Wolfwood…?!

He collapses on the bed, unconscious. Faye's voice over the phone fades out as the screen goes black.

INT. HOTEL ROOM. NIGHT – LATER.

Vash awakens to the sound of crunching. It's raining outside, falling in sheets across the window, throwing long shadows across the dark room. He begins to sit up-

****

Wolf:

You broke your promise.

Vash whirls to face-

****

Vash:

Jesus, Wolfwood!

He sees Wolfwood, sitting in an armchair opposite the bed, eating potato chips and dip.

****

Wolf:

You talked to her about me.

****

Vash:

Wolfwood, what the fuck is going on?

****

Wolf:

I asked you for one thing. One. Simple. Thing.

****

Vash:

Why do people think that I'm you?

Wolfwood rolls his eyes, irritated. He dusts his hands of crumbs and turns to face Vash. 

****

Wolf:

I think you know.

****

Vash:

No, I DON'T. Please explain.

****

Wolf:

How could anyone possibly confuse you with me?

****

Vash:  
I…I don't know…

FLASHBACK – HALLWAY. NIGHT.

Marshal Jacobs checks his tie in the mirror and opens the bathroom door. Coming face-to-face with-

-Vash.

INT. HOTEL – RESUMING.

****

Wolf:

You got it.

****

Vash:

No...

FLASHBACK – BATHROOM. NIGHT.

Vash stands above Jacobs, threatening him.

****

Vash:

You do not FUCK WITH US.

INT. HOTEL – RESUMING.

****

Wolf:

Say it.

****

Vash:

Because…

FLASHBACK – KITCHEN. NIGHT.

Vash sits as the back of his hand burns with lye.

INT. HOTEL - RESUMING.

****

Vash:

…because we're the same person.

****

Wolf:

Good boy.

FLASHBACK – ROOF. DAWN.

****

Vash:

We are the all-singing, all-dancing, crap of the world.

INT. HOTEL –RESUMING.

****

Vash:

I don't understand…why …

****

Wolf:

You were looking for a way to change your life. You could not do this on your own. All the ways you wish you were: that's me. I look like you want to look, I act like you want to act, I fuck like you want to fuck, and most importantly…I am free in all the ways that you are not.

****

Vash:

This is crazy.

****

Wolf:

People do it everyday. They talk to themselves. They see themselves as they want to be. They just don't have the balls like you run with it.

FLASHBACK – LOU'S TAVERN. PARKING LOT. NIGHT.

Two guys come out the doors, they look over to see Vash beating himself up.

INT. HOTEL – RESUMING.

****

Wolf:

You're still wrestling with it, so sometimes you're still you.

FLASHBACK – STREET CURB. NIGHT.

Vash sits alone, drinking and talking to himself.

****

Vash:

We should do this again sometime.

He hands the beer to his "friend". It crashes to the ground. He doesn't notice.

INT. HOTEL – RESUMING.

****

Wolf:

Other times, you imagine yourself watching me.

FLASHBACK – LOU'S TAVERN. BASEMENT.

Vash stands amidst the first Fight Club group, announcing the rules.

****

Vash:

…and the eighth and final rule of Fight Club – if this is your first night at Fight Club, you have to fight.

INT. HOTEL –RESUMING.

Vash sits alone in the room. The rain casting shadows across his face as he listens with his mouth wide open.

****

Wolf (v.o):

Little by little, you're just letting yourself become…

Close-up: Wolfwood's face is briefly illuminated as he lights a cigarette.

****

Wolf:

…Nicholas Wolfwood.

FLASHBACK – PLANT OUTSIDE JULY CITY. NIGHT.

Vash in "Wolfwood-mode" shouts at space monkeys as they rappel down the side of the glass bulb, spraying green paint.

****

Vash:

You're not you job! You're not your bank account…!

INT. HOTEL – RESUMING.

****

Vash:

You have a house-

****

Wolf:

-rented in your name.

****

Vash:

You have several jobs, you have a whole life-

****

Wolf:

You work night jobs because you can't sleep…or you stay up and make soap.

****

Vash:

Faye…You're fucking Faye…

****

Wolf:

Ah, technically, YOU'RE fucking Faye. But it's all the same to her.

FLASHBACK – PAPERSTREET HOUSE. WOLFWOOD'S ROOM. NIGHT.

Vash and Faye are having wild sex.

INT. HOTEL – RESUMING.

****

Vash:

But…Faye loves you…

****

Wolf:

Actually, she loves YOU. Another in this series of misunderstandings.

****

Vash:

Oh, Jesus Christ…

****

Wolf:

Now you see our dilemma. She knows too much. We have to think about how this might compromise our goals.

****

Vash:

(Rising to his feet)

What are you talking about? Th-this is bullshit! This is insane!

****

Wolf:

No, YOU'RE insane.

****

Vash:

You're a fucking hallucination! A-a disassociative personality disorder!

****

Wolf:

Fuck that! Maybe you're MY hallucination!

****

Vash:

I was here first.

****

Wolf:

Yeah, well, we'll see who's here last.

Vash backs away, shaking his head.

****

Vash:

This isn't real. This is-this is just a dream…

****

Wolf:

Then wake up.

INT. HOTEL ROOM. MORNING.

Vash wakes up with a start. The phone is off the hook Remembering last night, he bolts for the door.

INT. LOBBY – MOMENTS LATER.

Vash hurries to the front desk, trying to shut his suitcase at the same time. The Front desk clerk calls out to him as he passes.

****

Clerk:

Sir? Are you checking out?

****

Vash:

Uh, just bill me.

****

Clerk:

I still need you to initial this list of phone calls.

Vash sighs, harried. Rushes to the desk and unfolds a sheet about three pages long of calls.

****

Vash:

When were these made?

****

Clerk:

Uh…around three and four this morning, sir.

****

Vash:

No, I wasn't-

Vash freezes.

INT. TAXI – MOVING. DAY.

Vash stares out the window, chewing his nails.

****

Vash (v.o.):

Had I been going to bed earlier each night? Had I been sleeping later? Had I been Wolfwood longer?

INT. PAPER STREET HOUSE. KITCHEN. DAY.

Vash walks in to find the place deserted. Gas masks, beakers and test tubes litter the table. He heads toward the basement.

****

Vash:

Is anyone here?

INT. BASEMENT – CONTINUOUS.

He walks down the stairs, gawking at several bathtubs with rubber hoses beside them. Jugs of chemicals litter the floor.

****

Vash:

Hello?

He pauses, noticing bags of what appear to be sawdust stacked against the wall next to a bottle marked "NITRIC ACID".

****

Vash (v.o.):

Déjà vu all over again.

FLASHBACK – INT. SANDSTEAMER CABIN. NIGHT.

Wolfwood is talking to Vash.

****

Wolf:

One can make all sorts of explosives using simple household items.

FLASHBACK – CONTINUED – INT. PAPER STREET HOUSE. KITCHEN. NIGHT.

Wolfwood is making soap with Vash.

****

Wolf:

If you were so inclined, you could also add sodium nitrate and a dash of sawdust. Then you've got dynamite.

INT. BASEMENT – RESUMING.

****

Vash:

Oh, God…

Vash dashes back upstairs.

INT. PAPER STREET HOUSE. "WAR ROOM". SAME.

Vash runs his finger up and down the list of phone numbers called from the hotel. He dials the first one.

****

Voice:

Maintenance.

****

Vash:

Uh, who am I calling?

****

Voice:

Plant number two. Maintenance speaking.

Vash looks at a folder on the wall marked "NO. 2".

****

Vash:

Listen to me, I think something terrible is going to happen. You've got-

****

Voice:

It's alright, sir.

****

Vash:

…excuse me?

****

Voice:

Don't worry about us, sir. We're solid.

****

Vash:

No, listen to me, there's been a mix-up. Things have changed.

****

Voice:

You told us that you would say that.

****

Vash:

I'm ordering you to abort the plan.

****

Voice:

You told us you would say that, too.

****

Vash:

(Frustrated)

Did I tell you that I'd call you a fascist dickhead?

****

Voice:

You told us that you might say something like that.

Vash hangs up. He dials another number from the list.

****

Voice:

Plant twelve.

Vash looks at the folders on the wall. "NO. 12" is at the end. He hangs up.

INT. PAPER STREET HOUSE. KITCHEN – LATER.

Vash sits at the table, smoking. The ashtray next to him is nearly full.

****

Vash (v.o.):

Trying to second-guess Wolfwood. A gesture in futility. Essentially I was trying to think of what I would do next if I were Wolfwood or Wolfwood was me. Then I'd remember that we were the same person and that I should REALLY be asking what I would do if I were ME. Or something like that.

Vash takes a swig from a bottle of liquor. He sets it down next to two other ones, both empty.

****

Vash (v.o.):

By evening, the fridge was pretty much devoid of alcohol. It didn't help.


	9. Hitting Bottom/True Equilibrium

****

Author's Note: "I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be." - Douglas Adams

What can I say? It's been a trying experience, but the last chapter's finally up! Thanks for reading! 

EXT. LOU'S TAVERN. NIGHT.

Vash stands outside. Watching as members enter through the back doors.

****

Vash:

I went back to where it all began. If I couldn't stop Wolfwood in the act, I could at least undo the damage that he –that I – had caused. Starting with Fight Club.

INT. LOU'S TAVERN. BASEMENT. SAME.

Vash walks down the stairs with the other stragglers. The Chapter Leader stands in the midst of the crowd, reciting the eight rules.

****

Vash (v.o.):

Saturday night. The original Fight Club at Lou's makes their monthly rent with just one week's meeting.

Vash walks into the center as the Leader finishes. The crowd cheers.

****

Vash (v.o.):

This was mine and Wolfwood's gift – our gift to the world. And I was taking it back.

Vash raises his hands for silence. The crowd obeys.

****

Vash: 

Listen, everybody. I…I think Fight Club has served its purpose, don't you? It sure was fun, but…uh…I think we're gonna stop now, okay? So just…go home. The meeting's cancelled.

One hundred pairs of eyes just stare at him. We discern crickets chirping in the background.

****

Vash:

Project Mayhem is cancelled. It's over. Done. Finito. Everything. Just…go home.

A murmur runs through the crowd. The faces looking at him are a mixture of disbelief and contempt.

****

Vash:

A man is dead. The game's over, alright? It's not fun anymore.

A pause. The Chapter Leader steps forward.

****

Leader:

The first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club…

****

Vash:

GO HOME!

****

Leader:

…the second rule of Fight Club is you DO NOT talk about Fight Club…

From the darkness, the crowd takes up the chant.

****

Voice 1:

…The third rule of Fight Club is if someone goes limp or taps out the fight is over!…

****

Vash:

Fight Club is CANCELLED! Project Mayhem is CANCELLED!

****

Leader:

…The fourth rule of Fight Club is NO POOFTAHS.

****

Vash:

I am Nicholas Wolfwood and I'm ordering you to GET OUT!

The crowd continues to recite the rules, ignoring Vash.

****

Vash (v.o.):

It's easy to cry when you realize that everything and everyone you've ever known will either reject you or die. How everything you've ever created will be destroyed. Everything you're proud of will end up as trash…

The crowd finishes reciting the rules. The Chapter Leader steps forward, arms crossed.

****

Leader:

Registered fight number one, take the floor. Clear the center of the club.

Vash doesn't move.

****

Vash (v.o.):

…I am Ozymandias, king of kings.

****

Leader:

Clear the center of the club!

Vash still doesn't budge.

****

Vash (v.o.):

Standard procedure. After three requests from the chapter leader, I'll be ejected from the club. Forcefully, if necessary.

****

Leader:

CLEAR THE CENTER OF THE CLUB!!

Vash stands, silent.

****

Leader:

Prepare to evict member in three…two…one!

The crowd moves in on Vash. He's lifted above them, squirming and shouting, spread-eagle toward the lights above.

****

Vash:

Put me down, goddamnit! I created this! You wouldn't be here if it weren't for me!

The group carries him to the edge of the crowd and dumps him by the stairs.

****

Voice 1:

Sorry, Mr. Wolfwood.

****

Voice 2:

Have a nice night, sir.

Vash lies on the floor where they've dropped him, fuming. They re-group around the center ring.

****

Leader (O.S.):

Registered fight number one, take the floor!

Vash gets up and moves towards the stairs. 

He stops and listens. Amongst the cheers comes scattered…whistling? Vash turns, looking through the gap in the crowd before it closes up again to see the first two fighters entering the ring: Omi and…

****

Vash:

Faye?!

Vash rushes back to the fringe of people. He pushes his way in enough to see the fight in the center.

Music: "Fuel my Game" – Sonic Mayhem

Faye enters the ring, smoking. She's wearing a tight black sports bra and sweatpants. Omi taunts from the opposite side.

****

Omi:

I still owe you for last time, babe.

A smile devoid of humor crosses her lips as she flicks her cigarette butt to the side. Omi makes the first move, coming in for a low blow. 

Fast as lightning, Faye spins out of the way, using her momentum to deliver a roundhouse to the back of Omi's head. He stumbles, though Faye doesn't miss a beat. At the same time, Faye grabs his arm and kicks his feet out from under him. She falls with him, the only difference being that Faye breaks her fall by landing on Omi, who hits the concrete floor face first instead. The crowd roars with excitement.

Omi, still the stronger of the two, pushes up, knocking Faye off of him. She flips back, landing on her feet. Omi staggers to a standing position somewhat less gracefully, spitting blood. He rushes Faye, anticipating another dodge and clocks her across the face. She blocks his next punch, countering with one of her own. She moves out of the way like water as Omi charges with another blow. Faye blocks it with her arm and kicks high, hitting him square in the face. He cries in pain and tries to wipe the blood from his eyes. Taking advantage of the situation, Faye throws a perfect haymaker, sending Omi to the floor again in a spray of blood. Still moaning in pain, he tries to get up as Faye pins him again, proceeding to pummel the lump of bloodied tissue in the crook of her arm with reckless abandon.

Everything slows down as Vash watches this. He stares incredulously.

****

Vash (v.o.):

Standing there, watching Faye add to the kid's medical bills, I saw what had drawn Wolfwood to her in the first place. That same, sad desperation for some escape from this shithole existence she'd made for herself. That false sense of accomplishment that self-destruction and Fight Club promised… 

Faye gets up off of her opponent. Several members crouch next to Omi, checking for a pulse. Faye nonchalantly strides out of the ring, wiping blood from her nose.

****

Vash (v.o.):

I was there the night Faye Valentine hit bottom.

Faye sees Vash across the room and does a double-take. She glares at him. Vash waves sheepishly.

FLASHBACK – SMALL CHURCH. NIGHT.

Vash moves towards Faye, who's getting coffee.

****

Millie (v.o.):

Pick someone special to you tonight.

INT. LOU'S – RESUMING.

Faye strides across the room towards Vash.

FLASHBACK – SMALL CHURCH. NIGHT.

Vash tugs at Faye's arm.

****

Vash:

We need to talk.

****

Millie (v.o.):

Share yourself. Completely.

INT. LOU'S – RESUMING.

Faye slaps Vash across the face, hard. He yelps in surprise. Several members turn to see the commotion.

****

Faye:

You fucking manipulative, suck-ass piece of shit.

****

Vash:

I deserve that. You have every right to be pissed at me right now, but if you just give me a chance-

****

Faye:

If I'd known you were here tonight, I would've tagged your ass for the first match. You kick me out, then you up and leave for god-knows where only to come back here four days later and act like Mr. Innocent- 

****

Vash:

And I have a REALLY good explanation for that and for all of this, but it'll just take a bit of faith on your part- 

****

Faye:

Oh, here comes an avalanche of bullshit.

****

Vash:

….a little more faith than that.

Faye moves towards the stairs.

****

Faye:

I don't want to hear anything of what you have to say.

****

Vash:

(Imploring)

Just hear me out! I'm trying to save your life!

****

Faye:

Why does my life need saving?

****

Vash:

Because-

Vash glances to the crowd, which has taken a sudden interest in this verbal exchange.

****

Vash:

(whispering)

-because you're in danger as long as you're mixed up in this. And Wolfwood – the other Wolfwood I mean – sees you as a threat.

****

Faye:

You see me as a threat?

****

Vash:

No, WOLFWOOD sees you as a threat and Wolfwood is prepared to kill anyone who threatens Project Mayhem.

****

Faye:

So…you're going to kill me?

****

Vash:

No, WOLFWOOD is trying to kill you. But I can handle him.

(motioning with his eyes to the crowd)

Look, can we talk about this…elsewhere?

****

Faye:

Why should I believe any of this?

****

Vash:

Because…I don't want anything to happen to you.

****

Faye:

…Why do you care what happens to me all of a sudden?

****

Vash:

Somewhere between getting thrown out of bars and trying to follow in the footsteps of my anarchistic alter ego I realized that…I really like you, Faye. 

Faye's demeanor softens somewhat. She raises an eyebrow.

****

Faye:

"Like"?

****

Vash:

Okay….I love you.

Faye is speechless. Vash shrugs. Everyone watching smiles. One member sniffles, teary-eyed. The level of awkwardness reaching critical mass, Vash whispers to Faye:

****

Vash:

Now, could we PLEASE talk about this somewhere else?

****

Faye:

Uh…sure. Follow me.

Faye exits. Vash follows, eyeing the crowd to make sure no one is following.

****

Member 1:

(Whispering to the others)

You see how he handled that? Brilliant revolutionary AND he's smooth with the ladies.

****

Member 2:

The man's a genius.

INT. DINER. NIGHT.

Faye sits at a booth, Vash across from her.

****

Faye:

Alright, I'm listening.

****

Vash:

Now, try and understand-

Out of nowhere, a waiter with a black eye is standing beside him.

****

Vash:

Um…I'll just have a coffee, thanks.

****

Waiter:

Anything you order here is free of charge, sir.

****

Faye:

(To Vash)

Why is it free of charge?

****

Vash:

Don't ask.

****

Faye:

Fine, whatever.

(To the waiter)

I'll have the grilled Thomas sandwich, a cup of wedding soup, and a coke.

****

Vash:

CLEAN food, please.

****

Waiter:

In that case, sir, might I recommend the lady not order the wedding soup.

****

Vash:

Fine, no wedding soup.

The waiter snaps to attention and leaves. Vash glances to the deli counter, where three cooks with stitches in their faces watch. They nod in his direction.

****

Faye:

You were saying?

****

Vash:

Okay, I know I've been acting very strange and that it seems like there's two sides of me-

****

Faye:

Two sides? You're Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Jackass.

****

Vash:

I know, I know, but like I said, I've come to realize that I really do love you, Faye, and I feel bad for treating you like shit since we've met. But up until now the full extent of our relationship wasn't entirely clear to me for reasons I'm not going to go into and because of this I've put you in terrible danger.

****

Faye:

WHAT?

****

Vash:

You're not safe. You need to leave town for a while…

****

Faye:

You're insane.

****

Vash:

Take a vacation, get out of any major cities, go camping-

****

Faye:

No. NO. SHUT UP!

Everyone looks at them. Faye reddens.

****

Faye:

Look Nick, I've tried…

****

Vash:

I know you have.

****

Faye:

…and there are things about you that I like. You're smart, you're funny…you're spectacular in bed. But you're intolerable! You have serious emotional issues for which you need professional help.

****

Vash:

I know and I'm sorry-

****

Faye:

Oh you're sorry, I'm sorry, everybody's sorry…I can't do this anymore. I can't and I won't. I love you too Nick, but it's over. Goodbye.

Faye gets up and leaves. Vash tosses a few crumpled bills onto the table as the waiter returns with drinks.

****

Vash:

No Faye, wait!!

EXT. DINER – MOMENTS LATER.

Vash pushes his way out the door, chasing Faye.

****

Vash:

You can't-

****

Faye:

Just leave me alone!

****

Vash:

I'm trying to protect you.

****

Faye:

Let go of me! I don't want to ever see you again!

Vash spots a bus coming up the street.

****

Vash:

Fine, if that's what it takes.

Vash runs out in front of the bus causing it to screech to a halt. The driver opens the door. Car horns sound from behind.

****

Bus Driver:

You want on, I take it?

****

Vash:

(To Bus Driver)

Wait one second.

(To car)

SHUT UP!!

Vash takes out several dollars and hands it to Faye.

****

Vash:

Take this money and get on the bus and I promise I won't ever bother you again. Please, just get on the bus!

Faye hesitates. She then takes the money and boards the bus. Vash turns around, so as not to see the destination.

****

Faye:

Why are you doing this?

****

Vash:

Wolfwood thinks you're a threat and he'll do anything to make sure Project Mayhem goes through. I-I can't explain right now, but if I see where you're going, you won't be safe.

****

Faye:

I'm not paying this back, I consider it asshole tax.

****

Vash:

Fine. Just stay out of major cities for at least two days, alright?

****

Faye:

Nick?

Vash turns to look at her.

****

Faye:

You're the worst thing that ever happened to me.

The doors close as the bus pulls away. Vash watches it go, looking regretful yet relieved. He runs off down the street.

EXT. PAPER STREET HOUSE. NIGHT.

Vash comes running down the street and up the front steps.

INT. PAPER STREET HOUSE. "WAR ROOM" – MOMENTS LATER.

Vash walks into the room and begins to pace.

****

Vash (v.o.):

He wanted to make something better out of the world.

FLASHBACK – VASH'S ROOM. NIGHT.

Wolfwood sits, talking.

****

Wolf:

In the world I see, you're hunting Sandworms among the Plants around the ruins of July city…

INT. WAR ROOM – RESUMING.

Vash sits on the table, massaging his temples and trying to think. 

****

Vash (v.o.):

A cultural freeze. A prematurely induced dark age. Civilization was going to be saved through its own destruction.

FLASHBACK – VASH'S ROOM. NIGHT.

****

Wolf:

Imagine a world where humanity has been beaten into remission, giving the planet enough time to heal…

INT. WAR ROOM – RESUMING.

Vash's eyes widen. He looks up at the folders on the wall.

****

Vash:

Oh my God…

****

Vash (v.o.):

Only after disaster can we be resurrected.

Vash jumps up and grabs the folders from the wall. He runs out of the room. We hear the door slam and see him running by outside the window.

INT. MARSHAL'S OFFICE. NIGHT.

Vash runs up to the front desk and drops the folders in front of the clerk.

****

Vash:

(Deep breath)

I need you to arrest me. I'm leader of a terrorist organization responsible for numerous acts of vandalism and assault all over the city.

INT. MARSHAL'S OFFICE. INTERROGATION ROOM – LATER.

Agent Stern and three other Marshals stand around Vash, who's seated. On the table are the folders and several blueprints from the Paper Street house.

****

Vash:

…in the city itself, with probably a couple hundred members. Chapters have sprung up in at least five or six other cities already. This is a tightly regimented, highly trained organization with many cells capable of operating completely independent of central leadership. Look, go to that house, ok? 777 Paper Street. That's our headquarters. In the back, buried in the garden, you'll find the body of Grencia Mars Elijah Guo Eckener. In the basement, you'll find some bathtubs used very recently to make large quantities of nitroglycerin. I believe the plan is to blow up the surrounding Plants around the city along with their respective maintenance facilities.

****

Stern:

Why go after the Plants?

****

Vash:

The goal of Project Mayhem is the right away abolishment of civilization. Destroy the Plants and you destroy the cities. It'd be complete chaos.

****

Stern:

Keep him talking. I need to make a phone call.

Stern leaves. A beat, then the remaining Marshals smile at Vash in reverence.

****

Agent Black:

We really admire what you're doing here, sir.

****

Vash:

What?

****

Agent Frank:

You're a brave man to order this.

****

Agent Smith:

You said if anyone ever interferes with Project Mayhem, even YOU, we have to get his balls.

Vash stands up.

****

Agent Black:

It's useless to fight, sir.

****

Agent Smith:

It's really a powerful gesture, Mr. Wolfwood, it'll set quite an example.

****

Vash:

You guys are making a big mistake!

****

Agent Black:

You said you'd say that.

****

Vash:

I'm not Nicholas Wolfwood!

****

Agent Frank:

You said that you'd say that too.

****

Vash:

Alright then, I am Nicholas Wolfwood and I'm giving you a direct order: we're aborting Project Mayhem NOW.

****

Agent Smith:

You said that you'd DEFINITELY say that.

Vash regards the three men around him for a beat. Then he's bolting for the door. They catch him and force him onto the table on his back. Agent Smith pulls off his pants while Agent Frank holds his legs.

****

Vash:

What's wrong with you?! You're Marshals for christssake!

****

Agent Black:

Is somebody timing this?

There's a knock at the door.

****

Agent Smith:

Shit!

(To Vash)

Keep your mouth shut!

Agents Frank and Black hold Vash. Agent Smith opens the door a crack. 

****

Agent Smith:

Yeah?

****

Stern:

Hey, some of this info checks out. Let's head over to that house on Paper Street.

****

Agent Smith:

Okay, be right out.

He exits out the door, glancing over at the other two holding Vash. The door closes.

****

Vash:

Oh shit, NO! Wait!

Agent Black pulls out a knife while Agent Frank tries to hold Vash by himself.

****

Agent Frank:

Mr. Wolfwood, hold still, you're gonna fuck up the time.

****

Agent Black:

Where's the rubber band?

Vash wriggles an arm free and grabs Agent Frank's gun from his holster. He backs off as Vash wriggles off the table with a crash. He gets up, waving the gun around.

****

Vash:

(To Black)

Drop the fucking knife! Drop it!

Get on the floor, both of you!

Vash grabs the folders from the table. The two agents comply. Vash moves to the door.

****

Vash:

Okay, first person out this door gets a…a LEAD SALAD! Got it?

He exits.

INT. MARSHAL'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS.

Vash walks briskly towards the door, holding the folders in front of his face as he passes the front desk. It doesn't matter, as the clerk is engrossed in reading something. Vash exits.

EXT. MARSHAL'S OFFICE. NIGHT.

Vash runs into the street, in boxers, waving a gun around. He looks like a madman. Cars honk and swerve.

****

Vash:

(Brandishing gun)

Get the fuck away from me!

EXT. STREET. SAME.

Vash runs down the street, files in one hand, gun in the other.

****

Vash (v.o.):

I ran. I ran until my muscles burned and my veins pumped battery acid. Then I ran some more.

EXT. INDUSTRIAL BUILDING - LATER.

Vash, panting and sweating, stops beside a large, decrepit building. He looks up at a sign that reads: "PLANT 1 CONTROL CENTER". Tossing the folders into a nearby trashcan, he starts towards the entrance.

EXT. PLANT CONTROL CENTER – MOMENTS LATER.

Vash tries the door - locked.

****

Wolf (O.S.):

What are you doing running around in your underpants? Man, you look like a crazy person.

Vash turns to see Wolfwood standing behind him.

****

Vash:

I'm onto you; I know what's going on here.

****

Wolf:

Well come on then, I got us a great spot to watch from. It'll be like Pay-Per-View!

Vash pushes a nearby bench towards the glass door. He hits the glass to no effect, the bench jamming into his groin. Wolfwood appears behind the glass, laughing. Vash grabs the pistol and fires at Wolfwood. Wolfwood vanishes as the glass cracks from the bullets. Vash gets up and kicks in the perforated glass.

INT. PLANT CONTROL CENTER. LOBBY.

Vash enters and looks around, he spies a sign that reads "GARAGE ENTRANCE" and sprints towards it.

INT. PLANT CONTROL CENTER. GARAGE.

Vash enters a large underground parking garage. No cars – except for a large truck near the back. Vash goes towards it.

INT. TRUCK – CONTINOUS.

Vash opens the back doors and sees several barrels of liquid wired to a homemade bomb in the center. He climbs inside to work on the bomb. There's a clock ticking down from "25:55". Wolfwood appears behind him.

****

Wolf:

It could be worse. You could be standing under three stories of steel and concrete with one hundred and fifty gallons of nitro strapped to the support columns…oh wait, maybe it couldn't.

****

Vash:

I don't care. I'm stopping this.

****

Wolf:

What a ridiculous thing to say.

****

Vash:

I can't let you-

****

Wolf:

-do this? What are you going to do? There are twelve other bombs in twelve other Plants and their respective maintenance buildings.

****

Vash:

Goddamnit! Since when is Project Mayhem about murder?

****

Wolf:

Buildings were evacuated thirty minutes ago. Maintenance, security, all of our people. Everything is going exactly as planned.

****

Vash:

There might still be people inside.

****

Wolf:

Maybe. And maybe a couple of guys with shaved heads couldn't synchronize their watches. Good riddance.

****

Vash:

Gren is dead! They shot him! Was that part of your master plan, Wolfwood?

****

Wolf:

You want to make an omelet, you've gotta break some eggs. Besides, Gren was a grown man. He knew the risks involved when he joined up. Wouldn't danger to life and limb be implicit in something called Project MAYHEM?

****

Vash:

(Turning back to the bomb)

I'm not listening to you. You're not even here. 

Vash goes to pull a wire from the bomb.

****

Wolf:

Wouldn't do that.

Vash looks up. Wolfwood is squatting in front of him in the truck.

****

Wolf:

Not unless I knew which wires were which.

****

Vash:

If you know, then I know.

****

Wolf:

OR…maybe I knew you'd know, so I spent the whole day thinking about the wrong ones.

Vash contemplates the green wire.

****

Vash:

If I'm wrong, then we're both dead.

****

Wolf:

This is NOT about martyrdom.

Vash twists the GREEN WIRE around his finger. 

****

Vash:

I'm pulling the green wire.

****

Wolf:

Green? Did you say green?

Wolfwood comes a little closer, leaning to try to get a look. Seeming genuinely concerned. 

****

Vash:

Yes...

****

Wolf:

Don't pull the green wire. Pull anything but the green wire.

****

Vash:

Fuck you.

****

Wolf:

I'm serious. That's the wrong one.

Vash chews his lower lip. He closes his eyes and braces himself as he pulls the green wire-

-and nothing happens. Vash opens his eyes and lets out a relieved sigh.

****

Wolf:

I asked you not to DO that!

He kicks Vash in the face, sending him flying out of the truck onto the pavement.

INT. PLANT CONTROL CENTER. GARAGE – CONTINUOUS.

Vash fumbles for the gun as Wolfwood jumps out of the truck. He closes and locks the rear doors. Vash points the gun at him.

****

Vash:  
Wolfwood get away from the van! I'm not kidding! Get away from the van!

INT. SECURITY OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

Banks of security monitors sit unmanned. On one monitor we see Vash as he points a gun at the truck--nobody else is there.

INT. PLANT CONTROL CENTER. GARAGE - CONTINUOUS

****

Vash:

Goddamnitt!

Vash aims...FIRES! One bullet breaks the back window of the truck.

****

Wolf:  
Whoa! Whoa! Ok! You are now firing a gun at your imaginary friend near FOUR HUNDRED GALLONS OF NITROGLYCERIN!!

Wolfwood approaches Vash, who backs off, aiming at Wolfwood with the gun. 

****

Vash:

Look, Wolfwood, Wolfwood!

He fires again. Right at Wolfwood's midsection. The only effect it has is to piss him off. Vash stares incredulously.

****

Wolf:  
(Losing it)

GOD!

Wolfwood punches Vash and knocks the gun out of his hand. Vash falls down. He scrambles to his feet, running backwards.

****

Wolf:  
Oh, come on! Don't go!

Vash runs away, around a corner. Wolfwood's there: He punches Vash again in the face.

INT. SECURITY OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

On one monitor, Vash is seen on the floor, alone, wrestling himself. He swings his left hand up, punching empty air, then swings his right hand -- punching himself in the side of the head.

INT. PLANT CONTROL CENTER. GARAGE. – CONTINUOUS.

Vash stands, runs, tries to hide under another car. Wolfwood grabs his foot, pulling off his shoe which he proceeds to hit Vash with. Vash runs behind the truck, as Wolfwood follows. Vash falls down again and Wolfwood kicks his leg. Vash screams in pain.

Wolfwood grabs Vash and throws him into a small security office, smashing the glass of the window. They fight viciously, bloodied. Wolfwood grabs Vash's hair, pulling him out of the small office and toward the stairwell.

INT. SECURITY OFFICE – CONTINUOUS.

Vash has his hands behind his head, pulling himself.

INT. STAIRWELL – CONTINUOUS.

The stairwell is empty. Wolfwood grabs Vash by his shirt and throws him down the steps. Vash careens down the steps, coming to rest at the bottom. He lies, battered as Wolfwood moves down the stairs towards him. 

The screen fades to black.

INT. BERNADELLI INSURANCE BUILDING. NIGHT.

Vash sits in a chair with the gun in his mouth.

****

Wolf:

Three minutes. This is it. Ground Zero. Would you like to say a few words to mark the occasion?

****

Vash (v.o.):

I think this is about where we came in.

****

Vash:

i…il ann ignf…agyng…

****

Wolf:

I'm sorry?

****

Vash:

I still can't think of anything.

****

Wolf:

Ah, flashback humor. Funny.

Wolfwood gets up and approaches the window.

****

Wolf:

(Checking his watch)

Two and a half. Think of everything we've accomplished.

He turns back to Vash.

****

Wolf:

Out these windows, we'll view the beginning of the end. The collapse of civilization. One step closer to true equilibrium.

He kicks Vash's chair. It slams against the glass. 

****

Wolf:

Can you see the fields from here? I thought this location might hold enough irony to complete the experience.

Vash looks down to see a bus pull up outside. He sees Faye led off by a group of Space Monkeys.

****

Vash:

Why is she here?

****

Wolf:

Tying up loose ends.

They carry Faye inside the building.

****

Vash:

I'm begging you, please don't do this.

****

Wolf:

I'm not doing this. WE'RE doing this. This is what we want.

****

Vash:

NO. I don't want this.

****

Wolf:

Except "you" is meaningless. We have to forget about "you" and concentrate more on "us".

****

Vash:

YOU'RE A FUCKING VOICE IN MY HEAD!

****

Wolf:

And you're a voice in MINE! What's the difference?

****

Vash:

You're nothing more than a hallucination, why can't I just get rid of you?

****

Wolf:

You NEED me.

****

Vash:

No, I don't. I really don't anymore…

****

Wolf:

Hey, you created me. I didn't create some whining, pacifist alter-ego to stave off MY feelings of self-loathing. Take some responsibility!

****

Vash:

I do. I'm responsible for all of this and I accept that. So please, I'm begging you, call this off.

****

Wolf:

(sighs)

Have I ever let us down? HAVE I? How far have you come because of me?

Vash puts his head in his hands, moaning softly.

****

Wolf:

Look….I will carry you through this – as always- kicking and screaming, and in the end, you will thank me.

Vash looks up at him through teary eyes.

****

Vash:

Wolfwood…. I am grateful to you…and for everything that you've done for me. But this is too much. I don't want this.

****

Wolf:

Well, what DO you want?! That shit job? The apartment life? watching sitcoms all day long, ordering useless junk over the phone? FUCK THAT! I won't do it.

****

Vash:

This can't be happening…

****

Wolf:

It's already done, so shut up.

(Looks at his watch)

Fifteen seconds. Can you see alright?

Vash hangs his head in despair. Wolfwood walks to the window again.

****

Wolf:

Ten…nine…eight…

FLASHBACK – INT. GARAGE. TRUCK.

Vash crouches next to the bomb. He glances at one of the barrels of liquid, noticing wisps of white mixed in with the ruddier material.

INT. BERNADELLI INSURANCE BUILDING – RESUMING.

Vash's eyes pop open.

****

Wolf:

Five…Four…

****

Vash:

(To himself)

Wait…

****

Wolf:

Three…Two…

A beat. Then-

Nothing.

Outside, the skyline remains unchanged.

Vash starts to chuckle quietly. Wolfwood's face darkens with rage.

****

Wolf:

What the fuck?

****

Vash:

Paraffin.

****

Wolf:

Huh?

****

Vash:

Your merry band mixed the nitro with paraffin. I saw it floating in the bomb.

Wolfwood begins to pace. He looks like he wants to kill something.

****

Vash:

They must've run out of cotton and epsom salts. Paraffin is iffy at best.

****

Wolf:

GodDAMNit!

****

Vash:

Not exactly according to plan.

****

Wolf:

DO WE HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING OURSELVES?!

Wolfwood lets out a sigh of disgust and picks up a walkie talkie from the table nearby.

****

Wolf:

(Into walkie talkie)

Codename "Rooster"…Password "First Strike"…

Vash's face falls.

****

Vash:

No…

****

Wolf:

…proceed with remote detonation.

Vash jumps up and tries to tackle Wolfwood. He succeeds in knocking the gun from his hand. Wolfwood pushes him off and gets to his feet. Vash points the gun at him.

****

Wolf:

Haven't we been through this already?

Vash blinks as though remembering. He fires twice just to make sure. The bullets pass through Wolfwood to no effect. Wolfwood rolls his eyes and drops the walkie talkie to the floor. He stomps on it.

****

Vash:

(Frustrated)

Okay then, how'd you do that if you're a fucking hallucination?

Wolfwood gestures with his eyes towards the floor, or more specifically, Vash's feet. Under which, the walkie talkie lies smashed.

Vash laughs hysterically, at wit's end. He breaks down half-way through and collapses in the chair again. Wolfwood looks bored.

Vash contemplates the gun in his hand and brings it up to his head. 

****

Wolf:

Now why would you want to put a gun to your head?

****

Vash:

Not my head, Nick…OUR head.

****

Wolf:

Interesting…Where are you going with this, Armalite boy?

Vash pulls back the hammer.

****

Wolf:

Hey…it's just you and me. Friends?

****

Vash:

Wolfwood?

Vash gets to his feet.

****

Wolf:

Yeah?

****

Vash:

I want you to really listen to me now.

****

Wolf:

Okay.

Vash locks eyes with Wolfwood. A pause.

****

Vash:

My eyes are open.

Vash puts the gun in his mouth and pulls the trigger.

SLOW MOTION: KABLAM! Vash's cheek inflate with gas. His head flies back, blood flying from an exit wound near his lower jaw. The window behind him shatters. Smoke wafts out of his mouth and tear ducts.

RESUMING: Vash flops down into the chair. Wolfwood stands in front of him, glassy-eyed. Smoke wafts from his nose and mouth as he speaks.

****

Wolf:

(Quietly)

What's that I smell…?

Wolfwood falls in a heap to the floor, the back of his head blown open with a gruesome exit wound.

Vash blinks and Wolfwood's body is gone.

A group of Space Monkeys enter from the hallway. They're wheeling in a keg and holding several bags of chips.

****

Kenshin:

How much longer is it gonna be?

****

Sano:

All the nitro's for shit. They've got to rewire the things for manual explosion and it's not like they'll blow it while they're still IN the fucking place.

****

Shin:

Where is he anyways?

****

Midvalley:

Mr. Wolfwood? We-

They all turn at the sound of Vash struggling up from the chair.

****

Midvalley:

Oh shit!

They drop what they're carrying, running to help Vash, who's bleeding profusely, but still alive.

****

Sano:

You alright, sir?

****

Vash:

(Gurgling)

Oh…I'm fine…it's no problem.

****

Shin:

You look terrible. What happened?

****

Vash:

Nothing. I-I'm good.

****

Sano:

He's not kidding, sir. You look like shit. We've got to get you medical assistance.

****

Vash:

I'm telling you, it's no problem.

As he speaks, Vash moves his hand away from his face. Blood patters to the floor. The Space Monkeys cringe in disgust.

Two others enter with Faye. She struggles.

****

Vash:

Let her go.

****

Faye:

Christ almighty…YOU!

****

Vash:

Hi Faye.

(To the others)

Leave her with me. Get your stuff and I'll meet you downstairs.

****

Shin:

You sure?

****

Vash:

Yes. Now beat it.

The Space Monkeys release Faye. The others leave hesitantly.

****

Faye:

You bastard! What kind of sick fucking game are you playing – Jesus! Your face!

****

Vash:

I know.

****

Faye:

What happened?

****

Vash:

Don't ask.

****

Faye:

You've been shot!

****

Vash:

Obviously.

The Space Monkeys talk quietly as they exit.

****

Midvalley:

I can't believe he's still standing.

****

Sano:

Tough motherfucker…

Faye pulls tissues from her coat, starts daubing at Vash's wound.

****

Faye:

Who did this?

****

Vash:

Um…I did, actually.

Vash turns to Kenshin, who's still watching from the doorway.

****

Vash:

Find some gauze.

He nods, bewildered, and backs out of the room.

****

Faye:

You shot yourself?

****

Vash:

Yes, but it's okay. Faye? Look at me. It's alright. Trust me, everything's going to be fine.

Music: "Only in Dreams" - Weezer

In the distance the horizon is lit by explosions, as the Plants shatter and the surrounding buildings collapse upon themselves demolition-style. With each successive explosion, the city skyline darkens from the power loss.

Vash and Faye stand, silhouetted against this collage of destruction. Vash looks at Faye and takes her hand, pulling her to him.

****

Vash:

Faye, you met me at a very odd time in my life.

Faye looks outside and back at Vash. She cocks an eyebrow and smiles. They kiss as, in the background, the destruction continues…

The film stutters, showing sprocket holes, gradually decreasing to one frame at a time – we see a single frame of a small black cat with pointy ears and ridiculously large, white eyes – the film returns to normal speed. The movie goes on and nobody in the audience has any idea.

ROLL CREDITS.

-------

Special thanks to:

Aozame Yokujin (For prodding me to write this thing in the first place)

David Fincher (For directing one of the best movies in a long time)

Satoshi Nishimura (For one of the best Animes out there)


End file.
